I Miss My Father

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sitting here tonight, avoiding housework, and all of a sudden get hit with the Christmas blues to the point I’m crying. The holidays are an emotional time for me anyhow, but tonight I’m really missing my father.

He died 11 years ago (when I was a senior in high school). The pain is just as fresh as it was then. I look at my son and see so much of my father in his mannerisms. My son has the same color eyes and the same color hair. I just wish my father had been able to see his first grandchild.

I don’t know why I started this thread. Now I feel worse than ever. Does the pain of losing a parent ever diminish or does it just get stronger with each passing year? I’m so afraid I’ll forget the way he spoke or what he looked like as I get older. Does it ever hurt any less?

2

Well, I may not be able to tell you anything that will make you feel better, but you can at least know that it’s entirely normal to feel the way you do, and that you’re not alone.

My father died in May, and of course, it’s my first Christmas ever without him. The holidays are always a tough time when you’ve lost a loved one. Christmas and parents are especially bad.

At some point, on your own timetable, the pain will diminish and be replaced with good memories. You’ll always miss your father, but as time goes on, you’ll be able to think more of things you two shared. Your pain may likely diminish as your son gets older. His looks may be a reminder, but as he grows, you may find yourself imparting some of Dad’s wisdom on him, and you’ll start to accept things more and more. (I don’t know if I’m expressing this well.)

As far as your worries of forgetting things, I sure hope not! I like to think that I’ll always remember my dad’s voice, image, and mannerisms. We’ve got pictures, maybe voice or video recordings if we’re lucky. However, you don’t even need that to always remember.

I suspect that much of how a person deals with this type of thing has to do with events preceding a death, and also with how the person died. Naturally, if you, say, had an argument, or neglected to see someone, or whatever, you’ll have a much tougher time with your loss. If the person died suddenly, it’s generally harder to deal with.

In my case, my mother was out of town for a weekend. My wife insisted that I fly home, spend the time with my father, and ask him whatever I wanted, and say whatever I needed. I did, and I’m so glad. That was the last time I saw him before he had a stroke. So, while I miss my father terribly, I had time to prepare myself, and I have no regrets. Although, sort of like you, I really wish he had a chance to visit me and see my house and everything I’ve built. After all, he’s the one who taught me everything. I’m not religious, but I still like to think that the spirit lives on. Perhaps your father has seen his grandson afterall. I know I find myself talking to my father all the time, asking him what I should do if I’m trying to fix something, for example. The funny thing is that an answer will pop in my head, too.

sheerah, it’ll be hard, but you know you’ll make it through. I’m making it, even if I am getting a little misty just typing this. You can post something back if you feel the need to, even e-mail if you’d like, or whatever works for you. Now go give your son a hug. Your father will like that. :slight_smile:

3

{{sheerah}}

Don’t know what else to say or do. :frowning: I’m close to my dad, and I couldn’t imagine having a Christmas without him.

And now that I’ve previewed, I’ve read Dire Wolf’s post, and now I’m getting teary. {{Dire Wolf}}

Gonna go hug my dad now.

4

My father died when I was a senior in high school in 1995. I usually have a dream about him at least once a week. Every single time I say, “Dad, I thought you were dead.” and he replies something like, “Why would you think that?” Strange, I guess. I wish he could have met my fiancee.

5

I lost my father a few Decembers ago, too. We were just starting to get it together. I associate Christmas with my father and my birthday with my brother, who died a couple Junes before.

{{{{{sheerah & Dire Wolf and AudreyK}}}}}

6

Does it help at all to know that you aren’t alone? Probably not. But you aren’t alone in feeling this way…

I miss mine too. He died unexpectedly in 1996. Sometimes I’m semi-okay with the whole situation, and then other times I’d really like to run screaming and flailing my arms and slamming into the walls of the closest padded cell.

Since he died, I get a little artificial tree and hot glue his favorite kind of little ornaments and starry garland to it, and my Mom and I take it to the cemetery every year.

Sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse, sometimes it makes me want to scream, but it is a way of remembering. Other people that have friends or family in the cemetery have also started doing that. I feel like I am still doing something for him.

I love you, Daddy. Wherever you are.

7

I’d trade you if I could.

8

My sympathy to sheerah and everyone else here who’s lost a parent. I’m lucky enough to still have both of mine, and I wish you all could too.

9

{{{sheerah and Dire Wolf and everyone}}}

Christmas sorta sucks, doesn’t it? Well, it doesn’t have to, and the memories do become more bittersweet and less sad, as the time passes.

My dad died 12 (almost 13) years ago. He was kinda like “Father Christmas”, he kept the traditions going, and he was very sentimental. I remember him calling up his sisters (the Aunties) on Christmas day, barking “Bah Humbug!” with such glee. He waited all year to do that. And he had such a thing for “A Christmas Carol” - he collected different movie and TV versions of it, and watched as many variations of that tale each Christmastime. And - his Christmas music collection. I remember growing up to hearing the most sublime music during the season. Lots of Robert Shaw Choral. He’d often play it in the mornings, so we’d wake up to it. (Sniff)

Now that he’s gone, the Aunties do a pretty good job of keeping things going. But it isn’t the same. My sisters and mom sorta do our part too, but…it isn’t the same. And now that I have moved out-of-state and can’t make it back home for Christmas, Christmas really sucks big time. I might as well forget about it. My friends here think I am pathetic, and in a way, I am. But I am not all that depressed. I just have great memories. If I never have a decent Christmas again (and frankly, I don’t really hold any hopes) that’s OK. I have my memories.

Chief Crunch - my dad’s been dead for 13 years, and I still have dreams about him. They’re always bittersweet dreams, but it’s always nice to see him. Even if it’s just a dream.

Now I’m getting misty-eyed. Well, gee thanks!

I guess my point is, memories are always a comfort. And it gets better with time.

10

I forgot to mention this before… if you want to go ahead and just really have a bawlfest and get it sort of out of your system for the moment, pick up the cd ‘Chet Atkins, CGP’ and listen to the last song, ‘I still can’t say goodbye’.

It is an amazing song, just one man and one guitar, and it even mentions Christmas in it. It used to make me cry when my father was alive. After he died I got the cd and listened to the song over and over until I could stand it. But I love the song.

“Wind blows through the trees; streetlights, they still shine bright. Most things are the same, but I miss my Dad tonight.”

“No matter how hard I try, no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how many years go by – I still can’t say goodbye.”

11

I started a post that was a Chistmas card to my mother, who died 2 years ago now, from some obscure blood disease.

Never posted it.

In the last year, my mother, her mother, my Dad’s mother, her sister’s husband, my Dad’s 2nd cousin, all died.
Plus some other people.

I am well versed in the protocols of funerals, if anyone has any questions.

If and when my Dad dies, (and he’s got less than 30 years left, the way he’s going) I will be totally alone in the Universe.

Wombat. kiosk. Credenz. Balloon.

12

My father died when I was 14, in 1984. I have lived over half my life without him, and it sucks.

I too have dreams about my Dad, maybe twice a year. They are strange, in that he’s there as though he always was and never left, and younger and healthier than when I saw him those months up to when he finally went.

I miss him. I wish I could ask him so many questions about his life and what he thought about things.

And now I live in another country, all alone from my family, and am spending my second Christmas away from them.

sigh :frowning:

13

Thanks, everyone. I guess I was really feeling sorry for myself last night and it got the better of me. For the most part, I’m able to remember the good times without getting completely maudlin about the entire situation, but last night was different.

My dad died suddenly and without warning. One morning he took me to school and that afternoon he had a stroke while at work. I did get to go to the hospital and stay with him for a while, but he never regained consciousness and the doctors feel he was probably brain-dead before he even reached the hospital. I stood in ICU, holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. Sometimes (especially at times like this) I wonder if he heard me.

I take some comfort in the fact that my son has my father’s eyes. Everyone else in the family has green or brown eyes, but my dad’s and my son’s are grey. It hurts to know my son will never get to know his grandfather and only see him in pictures, but I try to tell him as much as I can about my father before I break down.

The fear of forgetting how he pronounced my name and how he read the paper or drank a cup of coffee scares me. I don’t ever want to forget those things. I mean, if I lose my memory of the man, what do I have left.

It does help to know I’m not the only one missing their parents on this holiday weekend. I’d give anything to have one more hour with him and I know you all would do the same. Thanks so much for making me feel like I’m not so alone. It means a lot to me right now.

14

The pain does not go away, but you become more accepting of the loss. By gaining perpective, the pain becomes managable.

Muffin

15

No, you won’t.

16

As the vast majority of the population goes through this twice, I guess we really can’t complain about it being extraordinarily difficult and painful, because it’s ordinary and common.

That, at least, is what I tell myself every morning.

If your parent was a traditionalist at the holidays, I’m guessing Christmas at Year Two is the worst. Year One you’ve got shock and surprise working on you, and by Year Three and beyond a lot has changed in your life and you’ve hopefully rebuilt something to fill the space your parent left behind.

I hope.

Both my grandfathers died of cancer within a year of each other, when I was an infant. My parents never spoke much about what they went through; I think they redoubled their efforts at raising their own kids. Bravo on you, sheerah, for recognizing his grandfather’s physical traits in your son and for passing on your father’s love down through a generation. So many people do the opposite (loiter around the courthouse sometime if you’re afraid your parenting is lax).

I’m sure that adolescence is the worst time to lose a parent, and our hearts go out to those who have and will. My own young brother was rushed away from his 18th birthday party and arrived at the hospital as our mother drew her final breaths. I know he will never forget that, though I hope that time dulls the pain somewhat for him. I’m certain that he won’t observe Christmas the same way again.
To live in hearts we love, is not to die

17

Sheerah, I believe your father heard you and also felt you holding his hand. This can be a very lonely time of year for people who have lost loved ones.

I visited my parents graves today, told them how yesterday was and about things going on in my life. I know they both heard me today and soon I’ll likely dream about them as well as I always seem to, especially when something is bothering me.

Having your son’s cheerful face to look into is a wonderful reminder of your dad. You will never forget him or the impact he had on your life. Your dad is imbedded in your heart which is the best place for you to hold your memories.