Short version: We know a couple who are more-than-acquaintances/not-quite-friends (we like and respect each other, but live in different towns; we stop in for a short visit whenever we’re in town). There was a sudden and unexpected death of the brother of one of them; said brother was young-ish (50’s), lived across the country and had a family of his own.
We’re going to see them and don’t want to show up at their door empty handed. I have a card that I’m going to hand deliver, and want to have a token something “extra” to hand them with the card.
My first thought is that food is out, just because she’s a very good cook; they are fairly well-off financially, they are shocked and grieving, but I just don’t think they’re needing someone to prepare meals to make their lives easier. Even if they did, I’d feel like my culinary skills just wouldn’t be that great.
Does anyone have any other ideas that may be a bit more helpful and/or meaningful to provide to adults in a time of grieving?
Right now if I don’t come up with anything else, I’m going to go with a simple peace lily; I believe it’s tasteful and provides a nice remembrance around the house. Flowers and other planty-things in the wake of a death always strike me as just falling a bit short, though. I know there’s no perfect thing here that will erase the pain, but I’d like to offer something that may be a little more of a personal touch.
+1.
They may or may not want stuff, but a donation accomplishes what you want to do, which is say ‘I am thinking of you at this difficult time.’ You might want to ask if he had several favorite charities, in case his absolute favorite is one to which you are ideologically opposed.
I think the peace lily would be a nice way to go, but I love flowers and I love having them around me in the house.
(Gila, I’m having a surreal moment posting here, looking at your post there and watching you on tv on “Jeopardy” at the same time. What a strange, interconnected world we live in! )
Thanks for the suggestions… I really, really like the charity idea, and yes it’s doable for me to ask if he had a favorite; it was exactly the sort of suggestion I was looking for. I think I’ll do the peace lily when I see them, and ask about the charity and follow up with that.
Having been through the whole grieving process, the giving of flowers when someone dies now strikes me as one of the most inexplicable traditions I know of. You get to watch them die too and then have the pleasure of throwing them away.
Ever since my experience I have given people a living bush or tree for the garden with the wish that whenever they look at it they will get some of the pleasure they received looking at their loved one.
Another excellent suggestion… this particular person also happens to be an accomplished gardner, so the idea of something that can be planted outdoors is a nice improvement on the traditional flowers. Thank you all for the ideas!
I’d probably still consider bringing by some light food, maybe something from a local bakery, like muffins or a coffeecake. It’s something they can eat if they need a snack, or put out for visitors, or bring to another house where people are gathering. When my grandmother died some neighbors brought baked goods by her house, they were snacks for whoever was passing through while my parents were staying there. They served the purpose of flowers in that were nice gifts to put on the kitchen table, but they got eaten up instead of tossed out.
Yeah, food always serves a purpose whether the grieving can cook or not. Because then isn’t the time they’ll want to be spending in the kitchen when they’d rather be comforted among their loved ones and guests.
)