I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. When I have doubts about my place in the world, and what it is to be a human being and a man, one inspiration I remember is you, TokyoPlayer. By the love and caring that shine through your writings, I get a glimpse of what it really means to be a father.
Sunspace, thank you, but no, you are too generous in your words.
The question I faced when I had children was can a person who was beaten, raped, mind washed, and otherwise severely emotionally, mentally and physically abused as a child learn to be a good father. Really, how does one who only knows hell learn how to emotionally develop to the point where he can provide not only for the physical welfare of his children but also attend to their emotional needs as well.
It presents a challenge, as parenting, or rather good parenting does for everyone, but does add additional requirements for learning. Certain gut reactions need to be stifled and a great deal of emotional growth become a necessity for those of us who grew up in insane asylums with no physical or mental escape were forced to acquire coping mechanisms which allowed up to survive, but handicap us as adults.
Young babies are easy, they need to feed, held, cared for, paid attention to and loved and they will be fine. As they start to become toddlers and develop a will of their own, and hit the terrible twos and beyond, then you find that without an example of a sane way home environment, you’ve got to create one from scratch.
It’s been a battle, and the war in not over yet, but with a great deal of luck, I can continue to grow in order to help them.
I’ve somethings thought that I should do “an ask the father who was abused as a child” tread about the particular challenges one is faced with. I’m sure there are other dopers who have had to go through the same struggle and it would be interesting to hear how they have learned to cope as well.
I’m hijacking my own thread, so I’ll stop.
I really do want to thank those who remember Ian. Pough-chan’s death was really, really hard but it was, and still is, a great source of comfort to know that my little boy is remembered by people.
Such raw emotion makes me unsure what to say… TP your son is remembered, and we love you and all your family. Never feel afraid to post anything here!
I’m sorry, but isn’t this contradictory? I say and mean this with all gentleness, but have you thought that there is a time in the future where you won’t be having birthday parties for your lost son?
Five years… I can’t believe that so much time has passed.
Two more children equally beloved, a new home, a peaceful family life. You lost so much, and you gained so much.
I’m just going to leave it there and not attempt to suggest that all the good should cancel out the heartbreak because it doesn’t work that way and we all know that.