Last year, I went to my Nana’s funeral, and I was shocked and ashamed that pretty much everyone, even my douchebag cousin, were bawling their eyes out over her. (ashamed of myself not them because i wasn’t crying, i didn’t really feel anything aside from reverence and slight boredom)
I loved her, and I miss her, but I never cried or went into any depression or true grief after she passed away. She was 88 years old, I got to say goodbye, and before she died I rarely saw her though I saw her often when I was little.
Am I a weirdo or heartless for this? Is it weird not to grieve a dead grandparent? I would definitely grieve if one of my parents died young (probably even when they die of old age i will), or if one of my siblings or best friends died, but I just don’t find anything sad about really old people dying. It’s their time, I believe there’s more than just this life, what is sad about it really?
I cried bitterly at my grandad’s funeral four years ago, but less so at my grandma’s, which was just last month, due to conscious effort not to because I wanted to be strong for my mum. I wanted to, though, and it was hard to hold it back. Everyone cried at grandma’s funeral - close family, friends, distant family, current and former neighbours - because so many people had loved her and had benefitted from her presence in their lives.
Both of them were in their 80s when they died, and Grandma was 88 and had a hard, distressing death which we’d all prayed to be over, so it wasn’t a case of feeling sorry for them, more of feeling sorry for ourselves for the gap they’d left in our lives.
I did not cry at my grandparents, or my mother’s funerals. I saw what they went through, and how painful life was for them for years, before they died. It was a downhill slide for each of them. I knew they were finally at peace when they died.
Last year my wife’s grandfather died. He and his wife lived nearby and we saw them fairly frequently. I tried not to cry but seeing how strong my wife was when giving the eulogy it was really hard. And even harder later at the graveside when taps was played…
Grief hits people at different times and in different ways. Even the same person may respond differently depending on the situation. Sometimes grief will strike me when I am at the funeral and I see the person in the box (like when my Dad died.) Sometimes grief will strike me when I first hear the news. Or not until much later.
Did you love your grandmother, Donnie? Then you’re not a bad person.
I cried very little when my beloved grandmother died; she had “died” quite a few months before due to Alzheimers, and the person that died wasn’t her. I slowly grieved while I lost her bit by bit. When she finally died I was very sad that she was really and truly gone, and I miss her terribly, but I did not break down at her funeral.
What usually moves me to tears is empathizing with the grief of others. I feel so badly for how much they are hurt that I cry, even if I didn’t particularly know or was close with the person who died.
At my dad’s funeral, we were all standing around when my sister started crying. We all just stood there. My nephew’s wife went up to her and patted her back to comfort her. We all show our grief differently.
I long wondered why Christians grieve at the death of a loved one. Do we doubt God’s promises? Do we doubt our loved one’s faith? Do we begrudge an older one going to their rest? No, we grieve because we are left behind and must continue in this broken world without them.
Everyone handles the loss of loved ones differently. Your expression of understanding the loss of your grandmother seems normal and definitely not weird.
Another vote for “don’t feel bad about not having cried”. I must have been seven or eight when I was first told that my grandmother (who’d raised me almost like a surrogate mother for a large portion of my life up until that point) had died. I don’t remember very much from when I was that young but I remember that moment perfectly. I just said “OK” and went back to my bedroom and continued playing on the computer. I remember being ashamed that I wasn’t crying. I think that night as I was laying in bed I cried harder than I ever had (both then and since).
Only you know how you feel. If anyone thinks that your love for someone can be measured by how many tears you shed at their funeral they can go fuck themselves.
I’ve been to funerals at which my main feeling was anger and sadness; others where it was… respect, memories, but I’d actually said “goodbye” in person to the deceased three months before; others were I was too busy making sure everything got and stayed organized and didn’t have time to break down, while at the same time reminding myself that hitting clueless relatives with the big silver crucifix is against the law.
It’s different each time, and each close death affects you differently, and they also affect each person differently. In the OP’s case, it sounds to me like it’s similar to my reaction when Grandma died: that’s the one to whom I’d said my fare wells three months before. I saw her for the last time on January 4th, 1995 (and I was absolutely sure that it was for the last time); she died the following March 25th. I remember her, but I also remember that she’d been going steadily downhill for the last year or so.
I’m not sure. If it does then there has been a time, when one specific person died, when I have been a bad person. And there may come a time when another specific person dies I’ll be a bad person again.
“I’m learning to live with a lot of things.” -Liam Neeson
I do, but it’s not necessarily crying out of self-pity because I miss the deceased.
What does it for me is seeing the family members so torn up and unhappy- it’s generally a really heartbreaking thing for me, and I usually tear up whether I want to or not, and it’s somewhat independent of who died.
Then again, I’m a fairly emotional guy anyway, so your mileage may vary.
of course i loved her. i dont know if i was attached to her though. i mean, she was a huge part of my childhood, and loved me greatly, and i feel the same way, but our personalities aren’t similar at all and besides i am closely attached to very few people, though i love all of humanity in a cosmic sense.
I might cry, but generally not at the funerals themselves - I prefer to grieve in private. (The exception is at my grandma’s funeral when my aunt got up and read a letter she’d written to her - I was actually kind of resentful because it made me cry, like, how dare she?)
The criticism of grief and the way it manifests itself - or doesn’t - is one of the cruelest things that can be, I think. And I positively despise and hold in great contempt people who, at the funeral or wake, instead of grieving are watching to see who else is crying.
When my mother was cremated my cousins and aunt were all sobbing hysterically and dramatically but I didn’t cry until my brother actually pushed the button that burned her body up. Even now I feel a lump in my throat thinking of that moment. I went into it telling myself that whatever grief I would feel would be normal for me, and no one else could tell me a thing. It’s been the right way, and your way is the right way for you.
To answer the OP: Depends on how close I was to the deceased if I cry or not. But regardless, as others have said, it shouldn’t matter because how one chooses to grieve should be a private matter.
