I’ve run across several cases in just the past two weeks, and I wonder if it’s a growing trend.
In brief, the sibling who haven’t (yet?) had children are feeling resentful that it seems their parents regard the siblings who have children as, well, more adult, more responsible, more worthy of help, overall as more valued.
They point to things like the parents expecting them to provide financial help to their siblings (You don’t understand how expensive children are/You don’t have the same financial demands/Why are you taking an extra trip when sibling can barely afford music lessons for little Joey?) or offer time/physical help like babysitting or even taking on full time care of the kids so the parents can get away for a weekend or whatever.
In one case, someone was griping that her parents had just rewritten their will. It had always been they treated their three children the same, even though one of children had a high-paying job while the other two were more lower-middle class. Now the only child who doesn’t have children is being left some token physical items (Grandma’s wedding ring, stuff like that) while the pair that do have children are slated to split the house/savings/etc evenly – even though one of them is the ‘rich’ kid. It’s sort of hard to see this as anything other than “you didn’t give us grandchildren, nothing for you.”
A third case: a friend’s parents has suggested a joint family vacation. He is single, no kids. Both his sisters are married, one has twins and the other three kids. His parents suggestion was that they rent a largish house in Jamaica for them all to share for two weeks. Which sounded okay at first, until they specified that since “four families” would be sharing the accommodations, all costs for the house and groceries and daily expenses would be paid out of a common pot, and that each ‘family’ would be expected to contribute to equally. Also there would be an assigned rotation to assure childcare and household duties would be split ‘equally.’ IOW, there would be ‘families’ of 2 (grandparents) 1 (single friend) 4 and 5 people – and he would be expected to foot the same bills and physical work as the others, despite causing relatively less of the costs/labor. IOW, he says, they expect me to pay them to feed and house and tend their children/mates, and call it a vacation?
So, do you all see a similar friction going on around you?
Mrs. Homie and I never had kids, and my siblings (with kids) were all just fine with it. There was zero resentment or anything like that. I love my niblings to pieces. My mom was sad and disappointed that Mrs. H and I couldn’t have kids and decided not to adopt (not in a “you let me down” kind of way, just in a “aw, so sad for you guys” kind of way). Nevertheless, when Christmas came she gave each couple an equal amount, and when she died, the inheritance was spilt equally.
I inherited most of my Daddy’s assets.
Mainly because my very busy and out of state siblings didn’t wanna bother with dealing with his rental properties and all his bookies and women friends.
It was a right mess. But I got it done.
I kept most of the cash after selling his houses. I offered but no one wanted the hassle.
We never were a money hungry bunch. Everyone had good jobs. So it was not an issue.
I do know a couple whose Mother preferred the Brothers children and not theirs. Their kids were not provided anything in her will. The Brothers kid got a modest trust fund. Which he promptly wasted(they say) at age 18.
Over the course of my life I’ve known of a few such families. So my lifetime total is only going up. But IMO/IME they’re not getting more common or frequent now.
In our family we have five siblings with kids and one without. The one without calls himself “child free” and is constantly taking potshots at the rest of us and dressing down my mother for favoring the “breeders” because they are the ones with grandchildren.
There was a time when he asked my parents to fly halfway across the country to housesit for them so that they didn’t have to board their cats. This caused some sharp words between him and my sister (who had kids at the time and we didn’t) and they’ve never really patched up that rift.
He is friendly with one of my nephews, they both are deal better with computers and animals than with people. But he has no contact with any other niblings
I haven’t experienced this. I recently had a relative who left very different amounts to a set of cousins. The cousins who were given more promptly had it redistributed more evenly.
My twins are an interesting case study. Twin A got married years before Tin B and now has a five year old daughter. Twin B dotes on his niece and understands that my wife and I are going to lavish her with gifts.
Of course this could all change now that B’s wife is pregnant, but I suspect the twins have enough sibling rivalry in other areas that it won’t be a big problem.
My kids get along great. There’s a recurring argument about shampoo usage upstairs.
My son dotes on and loves his 3 sisters.
Up and until they are playing Scrabble.
Them niblings can fight like drunk monkeys over a word challenge.
(Ok, I looked. Nibling is an actual gender neutral term for niece or nephew. I like it. Learned a new thing)
How would it be a “growing trend”? You’re just seeing people who are now in the age bracket where some have kids and some don’t. It’s always been this way. You’ve just never noticed.
I was sort of thinking it could be due to the current economic conditions. I think there are more people living closer to the bone, and having/raising children is very expensive. I can see the parent generation feeling that the childfree child(ren) “ought” to lend a hand to the ones with kids, whether helping with bills (like they have higher rent cost due to needing more space), the simple cost of food and clothing, providing “respite care”, and so on. While, of course, the childfree ones can be thinking along the lines, "I’m the one who decided not to have kids at least partially because of the expenses., so why am I stuck paying for child care anyway?
Hmm, my siblings have no children, as do I. My BIL has two children, who are definitely a money sponge (all children are). My FIL probably devotes more cash to them than my wife and I. But friction because of that? Nope, not at all. The kids need money more than we do, and we’re more well off than my BIL’s immediate family. We do dote on our niblings (yep, just learned that word today), but sometimes even we have the resolve to say “no”.
Let’s see… I’m in my 60’s and I’ve seen families do that sort of thing all my life. Maybe you’re just now noticing it?
On the other hand, other families don’t do this - my spouse and I never had children but when my parents passed away the inheritance (such as it was - there wasn’t a lot) was split evenly among the surviving siblings without regard to who did or didn’t have children. But families like that aren’t as “noisy” so you aren’t as likely to notice them?
Anecdote only: My ex-wife and I never had children. My sister did.
My father: “Well, I guess the piano goes to your sister, because she has kids, and she will want to give them piano lessons.”
Me: “Dad, Sis hated playing piano. She cares nothing about playing music. That’s my piano, how many times did I take you up on ‘play piano or do dishes’ after dinner? I preferred to play piano instead of doing dishes, and I entertained you while you did dishes. Sis hated piano. What does that tell you? That Sis does not deserve my piano.”
Yes, I said, “my piano.” Because I regarded it as mine.
In the end, I got my piano. Sis’s kids had no interest in music. I doubt that they can read a note of music. Point is, that “your sister has kids and she will want them to learn music” is not necessarily so. Well, not if Sis had any interest in music to begin with. Which she does not.
I haven’t seen this, but it may be due to unique, overriding causes.
The majority of my parents’ financial and other support has been directed to my handicapped sister. This has been true since we were small children, and I’ve honestly never felt slighted or that it was unfair. She simply can’t manage or do the things I can, and this help is necessary.
It if matters, we’re the ones with kids - sibling is medically unable to have children.
My mom gives my brother a monthly stipend for groceries, because he has kids and needs it. It’s a pretty hefty sum. I’m jealous but also I am sympathetic. My mom would give me money if I needed it, I just haven’t needed it yet.
There IS a growing trend of people having to take care of their kids financially, longer than 18 years. And now it’s more when the kids have kids. But that’s because capitalism.
I don’t see ‘friction,’ but I think there’s some favoritism with my wife’s family. She’s the only one without offspring and the only adoptee. When one of her nieces got married a while back and they got together for a group family photo, they called out a very, very detailed list of family members to stand for the pic. Her name was omitted, but all the other aunts and uncles (bio and by marriage) and their kids were all called.
Also, at one time her mother was giving my wife and her siblings some money every year due to having to withdraw an RMD. She’s not a big spender and doesn’t have much in the way of bills and no debt, so she had to do ‘something’ with her RMD amount. I don’t know whether her siblings are still gettin any money, but my wife hasn’t gotten any in years.
That’s real cold sounding. I’m sorry your wife is dealing with that.
General aside about RMDs, taxes, etc. …
Just because you’re required to withdraw an RMD amount from your IRA does not mean you’re obligated to spend that money or give it away. You can deposit it right into your other non-tax-advantaged investment account or savings account or whatever just was well.
I’m not old enough to have RMDs yet. But between my retirement date and the onset of RMDs I’m doing tax rate harvesting by choosing to pull money from my IRA each year. The shares, not even cash, just move directly from my IRA account to my non-IRA account.
