I was thinking about the “Is love worth it” thread and have started wondering if friendships are worth it. I do not mean that to sound as cynical as it probably sounds. I have a husband and love doing things with him. I also like socializing in groups with him, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not like socializing one-on-one and doing normal “girl things” with casual friends.
I would rather go shopping alone, I would rather go to a movie alone. I would rather eat alone or with a bunch of complete strangers than with people I know casually. I get extremely stressed out (although I do not think this is apparent) with chitty-chatty small talk that occurs with basically everyone except my friends from childhood. To be totally honest, with the exception of a really small number of life-long friends, I do not think I would really care if I never spoke to the majority of women that I know ever again. I feel completely heartless saying that but sometimes I think it is true.
Anyway, I moved a few years ago and do not have a strong interest in making friends. I have been beating myself up for not being more pro-active about pursuing girl friends and I suddenly had an epiphany that maybe I am just the type of person who is a better loner. I have never considered this option because I have always been the “bubbly” one and I make friends fairly easily (when I try).
I do not think it’s a matter of having my husband be my entire social life because I have a lot of interests other than him, but I am more comfortable being alone with those other interests. I think that if anything ever happened to him, I would go live on a mountain top and be a confirmed loner.
Am I a weirdo? Does anyone else feel like this? (I do not think I am depressed, by the way).
Nah. You’re ok. I’m like that. I don’t have a “best girlfriend” in the sense of someone you hang around with and talk to everyday, though I do have very dear friends who are ladies.
Is your husband like that too? One of the things which endears me to Sweety is his “lone wolf” quality. His mom used to tell him he would enjoy being a hermit. You know what? I would too!
No, I don’t think you’re a weirdo. You sound very intelligent and you’re obviously honest about what you feel. I often feel the same way.
Instead of thinking about social activity in such extremes (being a mountain-dwelling hermit vs. a giggly bubbly socialite), perhaps you might just learn to be comfortable being yourself. So you’d rather see a movie by yourself – I don’t think that’s something to feel bad about. Some people are extroverts in general, and others are introverts.
I don’t know. At least that’s sort of what my therapist suggests. Or, I could dive into the whole thing about fear of intimacy and insecurity and all that, but I don’t really understand it myself yet.
I just graduated from a relatively elite university and must say that I’ve faced a lot of difficulty “integrating” into the real world. I’ve been conditioned to think critically about everything and sometimes, I’m embarrassed to say, it spins out of control and I begin to wonder if things are “worth the time.” When so many people seem engrossed in the newest reality television series or Gap clothing line, it’s hard to hope that a conversation amongst casual friends might escape such topics. I definitely don’t want to put words in your mouth, but I think the reason why I feel like a loner so much of the time is because I get so sick and tired of people who feel obligated to think and talk about certain things. (Pilates is the new fad?! I think I’m interested in Pilates! Low carb diet!? Let me jump on the bandwagon!) In my opinion, you’re not a cold, callous person; you’re yearning for intimate, deep connections with people, and you’re finding that they take effort and time to form.
Anyway, I hope people don’t jump all over me for sounding like a snob, because I’m just an insecure kid who wants to love and be loved like everybody else.
Welcome aboard, Sat on Cookie. I’m much like you. I don’t have any real female friends, and if it weren’t for my husband, I wouldn’t see our male friends either. My husband is my best friend.
I think I am best off being the loner that I am. I mean, sure, I’d like a nice, soft warm body to snuggle up with on those cold, rainy days (and a wild romp in the sack is a lot of fun, too) and have someone to do fun things with. There are times when I wish I could be married and be a father, doing all the things that only parents get to enjoy with their kids, watching them grow up, etc.
On the other hand, I am quite set in my ways and people I have tried dating have likely found it difficult to adapt to my ways of living even in spite of my efforts to compromise and accommodate their needs and wants. I have also considered the downsides to parenting, and to be honest, I know my lack of patience would probably prove to be my weakness as a parent.
All things considered, I prefer to do most things on my own time and at my own pace without others being around. There are things that I like to do that I could not do as easily if someone else were around me all the time. I already have friends (and family) if I just want to talk to someone or go out and see a movie or go out and have a nice meal someplace. If I am with other people (other than family) I only like to have 1-3 others in my company. I don’t like being among a large group.
I say there’s nothing wrong with being a loner (other than that your neighbors might think you’re “that creepy, quiet guy who rarely leaves his house” as mine must think I am).
I used to be accused of being a hermit. Still am, actually. My reason for not going out more is this…
I (Well, We, including my GF) pay lots of money for my apartment, DSL, digital cable, 2 game consoles, 2 computer systems, and pretty much all the books, CDs, and DVDs we could want. Why would I want to go somewhere and drink overpriced beer when it costs money just having an apartment?
My girlfriend accuses me of being “antisocial” because I don’t enjoy attending gatherings such as happy hours, Christmas Parties, and even family get-togethers (she has a BIG family). Fact is, I’ve never been real comfortable in that kind of social situation…even within my own family. After about half an hour, unless there’s somebody I really click with, I just get bored, and I’m ready to leave. I DO enjoy going to rock concerts and such, and spending time with close friends, so I’m not really a shut-in.
I’m perfectly happy on my own in most cases, and I travel extensively by myself. It’s probably more fun overall to have my girlfriend along on vacations, but she can’t always afford the time off (I’m retired). Am I “antisocial”?? hmmm, I prefer the term “asocial”, if that makes any sense.
I’m kind of a loner of circumstance and stick to it out of habit.
When I was a youngster, I was socially ostracized for being a weirdo. I learned to have fun on my own.
Now, I do like to do things on my own, though having a close friend along does sometimes make it better. I have a lot of eccentricities that some find annoying, and I have no shame in baring said eccentricities. Being with someone who can tolerate my sillinesses and mood swings is a lot more fun, though, than being alone.
'Cause talking to yourself gets old after a while.
It doesn’t have to be one way or the other, but we all have different needs for personal time. I love my family and have a few close friends and many somewhat-close friends. But after I’ve been with any of them for a while, I need to get away. And I take a week or so once a year to go someplace all by myself.
Put me in the ‘natural loner’ club…although actually I spend a lot of time around people, there are very few people who don’t bug me/get bugged by me after a little time in their presence, mostly due to my many and varied unusual habits (mostly martial arts related:)).
I’m often at my happiest being in my own company, unless of course there’s a possibility of getting laid
I used to worry about this. I tried to be outgoing and bubbly so that people would like me and I would fit in the ‘natural’ category of A Sociable Person. Problem is, I’m a terrible actress.
I remember one event in particular; not the details, just the way it affected me. I had gone out to eat with a few friends of mine, and the usual sort of chit-chat was going on. Somewhere in the middle of the meal I thought to myself, “Y’know, this just isn’t fun.” I was sitting there, listening to them chattering about nothing, and I was just too tired to contribute.
Since then I pretty much stay to myself. The majority of my attempts to socialize end up in disappointment, either on my part or someone else’s. What’s the point in being outgoing if you don’t enjoy it? Life’s too short. Be a loner if it makes you happy.
I don’t think you’re a weirdo. I think you’re an introvert. There was a thread about that, recently, too. Not a thing wrong with being an introvert, either, unless it makes your own life more difficult.
Personally, and I know this is weird, while I like being alone almost any other time, I really DISlike eating dinner alone. It’s probably due to always having dinner with my family, when I was growing up. It doesn’t bother me, at all, to eat breakfast or lunch alone. Only dinner. But, I’m not a pure introvert, either, because sometimes I really need to be around people.
Yeah, I’m a loner, but not always by choice. It just seems like every few years I lose all my friends, and get to start over. It’s not like I have that many to lose. I have some online friends now, and I don’t want to lose them, but realistically speaking I probably will. Oh, well.
I have some friends, but a couple I’ve really grown apart from and don’t talk to much anymore. Others are 3,000 miles away, in both directions. I have one friend I used to spend time with who pissed me off enough that she’s no longer a friend(but I haven’t gotten around to telling her yet), and another that I can’t ever think of anything to say in person.
So right now I effectivly have very few friends. It dosen’t really bug me, since I’ve always been more comfortable with fewer then more people around, that and I feel like I’m pressed for time a lot lately, so not having to maintain a social life helps a bit. Even so, I’m not the kind of person who can make friends by just walking up to people and starting a conversation, I have to have a reason to talk to them, like “I want to buy this book/nuclear weapon/monkey/etc”
So I’m a bit of a loner, but lack of people around me is somewhat down my list of concerns.
Hey, Sat On Cookie & welcome. As everyone says, you’re OK. I’m an extrovert & live with the Best Person in the Universe, but still look out of the car window longingly at little houses where I could live with just my dog.
If you’re comfortable with yourself, maybe you don’t need many people. I think a good test is to ask yourself if you’re ever bored. The only time I’m bored is when I’m with boring people & can’t escape.
I used to think of myself as a loner until I tried being really alone once. I lived up a canyon so it wasn’t hard. I lasted but 3 or 4 days before I headed into town for a little interfacing with my fellow human beings. I like to ride my bike alone, so I can go at my own pace. I like to play music alone so I can play whatever I want. I also like doing these things with other people occasionally. I’ve done a lot of traveling alone as well. As long as there’s someone at the end of the line to share my experiences with (my wife 99% of the time) I’m ok being a pseudo-loner. It’s kind of the way I grew up.
I don’t think I’ve made a new ‘true’ friend since the late 80’s, although I’ve met a lot of people I admire and have had good relationships with in the context of whatever construct we were in (work or band).
The thing about shutting people off is that eventually they’ll get the message and leave you alone - totally. This may not necessarily be a good thing.
Oh and you’re not weird. Well, maybe just a little.
