I’m currently under a lot of stress and one way I deal with it- or I won’t even say deal with it- one side effect of stress to me- is that things which would ordinarily bother me to a low-grade but extremely manageable degree become borderline obsessions. Sometimes they cross the border. My theory as a practicing non-psychologist is that at such times the C-List issues I obsess on serve as sieves to siphon off the emotion of the A-List issues and thus allow me to deal with the important stuff objectively and rationally while delegating irration to the minor things.
Or maybe not, but the point is I’m just really frigging pissed at this guy I dated a year ago. He’s brilliant and sexy- heapin’ helpin’s of both- but I would never use the word nice or any of its synonyms to describe him. He used me- I let him, at least to a degree, but long after the sex and in the “let’s just be friends” phase he would ask me for major favors, I’d do them, and then without even saying “Thank you” he dropped me from his life. There was no big showdown or break-up, just a “see ya”. He wouldn’t respond to e-mails, calls or the like. He was one of the few people in my life that I confidentially told I was about to be tested to determine whether or not I had a debilitating and degenerative genetic neurological condition (I didn’t even tell me my family or my closest friends) he never once called to check on me while I was in the hospital or even to ask what the f*cking results were. Pissed me off to no end. (And I tested negative for the condition.)
I did him far more favors than he did me and he got WAY more out of the relationship than I did but I let it happen. For what it’s worth I’ve learned he’s done the same to others- I just honestly don’t think he’s capable of an emotional connection to another person. So, wah wah wah, cheeze with whine, etc.- I dated/befriended a guy who basically used me. To quote Lazarus Long “You live, you learn, or you don’t live long”. But here’s what really f*cking bothers me- I CAN’T JUST LET IT GO.
Yes, he was not a nice guy. Yes, I fell for a total self absorbed jackass because he was/is brilliant and he was/is really good looking (and in that order). It sucks but it didn’t deplete my bank account or wreck my car or break my leg. But the lack of closure is currently driving me nuts (which admittedly is about $8 by cab, but still…). I don’t want to do him violence but I would like to chew his ass out up one side and down the other, and I haven’t even seen him in almost a year, but I’m just frigging obsessing over it. The thing is that I know perfectly well (or at least everything would indicate) that he would not be the slightest bit affected by it (see “emotional connection, lack of”) as I honestly don’t think he has the necessary empathy to understand or remotely care that he did anything wrong.
So, the lack of closure is currently obsessing me even though it’s been many months (most of which passed with rarely a thought about the asshole). It’s not the first closure-less relationship I’ve had (to be precise it’s the second, but the circumstances and the timing of the last one were far removed. (If there’s a lesson to be learned by me it’s the whole “trust your instincts” thing- don’t rationalize your feelings for somebody by saying “he’s brilliant and sexy so he must be nice as well” when there’s no reason to think so, and also that “nice” is the last thing to be willing to forego in a relationship.)
So does anybody else obsess over exes or the lack of closure in a relationship? Any suggestions on how to just kill it or let it die (the obsession I mean, not the ex, which while viscerally satisfying would probably violate a law or two)? Ever been furious at somebody who you knew didn’t care less? How did or do you deal with it?