Oh, boy do I know what it’s like to have a cranky spouse. He’s also very controlling (or tries to be anyway). Doesn’t take much to get him irritated. He doesn’t like the noise when I get the hiccups for crying out loud. He also has a talent for making everything seem to be my fault. If I’m sick, it’s my fault. If this happens, it’s my fault and so on.
I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to dealing with things like this. My spouse and I have already come close to divorce. Sometimes I’m really miserable living with him and at other times he’s not too bad. But somehow he always mangages to make me seem like the bad guy.
You might also consider picking up a book about being assertive in conversation. Actually, in this case it’s more about being assertive in standing up for yourself when he’s trying to get you to take on blame.
Sometimes the right response isn’t “I’m sorry” but rather “I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way” or “I’m sorry to hear that you have interpreted it that way. I feel differently.” And you leave it at that. You don’t have to be drawn in to discussing it or defending yourself when you haven’t actually done anything wrong.
Igloo don’t think of counselling at something that’s only appropriate for Big Bad Problems. It’s not. Why struggle with a problem that you can’t figure out and is driving both you and your husband nuts when there’s probably counselers out there that have dealth with this same problem with 100 other couples? He or she will at least have some techniques for you to try. Also, a lot of times it just helps to talk out a problem with someone else in the room - you’re more apt to stay on your best behavior with someone watching
You said above that talking to him while calm hasn’t really produced anything that you can do differently. OK, then throw the ball back to him. If you can’t change your behavior, maybe he can change his. Ask him to take the responsibility during the next fight to ask you nicely to talk softer if he thinks you’re talking too loudly, or to try to ignore the loud voice and concentrate on the words being said. Make HIM take an active stance in resolving the issue.
Other random thoughts that come to mind:
Have the two of you really sat down and admitted this is a problem that you BOTH want to fix? I think that was a breakthrough with Mr. Athena and I - when we both got to the point that we hated, hated, HATED the fights, and that we both wanted them to stop. Once we established that, I think we both sort of went into “analysis” mode, and during and after fights we both actively thought about stuff like “when he says x, I get really, really pissed.” Once we figured that stuff out, we both tried to fix it - him by not saying “x”, and me by recognizing that “x” set me off and trying to not let it get to me so badly.
Does he realize just how much the stuff he says bothers you? I found that Mr. Athena didn’t even realize that what he was saying could come across as attacks and insults. He still thinks I’m too sensitive, but he’s tried to tone down some of the words he uses. We decided that some things - mainly, threatening to move out - were completely off limits, and that helped a lot. Nothing like having the love of your life threaten to move out because you forgot to pay the phone bill to really screw up your day.
I feel sort of like the blind leading the blind here, since a lot of this stuff is stuff Mr. Athena and I are still trying to figure out. Still, we’re a lot better than we were 2 years ago, so we must be doing something right.
