Pough Chan would have been 12 yesterday.

It seems we are getting fewer people left here on the boards from 12 years ago. But for those who were there, Pough Chan would have been 12 years old yesterday. I always get sad around this time of year, but this time hasn’t been that bad.

And for those who remember, Beta-chan is turning 10 in a couple of weeks and Didi is turning 8.

Someone said, the days go slowly but the years go quickly.

I simply would not have imagined how much life would be different. I teach kids that age, and occasionally wonder what it would have been like if he had survived. Our other kids will be that age soon enough.

I do really want to thank the people here on the board who were so supportive through all that went on then. It’s amazing what the impact is from a life that was measured only in hours, rather than decades or years.

Can’t add much to the above, other than to express my ongoing admiration of the grace with which you’ve dealt with his abbreviated life and its aftermath. Blessings be upon Pough Chan, and peace to you and yours.

I’m sorry for your heartbreaking loss! He lives on in your heart and mind!

I have a terrible memory for who posted what when - I really do, but your story of what might have been and your loss has always stuck with me. Happy Birthday Pough Chan. You are loved, and you are missed.

I remember. I’m struggling with what to write because there really are no words. No parents should have to go through what you went through.

<silent respect>

Hugs to you and yours! Get out your gratitude list, make sure your family is all accounted for on the list. Feel your loss, do the next right thing.

I remember.

May you and your family go well.

Hugs and thoughts to you and your family.


It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. My grandmother had a child who died at birth, but she never saw her, in the 30’s the doctors advised against it. I’m glad you got to know Pough Chan. So sorry for your loss.

Very sorry for your loss.

For those unfamiliar with this sad event, here is TokyoBayer’s original thread from 12 years ago.

(**TokyoBayer **gave me permission to post the link.)

It’s hard to imagine that it’s been twelve years. I remember your series of posts back then and the heartbreak when you learned Pough Chan wouldn’t be in this world long. It still makes me sad to think of that time. Wishing you peace for you and your family.


I remember the heavy sadness when I read your post twelve years ago like it was last week. I never wanted children and a small part of it was due to not having the courage to go through what you were forced to. And now I’m tearing up again.

Light a joss stick for Pough-chan and give the other two an extra hug, just because.

I remember small Ian Pough as well… HUGS

I remember.

My heart is with you and your family.

Hang in there. As you wrote, the days can pass slowly but the years quickly. 12 years has gone by dang fast my friend

My condolences to you and your family.

TLDR : Doing much better, thank you.

Thank you everyone, especially Crafter Man for posting that thread. Looking back, it really was quite an experience. There will always be the memory of it, but the shear rawness of the pain has gone.

I remember the pain of losing my first girlfriend. The first one I really, really loved and wanted to write bad songs about. Thank the gods for no musical ability. And how much that just absolutely crushed me when she dumped me.

Swore I’d never love anyone again; no way that I’d ever expose myself to that sort of hurt again. A natural born drama queen, I thought that I had experienced the worst that life could throw at me.

Yet it’s incomparable in the way a cold couldn’t prepare you for pneumonia. It’s good because I learned that I really can’t understand what others have been through.

What a journey, including some self-inflicted consequences of less-than-ideal coping strategies. The childhood trauma from my family of origin, and then this just lead to some really awful methods of attempting to mask the pain, which caused additional stress, as one can imagine.

A few years of a gradual decent into a real darkness and then the road to recovery from all of that has taken the better part of the subsequent years. Fortunately, I’ve had the good luck of finally meeting a good therapist, a great mentor in a 12 Step program and some good friends who have their own struggles.

Thankfully, tragedies can present opportunities for growth, and I like to think that I’ve learned some things out of all of this. Hopefully this experience has helped me become a better father for our two other children.

I was just sharing this amusing anecdote with the kids. In both Japanese and Chinese there is a careful distinction between older and younger siblings. You always say “older brother” or “younger sister” rather than simply “brother” and “sister” and usually use that instead of their names.

While we were still in Tokyo, Pough’s picture was up in the living room, and when Taiwan Grandma was staying with us, she would always show the picture and say “Older Brother” to Didi, was 18 months at the time. Whenever we were out and about, and Didi would see a baby, he’d cry out “Older Brother.”

I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child TokyoBayer. It’s just not part of the ‘natural order’ where kids live and bury their parents, and not the other way 'round. It’s not something you ever ‘get over’ but still life continues relentlessly regardless.

Thanks for sharing the anniversary of Ian’s birth again with us. It’s terribly sad that we’re not sharing other important anniversaries, but I appreciate that he is still well loved.

And he IS remembered.