She could be really naive and not get the connection, or she knows and just believes on principle she shouldn’t be whistled at regardless.
It is true standing up for youself is important- even if it doesnt get the other person to change. I find things seem less helpless that way.
Quoted for truth. I always say, of course your parents know how to push all your buttons - they installed all of them.
It’s been almost three years and I still feel more of a sense of relief that my mother has passed on than grief (though I feel that, too).
Absolutely people encourage bad behavior. I’ve found over the years that because I have a fairly long fuse and don’t get my feelings hurt by every little whipstitch, that people somehow start to think I don’t have a fuse or feelings at all, and thus they don’t have to put the first shred of thought into how their words or actions affect me. They’re always shocked, shocked I say, at the ensuing blow up because they never dreamed I would be hurt or angered by [insert thoroughly outrageous thing they would never consider saying or doing to someone else.] Whereas people who whine and cry and get all panty-wadded about every little thing get catered to and coddled and treated with utmost deference to forestall a blowout. It’s a complete disincentive to being a reasonable person, and I’d be lying if I said I never considered whomping up a good hissy fit here and there to get a little more consideration across the board.
I agree that we put up with too much, out of a sense that we must be polite and not rock the boat.
But I know why I’m reluctant to speak my mind and tell people off. Being annoyed by a person is one thing. But scolding them is another. It takes courage to point out another person’s faults to them because we all have them. If I’m going to go off on someone for bugging the hell out of me, I’ve just given them permission to do the same to me. I don’t know if I have enough self-insight to know if or how I’m annoying to someone else. Can I get just as well as I give? I don’t know, not having been in that position before. And the last thing I want to do when I’m confronting someone about their bad behavior is to get into an argument about it.
I have confronted someone before, though. It was a co-worker and I felt her bad behavior was so unprofessional that it was keeping me from doing my job effectively. So I had that to stand on. It was probably the toughest interpersonal challenge of my life. And confronting her was the 100% right thing to do.
However, that’s a different situation from the one that I’m dealing with now, with another annoying coworker. She’s boring the hell out of with bridezilla drama. It’s not affecting me professionally; I just find everything about this person to be irritating and the gabbering about her stupid wedding is just the icing on the cake. I know I could probably make her shut up by yelling at her, but is it worth destroying the working relationship we have? And possibly stepping into an ugly argument with her about how I get on her nerves too? I don’t know. I’m not thinking it is.
I think the reaction should be proportional to the severity and duration of the annoying behavior. having a big blow up over something minor is counterproductive obviously.
But if you find youself doing a lot of crowdsourcing about someone who is acting ‘mean’ yoy may be better off confronting the person. Sometimes its something they arent aware they are doing and they stop. But even if they get snarky or defensive youve made it clear how they are making you feel.
I’ve found the opposite to be true. Because I don’t tend to react to needling or drama, I don’t tend to get exposed to it. I find people tend to treat me the way I treat them.
I agree with you in principle, but in the example you give, I think you are still contributing to the annoyance by having your happiness tied in with your mom’s actions. You had this vision of how you wanted the holiday to go, and felt like your mom had a responsibility to play her role in that vision. When she didn’t want to–and I bet it has a lot more to do with not wanting to be the odd one out among your in-laws than with her standing tradition–you got upset. And I don’t think you are upset with her for not going: you are mad at her for not wanting to go, for not being who you want her to be. I mean, you didn’t want her to suck it up and go even though she hated the idea, you wanted her to like the idea. But people are who they are. She can’t make herself different, and your best case outcome is that next year she will fake wanting to go so well that you don’t know it’s faked–and is that really what you want?
To me, the trick is not to be willing to let people know when they are different than you want them to be, but to appreciate who they are and not have unreasonable expectations. Instead of changing the annoying behavior, I strive to change my annoyed reaction.
WhyNot, I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard anybody admit to their responsibility in this common dynamic. Kudos for your honesty, and not playing up the victim end. Glad things worked out for you in the end.
I’m not talking about needling or drama, I’m talking about jaw-dropping, "WTF is wrong with you that you just said /did that? " thoughtlessness and inconsideration, the complete turning off of the filter.