Do you need to get in shape but can't afford a spa membership?

Well then friends, I’ve got just the thing for you. Come on down to The Work Farm™ and all your troubles will be solved.

The Work Farm™ is 10 acres of rough, untouched, overgrown land located in the heart of the Midwest. There is a lovely limestone lined creek complete with waterfall and fishin’ hole running parallel with the road and a lovely 36 hole Golf Coarse in the rear. Everything between the two is covered with trees,brush,rocks and rubble except for a roughly 50 foot wide area surrounding the house.

Friends this is where you come in. I help you get in shape, You help me get the land in shape. For every simulated activity you can do at the health spa you can do the REAL THING HERE.

Bench presses- bah try pressing Big Ass Logs© for a while

Rowing- Swinging a scythe really works those lats and obliques.

StairClimber–We’ve got a dozen uphill trails covered with brush.

Free weights–What do you think all those rocks are?

For those needing a creative outlet we have over 200 feet of planting beds surrounding the house that need landscaped as well as koi ponds to be dug, roses to be planted, deck enclosures to be planned…why the list is endless.You are limited only by your imagination.

But you say “What about pampering?”
I’m glad you asked cause we’ve got it all.

Whirlpool–See waterfall in the fishin’ hole.

Bathing facilities–See above.

Aerobics-Oh you’ll get plenty of cardiovascular running from the snakes–only a few of which are poisonous. Which ones you say? I * could * tell you but it would spoil the fun. :wink:

Aromatherapy-What with the dogs, horse droppings and goats next door, it’s aromatic as hell baby.

Beverages- We offer a choice of 2 no-cal house specialities either from the hose or if you wish you can pump it yourself. For added yummy goodness the pump is located within 50 feet of the septic system. Remember just because it’s labeled “For agricultural use only” doesn’t mean there’s a law against drinking it.

Food–As much as you can plow, plant, water, grow, harvest, cook and eat.

What’s that you say? It sounds too good to be true. Well it is. :wink: I guarantee you’ve never had this kind of “fun” before. Come on—What have * you * got to lose?

I could be there in an hour…

Ok I really need to get out of the city.

Ok I’ve got my first two vict—er I mean volunteers.

Now don’t think this offer is limited only to those of you wanting to get in shape.

** Parents **Do you have an unruly teen giving you grief? Well it’s hard to get in much trouble when you are totally exhausted from digging fence posts all day.

Corrections officers–Do you have an inmate who says" I’m gonna go crazy if I have to look at the inside of this cell one—more—minute". Well, there are three barns located on the property. The Pig Barn could easily be converted to an inmate confinement facility. It has footers 4 feet deep to discourage tunneling under, four stalls and all the pig shit you can shovel. I always say–there’s nothing like a little fresh air and hard physical labor to make the inside of that cell look pretty damn good.

** Treasure hunters and archeologists ** We are located in the middle of old Miami and Shawnee territory and several Native American artifacts have been found on the property as well, such as arrowheads, a stone hammer head and much much more. There is an ancient signal mound not more than 5 miles from here if you wish to take a side trip— after you’ve put in a full day’s work here of course.

There are just too many other features to list in this small space. Friends come on down to The Work Farm™. I guarantee it can change your life. It sure changed mine.

Back from the Work Farm with a status report:

Wheeh! What a workout! I’m sure that I worked off hundreds of calories, and that’s great…however…there are some things you should know.

First of all, the next time I go, Mermaid is going to have to chain up her dog. This excitable beast followed me around all afternoon and couldn’t resist sniffing my crotch every five minutes…that wasn’t the worst though…he tried to hump my leg twice. I don’t recall that being mentioned in the brochure.

Secondly, I cut my finger on one of those jagged rocks. It wasn’t a bad cut, but still, there was a lot of blood. When I asked for a bandage or a first aid kit, I was told that until the March budget gets approved, there won’t be anything like that. Instead, Mermaid gave me a wad of toilet paper and two strips of generic scotch tape.

Thirdly, I worked hard. I was hungry. I know that food wasn’t a part of the deal, but I thought it was rude for her and her husband to grill those 23 ounce porterhouses right in front of me.

Fourthly, the water tasted funny…and I think I feel a case of the runs coming on. I’ll bring my own bottled water next time.

All in all though, it was exactly the hell that she promised. I’ll go back, and when I do, I’ll return to these boards with another installment.

Till then,

I’m terribly sorry to hear you found your visit exactly as described. What was I thinking? I will address your concerns point by point.

  1. Oh come on now, How could anybody not love Bucky baby. He’s just a big ol’ hunk of puppy love after all. Besides, He only does that to really facinating people or guys with a salami in their pants. Which one are you?

  2. I * did * provide first aid didn’t I?

  3. Food was addressed as well remember? You just need to be a little more patient.

“Food–As much as you can plow, plant, water, grow, harvest, cook and eat.”
4. The water tastes fine to me.

  1. I prefer not to think of it as hell, more like a diamond in the rough.

I think you got exactly what you paid for. Come back soon ya hear? :smiley: