A few of the older posters may remember when I lost Ian, my oldest son. Pough-chan would have been 10 in September had he survived.
It was really, really hard at the time, and for several years after that. Things got better with time, but for some reason it seems to bother me more this year. Maybe because it’s a round number, I don’t know.
I thought it has been put to rest, but it’s not comfortable now.
Since we have moved from Japan to Taiwan, none of our friends here knows about it.
Anyway, don’t have much to say about it, except that it does feel bad.
I certainly remember. I don’t think sadness at the memory of a loss like that ever entirely goes away. Don’t feel like you “should” be over it. As I told someone once when I was tearing up over my mom’s death several years earlier, “I hope I never stop being sad at the loss of my mom. What would that say about her, or about me?” So, know that there are people here who do remember your loss and your son, and are so sorry for that loss.
Like kayT, I remember; furthermore, I recall thinking that I could not possibly have handled the situation with as much grace as you did. More to the point, I still find myself grieving at times when remembering my mother, and she’s been gone over 35 years. In my case, I think it may be a way of keeping a small part of her alive since she died far too young (58, when females in her family hit 100 as often as not).
Pax tecum — but never feel the need to apologize to anyone. Especially us.
Just because you’ve healed doesn’t mean you don’t have scars, and scars sometimes ache. Even the ones inside, where the cold wind can’t reach them. Most of us end up with at least a few of those; the pain is a reminder that we cared.
In that light…I think it’s better than the alternative.
I lost my bestest big boy just a year ago, mid-August, and while I have a new puppy taking some of the sting out of it, it still hurts and will hurt for a long time. It’s not just you, and for every person who might roll their eyes and say “enough’s enough,” or “get over it” - there are many of us who understand just how much and how long the pain goes on.
I really remember. I can’t imagine how painful it is to lose a child, I’ve heard psychologists say its the worst pain a person can go through. It’s supposed to be worse than the loss of a spouse.
Grieve all you need to. As someone has already said, scars heal over but the pain still aches sometimes.
I’m coming up on the second anniversary of the death of my father. My problem isn’t so much the grief, although there’s plenty of that. It’s the anger at the guy who killed him, a distracted driver. I just can’t get with people who keep calling it an accident.
I will pray for you and your wife, that the love is remembered and that you have the strength to deal with the sadness.
Hang in there TokyoBayer. It has to be tough. I simply can’t comprehend what it would be like to lose a child, and I really hope I never have to learn. Anyhoo, thinking good thoughts your way.
If it might make you or your wife feel better, go light some incense and burn the paper “presents” you can find everywhere in Taiwan to “send” to Pough-chan. Rituals *can *be comforting
I reread some of your old threads, I’m sorry for your pain, its a pain I hope I never have to go through. I know I can’t personally know what you’re going through, but I can tell that you are a strong person to persevere through a life that hasn’t always been kind to you. I sometimes think people are too quick to shove negative emotions down inside, every once in a while you just have to let all the walls come down and just let those feelings come out, like a purging. New transitions in life tend to make me and I suspect many others ruminate about the past and how things have played out. Its a strange world we live in, the personal feelings we share with people we’ve never met half a world away, in the ocean of the interwebs.
I am so sorry to hear about the lost of son . This has to be the most difficult time of year for you , your son birthday and anniversary of this death being so close together .
You’re never going to be over it. I miss my friend who died in 1998 and never got to see the Star Wars prequels (oh well, but he would’ve loved them) and the new Star Wars movies, Marvel movies, Lord of the Rings, etc etc etc. I think of him often whenever a movie he would’ve loved comes out.
And I especially miss my Dad who died in 1984 - I’ve lived twice as much life without him as I had with him, but he still figures large in my memory every time we pass either his birthday (last week) or his death day (Feb) or Father’s Day.
It’s been almost 22 years for me, and I will always wonder what he would have been like growing up and as an adult. I also don’t talk about it much because this is the kind of thing where people tend to put you on a pedestal because you’re so brave for getting through this and all that inspirational horseshit, and isn’t God awesome for helping you get through this! Uh, no. I got through it on my own with the help of a lot of counseling and medication, thanks, and is this awesome God the same God who made me go through this in the first place? Yeah, I’m still pretty angry about that, hence my desire to not talk about it.
It doesn’t feel as bad as in the immediate aftermath. don’t feel that I “should” be over and I do get sad each year. I was just a little surprised that this year feels more than others.
I’m used to it, but this is a good time for a pubic service announcement:
Even if you really do love your pet, like you imagine people love their children, it’s not helpful to parents.
I am an idiot. My apologies, TB, if I sounded frivolous.
I have had many losses among the people in my life (including a spouse) as well, but I am fortunate enough not to have lost any of my (many) children. I have friends who have, and I can only distantly imagine the level of pain that accompanies that.
I do believe all pain is bearable if you can share it. It may be the only way to bear it.
Ten years ago, I really thought that things were impossible. I really can’t describe the pain.
I have a good friend who got divorced a couple of years after her son also died shortly after birth. I can see that. It’s not that we were ever in danger, but these things can test the relationship.
TokyoBayer - Don’t ever feel you have to be “over it”. My sister lost twins at birth, born alive, but very premature and they didn’t make it. Even now, 35 years later, she still grieves for what might have been.
