Does a kid HAVE to know his dad isn't his dad?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is the oddest situation, and I don’t have all the facts, but I need help.

My daughter called last night. Her best friend from childhood (we’ll call her “Mary”) got a call from her son (“Bobby”) saying that a woman (“Sue”) contacted him through his MySpace page and asked how to get in touch with his mom (Mary).

Twenty years ago, Mary was in a relationship with Bobby’s dad (call him “Joe”). Mary got pregnant. Joe got into drugs. Mary left him. Mary gave birth to Bobby, and she told Joe that Bobby was someone else’s baby. Joe accepted this. Mary got married to “Sam” when Bobby was still a baby, and Bobby believes Sam is his father.

Bobby – the son
Mary – Bobby’s mom
Joe – Bobby’s biological dad
Sam – Mary’s husband, Bobby’s “legal” dad
Sue – Joe’s wife

Mary and Bobby live in the PNW, Sue and Joe are in Texas.

Mary contacted Sue. She learned that Sue is now married to Sam, who’s cleaned up his act and wants to know if he has a son.

Mary is suspicious of the timing of all this Bobby is in a band that has just gotten a nice record contract. They’ll be touring with someone whose name you’d all know.

When my daughter told me all this, I couldn’t help but think of Joe Dirt. :slight_smile:

Anyway, Mary doesn’t know what to do. She has a good relationship with Bobby, and thinks Bobby would probably be okay knowing Sam isn’t his bio dad. (They never got along.)

But what if Sue and Joe think that Bobby’s going to be rich and famous and they’re wanting some of that? Why wait 20 years to look for your son?

Mary could continue to lie, but Sue and Joe have found Bobby, and they might not go away.

I’m bringing this situation to Dopers, because Mary asked my daughter to ask me what she should do. She says “My mom’s stupid, ask Pam what she thinks.” :dubious:

I think Mary should tell Bobby the truth, but I’d feel better about it if she talked more with Sue and Joe, to see how they found Bobby, and more important, why they were looking for him after all this time.

Mary could continue to lie, but Sue and Joe might not go away. Could Joe demand a paternity test? Would he open himself up to liability for child support?

What would you do?

(Another issue is Sam, who has mental health issues. He’s been institutionalized before but is doing okay now, and Mary needs to keep things on an even keel.)

2

But is Fred going to tell Linda the real truth about George? And what if Helen finds out first?

Okay, sorry, I’m not being helpful.

Sue and Joe have found out about Bobby, who apparently is not a child. Which means if they want to contact him, they’re going to do so one way or another. He might as well hear it from Mary rather than have a stranger approach him on the street one day and say “Hi, I’m your Dad and your Mom’s been lying to you all these years.”

3

I don’t think that Mary can prevent, in this situation, Bobby from being contacted and told by his biological father the truth of his paternity.

Given that it appears that Joe and Joe’s wife are looking to go through Mary with how they approach this, it would seem to me that that is at least an attempt to work things through in a good faith manner. While the timing might have been better, they’re at least starting with Mary, not Bobby.

I think Mary should tell Bobby the truth. First, because as I said, if Joe and Sue intend to get stubborn they will whether she helps or not. By making it a cooperative effort she can at least have some measure of control or at least be part of the information/decision loop. Secondly, there are some real concerns about medical history and health matters where it’s useful for Bobby to have access to the medical history of his father’s side of the family. It’s not vital, I’ll admit, and given the situation as it was before Sue and Joe contacted Mary, I wouldn’t have upset the apple cart based on that. But now that they’re in the picture it is one more reason why the truth should come out.

I’d suggest to Mary that she should point out that she’d not seen Joe in years, that she lost track of him, and that it seemed easier and better for Bobby to simplify things rather than explain the whole complicated mess. If Bobby has a lick of sense I suspect he’ll have the same concerns that Mary has about Joe’s timing, and so long as Mary doesn’t try to fan that suspicion Bobby’s own natural suspicions will do more to help him see through any BS Joe and Sue might bring.

Just my two cents, and worth even less. :wink:

4

Sounds good to me. Really good. Thanks. :slight_smile:

It is a bit encouraging that Sue didn’t come right out and tell Bobby that someone else might be his father.

Mary can’t figure out how they found Bobby. As far as she knows, Joe never knew her married name.

5

It also seems like it might be important many years down the road in a family health history kind of way, maybe.

6

I’m not going to offer specific advice, but I will issue a warning that regardless how Bobby gets the news, there will be extremely uncomfortable aftershocks if he has never been told that he has a different birth dad. I’m guessing that kids who learn that one parent is a step-parent at a late age will suffer many of the same problems that kids who have been adopted encounter if they have not been told of the adoption.

It (usually) pretty much turns their lives upside down, causing them to question their paternity (and whether they have any reason to trust the parents who raised them in any matter large or small). It is not pretty.

In general, I would always suggest that a child be told the fact that he or she has been adopted (or “stepped”) at the earliest opportunity. Even if this information is 18 years late, it is better than 25 years late or 40 years late.

I would warn the parents that they may face some tumultuous times–a tumult that cannot be avoided by continuing to put off the revelation of the “other” family (or parent).

7

I can’t see this going well for Mary.

I understand that her *intentions *were the best, but her *actions *have denied her son the truth for twenty years.
She deliberately deprived Joe of a relationship with his son - and I know her reasons for that seemed reasonable at the time.
She let Bobby believe that his ‘real’ Dad just didn’t ‘get along’ with him. How would that have felt for Bobby?

If Joe wants it, Mary has given him the perfect angle - he would (of course!) have cleaned up his act if Mary hadn’t lied, possibly true. He would have given Bobby the loving father he deserved, possibly true. Mary took the chance of that away from both of them, definitely true.

Mary’s best bet may be to come clean, tell Bobby everything as honestly as possible and outwait the shitstorm.
Even if she has an exemplary relationship with Bobby to fall back on, there are no guarantees that she will be forgiven.

The only person I know who found out about his adoption at the same age (20), has dealt with it and has a good relationship with both sets of parents - after four years of the upheaval that **tomndebb **described with absolute accuracy.

My sympathies are mostly with Bobby - he’s the only one who was completely innocent and he is going to bear the brunt of it all. Especially if Joe is really just after the cash.

Sorry if I seem to be preaching. As much as I understand, I don’t agree with Mary’s actions.

8

I kind of got lost with all the names, but I think a child should know who his real parents are. There are circumstances (such as hereditary diseases) where information on parents is important for people planning to have children of their own. I realize that is not always possible with adoption being a particularly difficult area.

If it was me, I would want to know.

9

My father always knew his father was not his bio father - he was six when the adoption happened. But his entire life he’d heard that his bio dad had just picked up and left with no further contact.

When he was FORTY, his bio dad showed up on our doorstep. With - surprise! - a different story. It was WWII, he was stationed in St. Paul but from a different part of the country, she got knocked up, they got married. When he was discharged, she moved across the country with the baby and they lived with his parents. But she missed home. So, she took the baby, packed up, and moved “home.” He spent years sending gifts we have no idea what happened to.

I’m not going to say it ruined his relationship with his mother, but it certainly hasn’t helped. And for what? At some point he was certainly old enough to hear “I was young and homesick, so I took the only thing that mattered to me - you - and moved home. And that was selfish, but things were different, you didn’t travel cross country to visit.” And letting him have a few presents.

The kid needs to know. Otherwise at some point something will happen - blood types won’t match - he’ll run into someone who knew mom “back when.” You don’t have a right to KNOW your bio parents, you do have a right to understanding how your parents relate to you genetically and if there are other factors in play.

10

**Dangerosa ** is right, in this kind of situation the truth ALWAYS comes out and the older the child (person) is the harder it is to accept and the more damage it does.

I have told my story here before so I won’t bore you, save to say that my husband killed himself and a huge part of that was finding out that the man he thought was his father was his step-father. Finding out about his real father was a huge shock and a life changing moment.

Without ever actually ever using the words “daddy killed himself” I have made sure my son (now 16) ALWAYS knew the truth.

Who your parents are is something that will always come out, even via something simple like a blood test. Any parent who lies to their child about something as fundemental as parentage will rue the day. If a child can’t trust you about who they are how can they possibly trust you about anything else.

Your daughter’s friend needs to front up and take the backlash the best she can.

11

This.

12

Thanks, everyone. I’ve passed this along to my daughter, who will pass it along to her friend.

This makes me wonder what I would do in a similar situation, if I was a wife whose husband thought he might have a child out there somewhere. I’d want to know if the child was okay, but I wouldn’t press for contact.

13

Slight update: Sue told Mary that Joe has five other children, scattered around the country. She’s looking for them too. :dubious: or :rolleyes: or :stuck_out_tongue: Not sure what fits with this guy.

14

Well, in the silver lining department, it goes a long way to supporting Mary’s decision that Joe wasn’t at that time, prime material for being a stick-around father.

(Hey, when you’re told to make bricks, you try to make bricks, even if you’ve got no straw…)

15

Fucker’s setting up franchises.

(reference, anyone?)

16

DH’s relationship with his mother and stepfather was changed, too. They thought he didn’t know and at the time they finally told him (mid-to-late teens, IIRC), spent half the conversation congratulating themselves on how well they’d kept the “secret.” Ho, ho, we really put one over on you, sonny - nudge, nudge wink, wink!

His mother has told so many different versions that I’m not sure she even remembers the real thing anymore. He’d figured it out years before, and got an older half-brother to confirm it. He’s said it really changed the way he felt about them; he doesn’t trust them at all. He’s also developed some health issues that could be genetic, but doesn’t trust them to tell him the truth about how to find out.

My brother and SIL are in the middle of something similar. My brother is not my niece’s bio father, but she doesn’t know (or at least they think she doesn’t know). She’s 13. They haven’t asked my opinion so I haven’t offered it, but I wish there was some way to let them know that the relationship could change if she figures it out and realizes that they haven’t been honest with her.

17

Anyone else have “Microsoft Project” open when they’re going through the OP?

18

I tried to keep it simple. :stuck_out_tongue:

Another update: Mary’s going to tell Bobby. He’s on the road now and she doesn’t want to tell him on the phone, so it’ll have to wait until he gets home.

19

You mean Sue is now married to Joe, right? Otherwise, this just got a whole lot more complicated.

20

It worked for Jack Nicholson and he’s had a pretty successful life.