Do you know any Jokes about the Middle East?

Here’s one.

An American who was familiar with Kuwait, visited it after the War.
He noticed that whereas, before the war, women dutifully followed their husband, after the war, the men followed their wives.
He thought this was a hopeful sign for female equality and asked a Kuwaiti why the change had come about.
The answer was,

“L A N D M I N E S!”

were puzzled as they tried to figure out how to cross a dangerous body of water with vicious fish in it. The turtle realized he could swim across but could not defend himself; the scorpion realized he could use his stinger to defend himself, but could not swim.
They decided that they could make it together, with the scorpion riding on the turtle’s back.
Sure enough, this worked - with the scorpion fending off predators and the turtle swimmining.
All went well until about 60% across, when the scorpion stung the turtle and injected some venomous fluid in a soft spot.
The turtle was stunned and said as he was losing consciousness, “We had it made. Why did you sting me? Now we’ll both die!”

“Oh,” answered the scorpion.

“Because we’re in the Midle East!”

The General Question is “Do I know any jokes about the Middle East.”

The answer is “Yes.”

George Bush visits Mullah Mohammed Omar (taliban leader) in his palace in Afghanistan to negotiate a truce. They are both talking when Omar pushes a button and a fist pops out of the desk (cartoon style, think bugs bunny) and hits Dubya in the face. And Mohammed is laughing his head off. Bush ignores this and continues talking, but soon after Omar pushes another button and a boot appears and kicks the Leader of the Free World in the shins. He decides to ignore this insult too, and continues talking. And you guessed it, another button is pushed and this time Bush gets hit below the belt. And he’s ticked. “I’m leaving, we can discuss this at my place.” And Mohammed Omar comes to W DC to finish the negotiations. As he sits down he notices three buttons on the desk. A few minutes into the negotiations Dubya pushes the first button. Mohammed Omar ducks, but nothing happens. And Goerge Bush starts laughing. Later, when the second button is pushed, Omar moves his feet out of the way. But still nothing. And Bush laughs harder. But the Taliban leader is not amused, and he continues to negotiate. As Bush pushes the third button Mullah Mohammed Omar jumps up in his seat, but nothing happens again. George is rolling of the floor, laughing his a** off. But Omar doesn’t sit back down. “This is an OUTRAGE!” he says, “I"M GOING BACK TO AFGHANISTAN!” And bush replys: “What Afghanistan?”

One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.

First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, “I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you.”

The Englishman said, “My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don’t even have a house at all. It’s not fair! I’m just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel’s.”

The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, “My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don’t have a wife at all. It’s not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre’s.”

The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, “My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don’t have a car at all. It’s not fair! I’m just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty’s.”

The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, “My cousin Kenji has a high-paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can’t find a job at all. It’s not fair! I’m as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji’s.”

The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.

Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd, “My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don’t have any goats at all. It’s not fair! I’m just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?”

The genie smiled and said, “So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?”

The Arab snarled, “Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul’s goats!”

Please read the forum descriptions.

General Questions is for questions that have factual answers. MPSIMS is for Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share.

I’ll move this to MPSIMS for you.

DrMatrix - General Questions Moderator

Hisham has lost his way and is crawling through Ar-Rub Al-Khali, desperately seeking for water under the hot sun. Almost at the end of his forces, he sees a man approaching carrying a large bag. “I’ve been rescued” thinks Hisham, and when the other person draws near, he gathers his strength to raise himself and cry for help. The other person rushes up and Hisham begs him for some water. “I’m sorry” says the other, “I don’t have any water, but I have this!” and he opens the bag and shows a magnificent assortment of ties. “Would you like to purchase a silk tie?”

Hisham is flabbergasted. “I’m dying from thirst and all you want to do is sell me a tie? What kind of a person are you?” The travelling salesman shrugs and says “Sorry.” And walks away.

Hisham’s determination is now doubled by his frustration and anger. He continues his slow trek, until he sees a large building in the distance. Using his last ounces of energy, he breaks into a run and collapses at the front door, through which he sees a magnificent private gentleman’s club with swimming pool, restaurant, bathhouse, etc. As he crosses the threshhold, however, a supercilious doorman bars his way and informs him “I regret, sir, but we cannot admit you unless you are wearing a tie.”

A Texan is visiting Israel and is surprised at how small the country is. He says to an Israeli, “I’ve had days that I could start out in the morning at one end of my ranch, drive all day, and by nightfall still not be at the other end.” The Israeli replied, “Yeah, I’ve got a car like that too.”

Golda Meir liked to quip that it took God 40 years to lead Moses through the desert to the ONLY place in the Middle East with no oil.

My wife tells this joke… It’s the only one she knows.
To understand this joke, you have to know the dynamics from which it springs.
My wife, before she became such, lived in the south of France for quite a while. There seems to be an inordinately high number of Arab men living there, also.

and know, on with the humor…
Q-Why did Mitterand receive the Nobel Peace Prize?
A-because France is the only Arab nation not at war!
:stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

Thankyouverymuch. You’re a great audience. I’ll be here all week. Try the pork, it’s fantastic! Don’t forget to tip your server.

This is from an old Letterman top ten list
(Top 10 Bumper Stickers in Iran).

“If you aren’t Muslim, you ain’t Shi’ite.”

Why did the Middle East wear red suspenders?


A journalist is taking a survey in different countries. He comes to the United States and asks an American, “Excuse me sir, what’s your opinion regarding the worldwide meat shortage?”

The American says, “What’s a shortage?”

He then goes to India, where he asks an Indian, “Excuse me sir, what’s your opinion regarding the worldwide meat shortage?”

The Indian responds, “What’s meat?”

He then travels to Cuba, where he asks a Cuban, “Excuse me sir, what’s your opinion regarding the worldwide meat shortage?”

The Cuban responds “What’s an opinion?”

Finally, he goes to Israel. He asks an Israeli, “Excuse me sir, what’s your opinion regarding the worldwide meat shortage?”

And the Israeli asks, “What’s ‘Excuse me’?”

Chaim Mattis Keller

After meeting business end of a “Daisy Cutter,” Osama bin Laden made his way to the Pearly Gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the Gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

Real mideast wonks will get this one:

A guy walks into a police station in Beirut, saying “Help! A Swiss soldier stole my Syrian watch!”

An officer asks: "Don’t you mean a Syrian soldier stole your Swiss watch?

To which the man replies, “Hey, buddy, you said it, not me!”

After Powell’s failure at getting a cease fire, in a last ditch effort the administration decides to send in the “heavy” artillery. With that, they fly W to Israel for a state visit and some arm twisting. Upon taking the obligatory tour of the Western Wall, George Bush comes face to face with the father of Israel, Moses himself.

Moses looks into the eyes of the President, and turns away.

“Moses, there’s no reason to ignore me, I mean no harm to the Jewish people…I’ve come to forge a peace deal”

It’s not that Mr President", replied Moses, “It’s just the last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!”

[/tinny cymbal crash]

A Lebanese guy I worked with once told me this one.

There were these two Syrians at a checkpoint. It’s late, and one says to the other, “I feel like a smoke. Go out and confiscate us some cigarrettes.”

So the second guy comes back with cigarrettes. But no matches. “You idiot!” says the first Syrian. “How can we smoke these without matches! Confiscate some matches from the next car.”

The second Syrian comes back empty-handed. “Sorry,” he says, “they only had a lighter, no matches.”

“You fool! You should have confiscated the lighter! Try the next car!”

The next car comes, and again the second guy has nothing. “They had matches, but no lighter.”

The first Syrian is completely disgusted. “I’m sick of this. You’re a complete idiot, and it’s obvious I won’t get my smoke tonight. I’m going to take a nap. Get out of here, and blow out that candle on your way.”
My only other vaguely middle eastern joke (from the same source):

A man is lost in the desert with a camel. He has plenty of water and food, but he’s lost for days and days, and is feeling a bit deprived, sexually. He finally decides the camel is the way to take care of this. But the camel is too tall. So he stacks all his stuff up behind the camel, and just as he climbs up, the camel walks forward.

He keeps doing this, following the camel across the desert this way. One day, he sees a beautiful naked woman passed out in the sand. He goes over to her, revives her and gives her water. “Oh, sir, you’ve saved my life. I’m so grateful, I’ll do absolutely anything.”

The man says, “Great! Here, hold the camel.”

Awesome. I was laughing for minutes after I read this one. (Yes, I realize how…ah, simple, the joke was…but I literally couldn’t stop. I’m SO sophisticated.)

OxyMoron- I think I’ve heard that one…about the watch. Thomas Friedman mentions it in his book, From Beirut to Jerusalem? For once I wasn’t whooshed. :slight_smile:

Why can’t you circumcize the Taliban?
Because there’e no end to those pricks.
A genie goes to Afghanistan and talks to a Taliban leader. He offers the Taliban one wish. “I want a wall,” said the Taliban, “One thousand feet high to keep the infidels out of the country and to keep the faithful in.” It was done.

Next the genie visits Duhbya and offers him a wish. “What did the Taliban get?” asks Bush. The genie tells him he gave the Taliban a thousand-foot impregnable wall around the entire country, then asks Bush for his wish. Bush says, “Fill it to the brim with water.”
Here’s an old one. It requires a handheld calculator. 142 Arabs (enter 142), 154 Israelis (enter 154), and 69 Americans (enter 69 – the calculator’s display should show 14215469) get into a fight for five days (multiply by 5). Who wins? (enter/equals). Invert the calculator for the answer.

What’s the good thing about sex in Jerusalem?

You never know who will blow first.