When wil it stop hurting?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I really don’t know what to say. I just wanted to acknowledge all of the comments and express my sincere gratitude to all that responded.

I’m a dumb guy and will not express emotions while sober. And since I’ve now learned to not post while drunk, this is all that I will post to this thread. In reality you all are nothing more than pixels on my monitor, but in truth I value our relationship of anonymity.

What I am trying to say is thank you for listening to my problems. I know (despite the suggestions) that I will not go to a therapist. But, maybe this has given me the courage to talk to those close to me and maybe open up a bit with my feelings.

If anyone posts after this, I will read it but will not respond. Had I not been drunk, I would have never started this thread. I would rather let this thread descend into the archive abyss than to be reminded of it.

22

I saw your last post but wanted to answer anyways.

My parents died a few years apart when I was in my 20’s. It still sucks about ten years later but it gets easier. This Christmas Eve at dinner we were even laughing at my Dad still for some of his unusual culinary choices.

Talk to your siblings. They are the ones who best feel the same as you.

(and switch to vodka :smiley: )

23

I am so so sorry. :frowning:

Don’t be strong for everyone. You owe it to yourself to have your own grief. If others can’t handle it, tough! If it brings up issues that block your grieving, go do it with a therapist/counselor/friend/whatever. But do it. It is the way of humanity and growth.

My father died 7 years ago, just short of his 78th birthday. I still miss him! I have so many questions, so many things to tell him and share with him. Why didn’t I do this all sooner? :smack: Of course, we all ask that. We never have enough time.

Over time, the shock and unreality of his death have gone away. I still sometimes find myself being amazed that he is not here. The undeniable fact of his death has filled my life with sadness, awe, and also a certain resolution to seize the time and the day.

Losing someone you love hurts more than I can describe. The feeling I get is something having punched a hole straight through my body. Over time, the pain is like a scar or a sore knee; it never goes away, but you don’t feel it constantly. As long as you are alive, life keeps happening, and you move forward. You don’t set aside your love or your pain, and you don’t forget, but you make it part of yourself.

Scars don’t always have to burn. Sometimes you can look at them with fondness, and see them as souvenirs of joyous times. With luck and effort, you can use your memories to keep your mother’s memory alive, to become her best parts and show them to the world. In that sense, she truly becomes immortal.

A friend of mine once assured me that I would see my father again someday. Perhaps. I would love to, but I don’t need to. I sense his presence around me, telling me to be my best and let go of my worst, and above all not let my loss destroy my life. He tells me to let go of my needing him, and by doing that he will always be with me.

24

You just do, somehow. My dad died completely unexpectedly when I was 17; he was 41.

It’s been 14 years this next May. I still miss him. I always will. But I’ve gotten to where even missing him is kind of good, like yeah, I remember him, I wish he was here. I will always be his little girl on some level.

High school graduation was hard, because I really wanted him to be there. And if I have kids they won’t know their grandfather, which does make me sad because he was an awesome dad.

But you go on. Day by day. I don’t know any other way to explain it.

25

So sorry and sad for you, Brewha. I can only repeat what others have already told you–I lost my Mom to cancer in 2003, so it’s been 3 1/2 years for me. Her birthday was 12/28, so the Christmas season is usually hardest for me. I’m the oldest of 5 (only girl), and what’s really helped me is sharing memories of our Mom with my brothers. Even, or maybe even especially, sharing stories of embarassing moments - they get us to laughing and even she had a sense of humor about them. It is okay to show your grief to your siblings and share it with them–they’re experiencing it too, you know.

I know this is going to be hard to hear, and probably even harder to do, but you should just let go of the “what ifs” and try to forget about things you shouldn’t have said, or what you should have said but didn’t. When my Mom was in hospice, the caregivers kept gently urging her to let go of her own grudges and “what ifs.” She was better able to be at peace when she finally did so. I think it works for those left behind as well.

Your Mom will always be with you in your heart and in your memories. Share those memories from time to time - write them down, so that you can read them when they might fade from your own memory. The pain will not go away completely but will lessen over time. I hope this helps you some.

26

Ah, hugs. It’s so hard to lose someone who is so monumental in one’s life. I still miss my mum, and we would fight like rabid wildcats when she was around. It’s an awfully big hole, and holidays make it seem bigger and deeper and darker. It will get better, but it takes time. Hang in there, and it’s okay to get maudlin and weepy. That’s mourning.

No matter what kind of child you were, there is always something that you look back on and wish you did better, more often, or differently. It’s human nature.