My friends and I (both male and female) know enough to say, “Don’t tell your SO,” if we don’t want him/her to know about it.
If those magic words aren’t said, then I will tell my SO…but of course that assumes I even will remember it longer than 5 minutes (I have a tendency to forget other people’s deep dark secrets-probably why they use me for a sounding board).
My wife and I share all information. Tell me and you’re telling her and vice versa.
We both are extremely circumspect, so it’s not a problem.
For gossipy things, I like to know up front that there’s a “don’t tell anyone” policy so that I can agree to it beforehand (or demure from the conversation entirely), but for issues that are more serious, I keep them to myself without any hesitation. Especially medical things – HIPAA comes into play at my job, so my mindset about medical issues is CONFIDENTIAL, even for spouses.
[QUOTE=WhyNot]
“Can I tell you something in confidence?”
“Sure, except from my husband. If I can’t tell him, I’d rather you not tell me. It’s just a thing, I’m sure you understand.”
[/QUOTE]
This is the right answer, I think. “I tell my partner everything; I have no secrets from him/her. It won’t go any further than that, though. Are you sure you still want to tell me?”
I think I get the same thrill from keeping secrets that other people do from gossipping. I am also one of those people that other people, especially women, decide to unload the deepest, darkest things on. I would never tell my wife if it was anything consequential nor would I tell anyone else. I have secrets of my own that I would never tell anyone. I broke that rule a couple of times when I was encouraged to and other family members betrayed me. It caused quite a rift and people that know me now know that blabbing about anything is forbidden. No, absolutely not. I would never tell just because it is against my nature.
Your GF expected you to tell her a secret despite her being notorious for being unable to keep secrets, and then she got angry at you for not telling her your cousin’s secret? This strikes me as unfair and immature. A person has to demonstrate trustworthiness; they can’t just demand or expect it.
I have a SO and I tell him pretty much everything. But if I was asked by someone to keep something secret, I’d keep it a secret unless it was life-threatening, illegal, or my business.
Well, it seems to me there is a big different between “keeping secrets” from your SO and reporting back to him or her everything everyone tells you. If my sister tells me something in confidence (and she does often), I don’t feel I’m betraying my husband to not turn around and tell him. Why is it any of his business if she’s looking for a new job or thinking of moving in with her boyfriend or whatever?
I don’t think it was any of Chao’s SO’s business what his cousin did on her wild weekend. Why does she feel she “deserved” to be told? I don’t get it.
[QUOTE=AudreyK]
I have a SO and I tell him pretty much everything. But if I was asked by someone to keep something secret, I’d keep it a secret unless it was life-threatening, illegal, or my business.
[/QUOTE]
That’s where I stand, as well. I tell him everything but personal secrets, and those I have no trouble keeping to myself. I like it when I can tell him things, though, and get his perspective. It’s often so different from mine.
An anecdote which is somewhat relevant, although it only concerns me as a bystander.
I was in a Bible Study through my church. Also in said Bible study were “John” and “Sue” (a married couple) and “Bill” and “Mary” (Another married couple) and “Stephanie”.
Mary worked as the church secretary, and as such was privy to a lot of sensitive information–sometimes confidential, sometimes just sensitive. On this occasion, Mary knew about something which had happend which concerned John and Sue, and told Bill about it.
Bill then told our Bible Study. I think he hadn’t thought things through all the way, because he asked that we pray for John and Sue’s family. Mary kicked him under the table (metaphorically if not in fact). Stephanie then became very curious about what had happened. We were assured that John was fine, Sue was fine, no divorce was in progress, but something had happened which made praying for their family a good idea. Stephanie was not satisfied with this explanation. Mary was still pissed with Bill because she’d told him in confidence–and just knowing that prayer was desirable told us information that was sensitive–not intended for public knowledge.
I found out (through another source and without prying) later that evening that Sue had had a miscarriage. It was early, most folk didn’t know Sue was even pregnant so they were trying to tell only those who knew about the pregnancy about the miscarriage.
Stephanie didn’t find out for at least 6 months (or else she found out and forgot again) when John casually mentioned something which had happened which they had hoped was caused by the pregnancy, but probably not. I almost had to laugh–at Stephanie mostly.
Now whether the guy should have announced the need for prayer, or whether the church secretary just shouldn’t have told him (or at least waited until later in the evening) is hard to know at this point.(I gathered at the time that she did not routinely report sensitive information to him). But I tend to agree with others that as a general rule, you can tell your SO every secret, no secrets or someplace in the middle. You just need to convey to the SO what your rules are and why–and convey them to those wishing to tell you secrets so that they can decide whether the secret is one that your SO can know or one that only you should know or one that should be kept for another confidant.
I have to side with you on this. You shouldn’t keep secrets about you from her. But if someone tells you something in confidence, well then it’s in confidence. Why would she even need to be privy to this bit of information? It sounds like she was just jealous that she missed out on a juicy piece of gossip and is now crying sour grapes. I’m sorry she can’t appreciate your integrity. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure she’s a great person, but I think she’s in the wrong in this instance.
I share all my secrets with my husband. I don’t share anyone else’s secrets with him. He respects this and practices it himself, although I’ve discovered that our friends automatically assume we’ll tell each other and they’re often surprised that one of us doesn’t know something they’ve told the other.
[QUOTE=Eureka]
Mary worked as the church secretary, and as such was privy to a lot of sensitive information–sometimes confidential, sometimes just sensitive. On this occasion, Mary knew about something which had happend which concerned John and Sue, and told Bill about it.
Bill then told our Bible Study.
[/QUOTE]
This is a high-irritation factor for me. There is a certain subset of Christians who gossip shamelessly under the guise of sharing prayer requests. It doesn’t sound like it was the case here, and most Christians I know aren’t that way, but it does happen. It really frosts my cookies.
What was the question again? Oh, yes …
I will keep someone else’s secret from my husband if requested to do so. This has happened once, and I wasn’t nuts about it, but there was a good reason. I was later able, with the person’s permission, to tell him. I don’t keep anything else from him, although sometimes if I forget to tell him something. I would not be offended if, under similar circumstances, he did not tell me someone else’s secret. In fact, if he had promised to tell no one, I would be disappointed in him if he did not keep his word. People who say, “I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but …” make me very very nervous.
However, I do not tell anyone anything with the expectation that they will keep it from their spouse (or SO, I guess – nearly everyone I know is married). I think in many cases it wouldn’t be kept secret, and in the others, it isn’t fair to ask someone to do that, unless there is a very good reason. So far, I’ve never had a reason good enough.
[QUOTE=StuffLikeThatThere]
This is a high-irritation factor for me. There is a certain subset of Christians who gossip shamelessly under the guise of sharing prayer requests. It doesn’t sound like it was the case here, and most Christians I know aren’t that way, but it does happen. It really frosts my cookies.
[/QUOTE]
That is absolutely right. Good christians don’t gossip. They share concerns. Ugh, I’ve met way too many people that seem to truly believe that to be ok.
If something is told in confidence, I don’t tell anyone anythiing. I expect the same in return.
What I know, my sweetie knows. It is in confidence between the two of us.
What I’ve learned from this thread is that, when you ask someone
“Can you keep this this confidential?” you need to spell out what “confidential” means to you: i.e., that it will kept to oneself, not to oneself plus spouse.
Now, my question is, to those who share things with SOs, what do you do if the asker spells out “NOT to your SO, not to anyone, understood?” Do you lie, and say OK and tell the SO anyway? Do you say “I can’t do that, so don’t tell me”? Or can you do it, exactly as requested?
[QUOTE=Pochacco]
My wife and I share all information. Tell me and you’re telling her and vice versa.
[/QUOTE]
I agree. Ivylad and I are a unit. I don’t keep secrets from him.
If someone tells me a confidence, I do NOT share it with my wife unless I have received permission to do so. She’s the same with confidences told to her.
I really don’t like the assumption that something confided to one of us will end up in the knowledge of the other - people have sometimes said “oh, I told mrs jjimm, I thought you’d already know that”. No. You share a secret with mrs jjimm, and it’s still a secret. Unlike others in this thread, I consider us a partnership, not a unit.
Because of this habit in other people, I usually specify “don’t even share this with [your partner]” when I’m sharing a confidence of my own with a friend. I’m now interested to find out if I can trust this request.
[QUOTE=pseudotriton ruber ruber]
What I’ve learned from this thread is that, when you ask someone
“Can you keep this this confidential?” you need to spell out what “confidential” means to you: i.e., that it will kept to oneself, not to oneself plus spouse.
Now, my question is, to those who share things with SOs, what do you do if the asker spells out “NOT to your SO, not to anyone, understood?” Do you lie, and say OK and tell the SO anyway? Do you say “I can’t do that, so don’t tell me”? Or can you do it, exactly as requested?
[/QUOTE]
As I said, I say, “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable with that, so please don’t tell me. Would you like the number of a marriage counselor/therapist/minister/police officer/children’s protective services instead?”
I’ll help them find resources to deal with whatever it is, and if they take my help, I will not tell my husband. “Gee, Mary wanted to tell me something important but I wouldn’t let her and she asked me for the name of a good marriage counselor instead!” would be a little too obvious in my book. That would be at the level of gossip - speculation without details from the horse’s mouth - which, while I love it, I’m trying to trim out of my life. That would remain confidential, even from my husband.
And, to clarify, it’s not like I feel obligated to go reporting everything I hear to my husband, just that I want that freedom to be *able *to tell him whatever I want. He may never know, but then again I may decide to tell him. But I want what I tell him to be my decision, because it affects my relationship with him.
The ass-backwards, “Blah, blah, blah - and don’t tell anyone!” I loathe. I will generally say, “Sorry, but I didn’t agree to that. I won’t tell anyone but my husband, but I may share it with him. Next time ask first, OK?” Not only does it clarify for people the kind of communication I prefer, but it does teach some people to be more careful before they blab a confidence, which I think is a good thing.
While I do love gossip, if someone tells me something in confidence, I keep it to myself instead of telling my husband or anyone else. Surprisingly, my husband prefers it that way. I once slipped up and let him know that a friend was pregnant but she wasn’t sharing the news, and he asked why I told him. I couldn’t come up with a good reason, other than it’s nice to know things that other people don’t. Still, that doesn’t mean that I should tell others, even my husband.