If it is, this isn’t a pity party, just a poll. At my previous place of residence, I commuted to work. I left work at 5:00PM, got home anywhere from 6;10 to 7:30. As I was new to the town I lived in, I didn’t know anybody and was too tired to go out and meet people. Besides, I had a beautiful wife, two great kids, and an anti-social streak.
Fast foward; I’m in a state literally across the country from where I lived. My wife usually works nights, so I’m home taking care of the kids when I get off work. None of my (now former) co-workers live near me, so socializing with them is out of the question. I’ve been at my current job for a week, so I don’t really know my current co-workers. Most of my friends from “the old days” I can’t contact, we knew each other pre-intraweb machine-thingies.
So, Dopers, am I unusual (in this respect?) How many of you have no “IRL” (beyond spouses, S/O’s, or family) friends? I can’t be the only one, can I?
It’s not that easy to make friends once you’re out of high school/college. I don’t have that many friends myself, and many of my friends are via e-mail only - overseas, etc. But I feel the friends I do have are really good friends. Quality over quantity, in other words.
You’re not alone. I have no real friends, either. My best (only?) friend lives in Virginia , I live in Indiana. I have no one I can just call up to go to a movie or shopping.
I never really HAVE had friends; I have led a very sheltered, isolated life.
My dad only hangs out with his brothers and sisters (he is one of eight). He’ll talk to the boys at work, but he sort of thinks they are redneckish and doesn’t hang out with them outside work ever. My mom hangs out with my dad and a friend or two left over from her last job (company - Venture - folded about 7 years ago). She thinks the people that work under her at her new job are stupid and she bitches to me about babysitting them.
Some of my friends’ parents have ton of friends who they hang out with. Some don’t. It’s not weird.
If you’d lived your whole life in one place and didn’t have any friends, something might be amiss. But these days, with people moving often, it’s not unusual. I do have a few extremely close friends, and most of them I’ve known for several years. Being anti-social myself, if I didn’t have my longtime friends, I’d find it very difficult to make as many new ones.
Do you want to make new friends, or are you comfortable the way it is now?
I’d say you’re normal, but if you literally have no friends, as in no old friends or friends that live somewhere else, then I’d say maybe not. Personally I have one friend in my area, a friend in Utah and a friend in Chicago. That’s about it.
I have a lot of distant friends. Some of them are/were close but live far away, and some of them are local, but not close. In fact, I think I spend the most time with my girlfriend’s friends.
I’m introverted, but in my opinion, friends are over-rated. When I was in high school, I used to think they were everything, but now I value independence more.
I came into the thread about to post how I thought that, yes, it was a bit unusual to have not a single friend, but most before me posted the opposite, so apparently, it isn’t unusual at all.
My family was never close, so I developed a good friend base long ago, and have worked to maintain it. They count on me; I count on them. I have lost some old dear friends over the years, but have gained some fabulous new ones. I can’t imagine my life without friends.
But then, I’m not married and don’t have kids, so I’ve WAY more time on my hands. But most of my friends are married with kids, and they manage to find the time to keep our friendship alive, too. It’s a two-way street.
It is actually part of a trend owards less social engagement overall – you should check out the book Bowling Alone for more thoughts on the subject.
As long as you’re not unhappy, it doesn’t matter much (as long as you feel you have an outlet for whatever social impulses you do have). However, if it disturbs you, I’d just suggest doing something with your free time, like taking a class, volunteering or joining a club. You can’t meet new people doing the same old things.
I’m friendly with the people at work. We have a blast in the office and I will occassionally socialize with them outside of work. But no, I don’t have any real friends outside of my family.
It was relatively easy having friends as a kid. Even as a dorky (and I mean really dorky) middle school kid, I had some friends. In high school, I had friends but I didn’t really like them all the time. I realized, for the first time, that I didn’t have to have friends. By the time I was senior, I started being more of a loner and stopped caring what other people said about me.
Now, I’m pretty much a lone wolf in my life. I eat alone, watch movies alone, take long walks alone, go through minor crises alone, go shopping alone. When people invite me places, I often decline because I’m used to being alone and being around people actually stresses me out. But it always amazes people when I tell them how introverted I am. They think that because I can hold up my end of a conversation, I have a lively sense of humor, and I seem interested in my coworkers’ lives (and I sincerely am), that I am a social person. What they don’t understand is that I only have enough energy to be social for part of the day. After 5:00PM, I have to recharge and be intensely inward. This kind of behavior makes keeping friends difficult, I think.
I’ve been here for eight years, and I have one friend, from work. It’s only because we have so much in common, life- and work experience-wise. Most of the other people at work are young enough to be my kids. Next year at this time, I expect they will have been replaced by yet another set of young people, and I’ll never see or hear about any of the current ones again. I don’t really know anybody else. I don’t even know any of my neighbors. I know five or six people in Canada, but I haven’t seen any of them but one, since I moved down here. I talk to him and one other old friend on the phone, once or twice a year. None of them has a computer or wants one, so keeping in touch is out of the question. Honestly, we really don’t have much in common anymore. So I consider myself lucky to have one friend at 47.
It’s hard to make lasting friends when you’re past 30. You can’t hang out like the old days. You can’t just pick up and go somewhere on a whim. You likely have all kinds of commitments, and any potential friend probably does, too, so there is no spontaneous adventure. You have to book an appointment to visit people when you are both free for a couple of hours, and you can’t overstay your welcome.
About the only thing you can do is give your situation at work some time, so you get to know some people there. It’ll happen eventually, and you may make a good friend or two, and some pleasant acquaintances. People who are alike tend to gravitate toward each other, if given the opportunity.
If you have a wife you are crazy about, then you have at least one very good friend. IMHO, folks have certain needs that they need met. Most people need some physical affection, someone (or someones) they feel connected with, someone to hang out with, someone to share some common interests with, someone to share concerns with, someone to turn to in times of trouble. For some folks, these needs are met by a great variety of people, for other folks, these needs are met by maybe a spouse, one or two other close family members, and maybe a person or two from “the outside”. It doesn’t really matter how many people you have meeting your needs, it only matters that your needs are being met.
I vote not unusual, but (hijack) an interesting topic to me.
What makes someone a friend? I know lots of people that I am friendly with, but do not necessarily consider friends.
The people that I work with and/or see in my usual stomping grounds are sort of friends, but not the type of people that I would ask to pick me up at the airport or look after the cats while I was gone.
I know people that I am happy to see again after a long while, but if they were friends why haven’t we seen each other in so long?
Then there are the people that I almost never see or talk to, but I think are my best friends.
Beyond the SO and family… I have none.
The other so-called friends disappeared when Mr Johnson and I got together. They were guy friends who would have happily taken his place.
I haven’t had any female friends since my freshman year of highschool.
I’m very lucky. I have two. I have a few people I can go hang out with from time to time if I want to, but I have two honest to goodness, can trust them to the ends of the earth, can always count on them to be there, true blue friends. Considering how hard friends like that are to come by and that I am generally a loner anyway I find it truly amazing that I have two of them.
I have no friends other then family. I’ve lived here 18 of the past 20 years. I think it’s mostly that I am hermitish and prefer doing things alone. I never invite people to do things with me. I asked my parents to stop having birthday parties for me when I was 6 years old. Getting to and from high school (4+ years) was an 1 1/2 long bus ride each way. I also spent most of the last decade taking care of an elderly shut-in which made me practically a shut-in as well.
I don’t really care too much. I think I might like friends but haven’t really thought about it. If I did want to I’d join some sort of club. It’s weird to see so many personal ads looking for friends so it must be common enough.
I think the people most concerned about it are my family though. For me it’s just the way I am.
I have two great friends - my husband, and my (male) best friend who I see every few weeks or so.
I’m friendly with the guys I work with, but I wouldn’t call them friends. I socialise when there’s team activities on, but otherwise I wouldn’t just pop 'round to any of their houses and have a drink or anything.
I suppose my mum is my friend, in a way. We’ll go shopping or out to the beach together from time to time, but I’ll often go a few months where our only contact is via email.
Working a shift roster makes it hard to get out and do hobby-ish things, and I guess I’ve become resigned, and I suppose happy with the way I live. I don’t like people anyway.
I only have one real friend, and we’ve been close since elementary school.
I’ve had many friends come and go, but she and I have stuck together through everything.
