I lost my mother to cancer in Sept. She was only 56 years old. I thought I was getting over it, but the holiday season has made things much worse. I’ve spent the last 28 Christmas seasons with my mom and this is the first one that I have not been with her.
I am only writing this to vent my feelings. I’ve always been the emotionally strong one in my family and I’ve spent the last months consoling my brother and sister. I know if I were to break down in front of them they wouldn’t be able to take it.
I would like to write more to express how I feel, but the whiskey that is helping me sleep during this time is also severly inhibiting my ability to type.
How long does it take to stop regretting the things you wish you would have done and the things you wish you would have said?
The pain, in my experience, never fully goes away. The bouts of memories and what-ifs generally fade away until they’re infrequent, unless you have triggers like I do. Avoid too many memories until the pain is numbed. This may take years, but if you hate crying like I do, then it’s not so bad.
Everyone’s different, everyone deals with grief differently. I found angry poetry and donuts work best for me. Alcohol is not a good solution, because then one becomes used to it and I would like to say I haven’t seen alcoholism result from the depression that follows a death, but I can’t. I say pick a vice that’s not so damaging to the liver.
I lost my father to cancer, he was 56 and I was almost thirteen (and then my mom’s best friend, 67, at 15, and there are more. People, when you marry old remember that death happens increasingly with age.) Going on four years this March. Don’t be afraid to cry because you’re the emotionally strong one, because it builds up and it’s better to deal with the reaction now.
One thing I do advise is write down your favorite memories now, because no matter what you think you won’t forget, you might. I remember a whole lot more bad than I do good, and it stings.
I’ve never lost a parent so I can’t really imagine what your going through. That being said, with all things you have to take them one day at a time. It is easier to deal with a problem by just making it through the day and not thinking what will happen five years from now. I am betting you feel better just putting your feelings into words, I know I always do. Hope you feel better buddy.
I lost my mother in 1992 when I was 20; she was 59. One of my best friends lost her mom 2 years ago at 56. The holidays make things very painful. I wish I could tell you that the first year of holidays is the worst, but the second is a doozy too. I think this is because people are very solicitous the holiday season after you lose someone; by the second year, everyone else has moved on but you.
It takes a while, with good days and bad days. Time is the only thing that makes it better. I know that is a sucky answer but it’s true. The rough edges get worn off and you are able to think about the person without wanting to wail.
Don’t feel bad about crying. Call up the people who you can talk to and just talk about whatever you need to. Hire a therapist if you feel too weird about burdening your friends. Remember the good things, the love and the times that were happy and fun. Enjoy them and remember your mom loved you and would not want you to be suffering all the time, so it’s OK to move on. That’s the hardest thing-- feeling OK about moving on. You’re not letting go of her by letting go of your intense feelings of grief, and you’re not betraying her. It’s not wrong of you to have a day go by when you don’t feel like crap. Your mom would want that for you, when you’re ready.
Focus on the good. The end does not define what came before. The truth of that will come to you in time. Meantime, grieve as you can, when you can, and realize all this is part of the sucktastic humanity of loss. Go easy on the booze, too, as you know it’s not the answer to any of this.
Poor brewha! The holidays are always a challenging time, especially when dealing with loss. Three months is way too soon for it to stop hurting yet. The analogy I like to use for this is that of a big gouge in a tree. Have you ever seen what a tree does after you gouge it? I mean, like, years after? The gouge never goes away, the tree just grows around it. So it will be with the loss of your mom. You will learn to live with and grow around the pain. That doesn’t mean the anguished feeling won’t go away. Don’t worry. It will. But it’s going to take a while. Meanwhile, I suggest you try to lay off the booze if you can help it. It’s actually gonna make it worse. Good luck to you!
My dad died on December 30, 1997. I can’t believe it’s been nine years, and although it’s not as hard now as it was in, say, 1998, I don’t believe the pain ever really goes away. As a friend told me at the time, it’s not something you get over; it’s something that’s always going to be part of your life and you learn to live with it. In other words, just like Girl Next Door said, only she said it better.
For me, the regrets about what we didn’t say or do have faded considerably and the good feelings about what what we did say and do are more prominent. I was one of the older of my siblings, and, like you, I felt that I had to be strong in front of the others. After a while, though, I discovered that when I broke down and shared my feelings with them, everyone felt a whole lot better. The death of a parent changes family dynamics, and your siblings might just welcome an opportunity to show some strength to you.
Good luck, and I hope things start easing up for you in the coming year.
While I’d accepted that the stuff unsaid was “not exclusively my fault” and that he was not willing to hear it several days before Dad actually passed, there’s some foods I still can’t have: they were among the few things he’d eat for the last two years, so now they taste to me like woodshavings. Every time I see any of those foods I see Dad sitting in his armchair.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Dad has been gone now for just over 3 years and I still feel sad sometimes. My grandmother died 11 years ago right on my birthday, which ruined the day and Dad used to tease me that he was going to pass on that day too, just to spite me. Damn if he didn’t come close. My birthday is Dec 1st and Dad passed on Dec 3rd. Now each year on my birthday I can’t help but think of him.
The pain will ease, I promise. It takes a while, but it will.
First off, brewha, lay off the whiskey. That’s not a good way to cope.
As far as your sibs, break down if you need to. It’s your turn for some consoling, and they understand what you’re going through.
The first year is the hardest. You have to go through the first Christmas, the first New Year’s, the first birthday, the first Mother’s Day, etc, without your mom.
I wouldn’t say it gets easier, but the pain does lessen over time. We lost Ivylad’s father three years ago this coming March, and although there’s still a hole, every time I call my MIL and hear my FIL’s voice on the answering machine I smile.
Take your time. It’s tough, and there’s no point in hiding from it.
I agree with what’s said about the whiskey – not a good thing. Having a cry is. Also, I agree that the pain never fully goes away, but it lessens in time. However, that said: don’t let folk put a time-limit on your grief. Grief is personal, it’s deep, and you’ll be over the worst when you’re over the worst, when you’ll know it’s time to move on.
My sympathies to you, brewha. And my best wishes to you and yours.
Thanks to everyone for the kind words. Don’t worry about me too much. I’m not drinknig to cope, I was just drinking last night and got a little too emotional. I guess it really is a depressant.
I know it takes time, but I will get through this. It is helping me to know that others have been through what I am and to know that it will get better. Thanks for the advice. I don’t know why it’s easier for me to talk to people I’ve never met, but it is and I appreciate it.
I’m sorry about your mom, brewha. I’ve never lost a parent, so I can’t know what you’re going through, but I do know that the holidays are a brutal magnifier of sadness. I hope that you’re taking care of yourself, and that things get better for you soon.
I lost Dad, who was one of my best friends on September 19, 2002 of a series of heart attacks… He was only 58. Like you, I was 28. At the time, I felt like I was too young to lose a parent, and 58 is certainly too damn young to die. I felt as though I had a hole in my heart, especially during the holidays and even moreso when I was married the following February. I couldn’t bear to have a traditional wedding because he was not there to give me away. So I got married in Harry Truman’s personal office at the courthouse; something Dad would have thought was cool (and dammit, he wasn’t there to enjoy it). Not only was I grieving, I was also very angry that I lost him so soon.
Everyone here is absolutely correct: It never fully goes away, but it gets better. I talk about him a lot, I even talk to him. Sometimes it’s just like a one-way conversation, other times, I swear at him for not being here when I need him. There are certain songs I can’t listen to without sobbing. I won’t go to the little shop we went to the day he died. I’ll never have lunch at his favorite restaurant again.
The hole in my heart has gotten smaller and less painful, but it will always be there. When we lose someone so important, so close, I think there will always be a void. But I swear to you, it does indeed get less painful. When I talk about him, it’s usually about his little quirks or like, "Man, Dad would have LOVED this (insert whatever). And when I do this, I don’t break down anymore.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. I just woke up and I’m still kinda fuzzy. Your OP sorta struck a nerve with me- it’s my birthday and I’m wishing Dad was here to hang out with me.
My mom (who lost her husband a few years ago) says that while the pain doesn’t necessarily lose the intensity, the gaps between breakdowns get longer and longer.
I am dreading the day I need to say goodbye to my parents and I feel badly for you brewha. Wish I was there and could hug you, wouldn’t be the same, I know, but it’s from a mom
I was the same age as you are, and my Mom had just turned 54 when I lost her 18 years ago. There is nothing I or anyone else can say that will make you feel better - I wish there was. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone; you have siblings both to grieve with and to remember your Mom with. I was alone, and I think that was the hardest part.
Missing her will never go away, but it does get easier. It takes a lot of time, but the pain will get less sharp. There will come a time when you can remember her with laughter and smiles instead of tears.
She is always a part of you - nothing can take that away.
My father died in his late 50’s, while I was on my honeymoon. It was years before I could look at my wedding photos.
I find that the second anniversaries are worse than the first. While shere’s some drop-off of the immediate grief and disbelief, in my personal experience, and in my clinical experience, about 2-3 years after the death is when people feel more normal than not.
I’d really encourage you to talk to a therapist who specializes in grief and loss. As you’re well aware, it’s exhausting being the strong one in your family, and it takes courage to feel your feelings and live with your own vulnerability. Particularly because of this:
I want to encourage you to see a therapist. And if you’re self-medicating with whisky, I’d like you to consider asking for an antidepressant instead. It may be more effective.
You will never forget your mom, and all that she meant to you. In time, it won’t be the first thing you think of when you wake up. That’s a big step. Let her life inspire you, not drag you down.
To answer the thread title: Never. Oh, you may learn to live with it, or cover it up, or temporarily ignore it, but it will always be there. Always.
In a similar thread a while back (sorry, my search-fu isn’t powerful enough to find it), a Doper compared it to carrying an anvil for the rest of your life. You might eventually get stronger and not notice for a moment or two that you’re still carrying it, but the weight is there nonetheless. I like that metaphor.
I lost my dad to cancer slightly over two years ago, and not a damned day goes by that I don’t think about him or wish that I could call him and tell him the latest. And that was with plenty of preparation (we knew almost a year in advance that time was short and planned out his funeral with him exactly the way he wanted, set up a trust, made peace, and so on). I can’t imagine how people even begin to cope with sudden, unanticipated deaths.
I’m 53.
This year, my Mum died in September and my Dad died in November.
I’m still recovering (the doctor told me to take time off work due to ‘bereavement reaction’.
The things that are helping me are:
talking to others (family, friends, counsellor)
thinking about how my parents live on in me (if I act well, it honours them)
consoling others (because I know how they feel)
crying if I want to (I’m a man - so what? I loved my parents and it’s better than holding it in)
