I absolutely agree. My ex and I are “friends” for a carefully defined and limited meaning of “friend”. We are most definitely “partners” in raising our daughter together, and we’re good at it (much better than we were as parenting partners when married). We still travel in much the same social circle, and people invite both of us (and our current partners) to events and parties and we all go and things are fine.
But we’re still stiff, stilted and a bit standoffish. There’s a sense that there’s a carefully constructed wall between us, and I like it that way. It feels safe.
Example: he grew up in Chardon, OH. Was so badly bullied in grammar school that he begged his parents to send him to a very expensive private school instead of Chardon High School. The events of this past week have him pretty rattled, I know. I sent him a sympathetic text and got involved in a discussion he started on Facebook about parenting and the shooting. That’s it. For a most of my “friends”, I’d have been on the phone at least, and bringing over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a box of Kleenex for many. I’m not disinterested, but I’m not that person to him any more.
Yes, of course - I’ve seen it work well, many times. Sometimes it’s always a different kind of friendship than one that’s always been truly platonic, but that’s okay. Personally my platonic friendships have varying degrees of emotional intimacy anyway.
I recently left the only LTR I’ve ever been in, and I hope to always stay in touch with my ex in some capacity. I care for him deeply and he is a wonderful and interesting person; I just didn’t want to be in an exclusive romantic relationship with him anymore. Spending time together without being a couple has been much easier than I thought it would be, so far… but then we’re both exceptionally nice and reasonable people.
In principle this is apparently possible. My sister’s done it. My husband’s done it. I have three ex-boyfriends and I’ve been able to be friends with none of them, which I’m kind of sad about (especially the one who was a really good friend before we started dating).
Lemme see if I can 'splain. I love my ex. I always will. I care deeply about him. I just can’t be married to, or live with, him. My current husband understands this. (they’re friends, too) Was it akward at first? Oh yes. But we eventually got to a place where we can be friends, and it was worth it. I’m not in love with, or even really attracted to him. But, I get to be a part of his life, and he, mine without all the married people drama. We’re much better off being friends. That’s really the way it should have been in the first place.
See, that would be mind-boggling to me about some of my exes, but others not so much. Maybe it’s a matter of how many exes one has accumulated, and why.
I’m good friends with one of my exes. We live on opposite sides of the country and only talk on the phone a few times a year, but we genuinely care about each other and I count her among my best friends.
I tried to pull off being friends with another ex. In the end, I decided that it was a bad idea.
The rest of my exes I’ve not kept in contact with, nor have I really wanted to.
I don’t get why this is mind-boggling to you. These are people that were once one of the most important people in your life, if not the most important. Just because you’re no longer fucking doesn’t mean that they can’t still be. I, myself, am still best friends with a guy I put my dick in a couple years ago, and have in the past been pretty good friends with a number of other people who have similarly had my dick in them.
I can’t. Even in my first real life relationship, I severed before I’d ever heard the term before.
I believe it’s possible for some people, given a long enough time to heal post-relationship, but most people who want to be friends with their exes are doing so too quickly out of guilt or because they still love their ex. Better to steer clear of it altogether.
Right there is why not for me. I don’t have but about five friend “slots” in my life as it is: if I were friends with five exes, that would be my whole slate.
Now, I am friendly with a lot more people, but who has time for more than five friends?
I don’t really have any exes, but I can’t imagine anything that would break me and my husband up that wouldn’t also make it impossible for us to be close. He’s my husband in the same way my sister is my sister: anything that would make her “not my sister” anymore would be something that would make her totally alien to me.
The reason I’m not friends with more exes doesn’t have anything to do with sex. It generally has to do with whatever reason they’re my ex, and not my current. Most of the time, if someone is an ex, it’s because he treated me poorly, or because I was embarrassingly insane at him at some point. In neither case is there reason to maintain a friendship.
There are plenty of people I’ve had sex with who I’m still friendly with; I just don’t consider them my “exes”, as we never had a real relationship. But I acknowledge that my sex life has been unconventional.
My best friend is an ex. We were good friends before we got together, were together for about 5 years, and had a mutual breakup because we both knew we weren’t right for each other. After about a year of awkwardness we resumed the activities we always enjoyed together, like skiing, biking, movies, dinner. We have the same circle of friends so we see each other at least once a week.
My GF loves her, I really like my ex’s BF (both long term) and it’s not awkward at all. I’ve usually had good relations with my ex’s although not all have kept in touch as much. Only one was a really bad breakup and she moved to Alaska so that one hasn’t been as successful.
The qualities that made us friends still exist, and we’re all mature enough to deal with some awkwardness that occasionally shows up. It’s worth it to me to have these relationships in my life.
Well, as to the question: Yes, but it’s absolutly a person-by-person, case-by-case thing, there’s no universal rule and every experience has very limited portability to another person or situation even for oneself.
I was the one who said “no, and I have personal experience to back me up.”
This may have more to do with me than the state of romance/relationships in general. I didn’t have a strong positive male figure in my life as I grew up, so the way I relate to men is a little off.
My most recent boyfriend first broke it off by saying, “I think you’re too maternal.” Then, “I’m not attracted to you.” Which was funny, because he certainly, er, appeared to be attracted to me. And that should have been the end of it. We were to remain friends, do the adult thing.
In reality he waffled. Maybe we could try again, maybe not. He moved away; I was his sole contact with his old group of friends. I got my hopes up.
After a couple years of this (I know! I know! DUR!) I asked him again, point-blank, if there was ever any possibility of getting together again. He said no, never.
I was so hurt, but I know I should have seen the situation more clearly. I know from prior dating experience I can’t remain friends; if I like someone, I can’t “unlike” them and treat them like everyone else. It’s not an ability I have.
Currently not in a relationship (thank goodness!).
Right-perhaps I need to control my natural tendency to let my mouse pointer wander close to the “poll” checkbox, but I guess just can’t control myself.
I’ve seen it done in my family, to the point that, when mom was hospitalized and dad needed someone who could rush and keep her company while he went to work, his first call was to his first wife (“auntie”).
Granted, at this point about 30 years had passed or so since they divorced. I’ve heard it was rough the first few years, but I was not around then, and I’m glad it worked its way. I love my auntie very much.
I’ve also seen it not work.
Currently, for myself, I’m on friendly terms with a sort of ex (if we both were in the same zip code, we could be friends or be back together), and in a “I don’t want to see your face again” terms with another.
I like most of my exes and enjoy spending time with them; that’s why I went out with them. I don’t understand what about them suddenly changes when we split up that’s supposed to make me not like them any more! I’m not best friends with any of them, but that’s more because none of them live in London so I don’t see them very often.
