I really don't see any solution to this...

In My Humble Opinion
1

…unless Mr. Rilch backs down.

For previewers: He’s accusing me of 'having a fit" when I swear to you, I am not.

It would take too long to explain the situation. The point is, I am as calm as anyone can be expected to be, considering. Suffice to say that we don’t know that we’re screwed, and there’s a good chance that we’re not, but if we are, oh boy.

But the thing is, all I have to say is, “I can’t find it”, and it starts.

Him: Don’t start getting bent out of shape.

Me: I’m not.

Him: Yes you are. I know how you get.

Me: I’m not getting like anything.

Him: Yes you are. You start going hnnhhhh, hnnhhhh, and getting all unstrung—

Me: I am not doing anything of the sort.

Him: I know how you get. You always get like that.

Me: I am not. Getting. Like anything.

Him: [getting loud] Goddammit Rilch! I’m not going to put up with another one of your tantrums!

Me: Saying “I can’t find it” is not a tantrum!

Him: Yeah, but you were like “I can’t find it! It’s gone forever! My whole life is ruined! Waaahhh!”

Me: Only the first four words of that are accurate.

Him: I don’t have time for this! I don’t have time for your hnnhhhh, hnnhhhh and your hysterics—

Me: I am not making any noises like that.

Him: “Hnnhhhh, hnnhhhh…AAAAUGHHHH! I can’t find it!” Rilch, youy have not changed in ten years. You always—

Me: Yes. I. Have. I am not doing anything like that. I am being calm and reasonable—

Him: I don’t have time for this. Goddammit, Rilch, I have to WORK!

Me: You know what, JTL? Suck my DICK!

So now he’s gotten the reaction he wanted. And I swear to you, I did not raise my voice until well after he had, and only because he kept accusing me of being out of control.

I don’t “always” do this. I have made great strides in keeping my temper under control. But every time we’re in a situation where I once would have lost my temper, he reacts as if I already have, and he keeps retaliating (against nothing) until I do lose my temper.

I just don’t see a solution to this. Even after we’d both calmed down, I tried again to get him to admit that I hadn’t been getting bent out of shape, at least not about the problem itself, and he kept insisting that I had. I don’t know what I can do to convince him otherwise.

2

Tape recorder. Or video camera. Could be enlightening for both of you…

3

You walk out of room. You don’t get angry, but you leave and go do something else.

4

Don’t take the bait. Look at him calmly while he’s goading you on, then avoid the meta-argument entirely and re-address the situation at hand.

5

Yep. If he starts accusing you, don’t respond. You may not lose your temper like you used to, but now the two of you have picked up a new script which doesn’t sound any better. Every time this happens, he’s starting the usual dialogue, and if you follow along, he goads you into reciting the same lines every time.

Rewrite the script completely. Don’t answer him. Not a word. Not a “Fuck you” or a “Don’t start” or an “I’m not bent out of shape.” Leave him standing there, and let him “hnnnhhh hnnnnnh hnnhhhh” to his heart’s content, till he realizes that you’re still looking for whatever it is you can’t find, while he’s been left to make funny noises. Do this often and consistently enough, and eventually, he may in fact realize that he’s not going to get that particular reaction anymore.

6

All right; I’ll try. It’ll be hard not to respond, especially since he usually interprets my leaving the room as “running away”. But I’ll try.

Oh, and danalan, I wish like anything that I could record these sessions. But I don’t know in advance when they’ll start, and I can’t have a camera running constantly!

7

What was it that you lost? Maybe think back to the last time you saw/had it?

8

It’s not a tangible object. It’s a computer file that may or may not have been lost when we took it in for repair.

I would think that it’s got to be somewhere among the ten thousand disks they put our old hard drive on, but neither of us is especially computer-savvy, so we keep inserting disks and opening folders and not finding it. The repair guys swear that they put absolutely everything on these disks, and ISTM that if they saved Incredifind for us, they must have saved this. But if they didn’t, that’ll be really, really bad.

9

So the solution would appear to be to search through those files until you either find it, or prove it missing, at which time you can determine a further course of action. In this case, is it not entirely counterproductive to waste time arguing about anything?

10

You must be single. :wink:

11

Well, he just called to say he loves me, and he “feel[s] really bad” about having yelled at me, and “can’t believe what a jerk [he is]” sometimes. And of course, we’d already patched things up before he left the house.

And yeah, Fuji, what Cervaise said.

12

“Reschedule” the argument. That used to flabbergast my ex husband :slight_smile: I used to say (in my nicest “concerned” voice) “I can see you really want to argue about this, but I’m kind of busy right now. How’s 6:00? Is that good for you?”
Beyond that, like most others have already said. Ignore the button pushing statements and concentrate your thoughts on the problem at hand.

I had an ex-bf that used to love to push my buttons for some reason. He thought it was a hoot. It was really hard not to rise to the bait. You may not nail it the first couple of times (because he will keep pushing until he sets you off). But, keep at it. You’ll soon get the hang of ‘selective hearing’. :wink:

13

Oh god. Have I ever been there.

If I get annoyed about something my husband has done, he’ll say I threw a fit. If I say, “I really don’t appreciate X,” he’ll say I threw a fit.

It pisses me off and, frankly, makes me throw fits. :smiley:

14

Mr. Legend and I found a while back that we were having arguments with our own perceptions of what the other was saying (or thinking or feeling). He’d say something, and I’d react to what I was assuming, from experience, he was about to say or what I assumed he was thinking. He would then react to what he thought I was really arguing about, and we’d be off to the races.

We finally learned, slowly and with as many steps back as forward, that whenever one of us said, “You always” or “You never,” it was time to step back and approach the argument from a different angle unless we wanted to have Argument #26 or #14 yet again. It took a long time, and it took both of us really trying to change things, but we realized one day that we’d broken through when I said something to him that he misinterpreted, he blew up at me and stormed out the back door, and then we each took a deep breath, thought things over a minute, and came back together to explain what we were thinking and why we’d reacted the way we did. I realized that what I’d said did have an undercurrent to it that I hadn’t meant to put in there, he realized that he’d overreacted to something I hadn’t really said, and we were able to rephrase the argument in such a way that we really addressed the issue. I tell you, we should have had Dr. Phil’s job at that point.

So I suppose I’m saying that if he does this a lot, maybe it would be worthwhile to sit down and have a conversation about it at a time when neither of you is feeling stressed or angry. You might be able to do something about it if you work on it together.

15

Umm, then why the post?
:smiley:

You could always turn the tables on him.

Him: Why are you throwing a fit?!
You: Why are *you * throwing a fit?

Him: I know how you get. You always get like that.
You: Why are *you * throwing a fit?

Him: Don’t start getting bent out of shape.
You: Why are *you * throwing a fit?

Him: Yes you are. You start going hnnhhhh, hnnhhhh, and getting all unstrung—
You: Why are *you * throwing a fit?

Him: ARGGHGHHHGHHGHGHH!!! I AM NOT THROWING A FIT!!!
You: Yes, you are. You always get like that.

16

Out of all the suggestions here, this is the one I like the best! Maybe you should try it.

17

Keapon, I think I’ll try that if my husband ever accuses me of throwing a fit. It would be great.

18

Maybe you could try talking to him “offline” about this. When you are not in the middle of a crisis, take him aside and tell him that it really annoys you, hurts your feelings, that he has not acknowledged your growth. Ask him to step back and really look at you. Tell him that he needs to see you as you, not the you he married. Tell him that this is a sticking point that he needs to try to get past.

19

one of the best strategies I have seen for these things is for you and the SO to sign a “Time Out agreement” when you are both calm and not arguing. Essentially it says that if either of you calls time out during an argument, you both agree to walk away, with the understanding that you will resume the discussion in half an hour, or whatever makes sense.

You must continue talking about whatever. But you both spend some time apart first to emotionally regroup and break the escalation of emotions.

Works very very well. And you have a signed agreement to both follow the rules.

20

That sounds good in theory, but I already know it won’t work for us. We have to talk about a problem during the “afterburn”, so to speak, or it’ll be like…well, a vice-presidential debate! Good points made on both sides, but ultimately affecting nothing: we won’t remember it the next time the problem arises.

We have solved problems, in the past, by talking them out while the wounds are still fresh. If we wait and do it in cold blood, then we’ll just end up debating about who did what when, and was that in direct response to that, or was it a separate incident? But if we strike while the iron is hot, then neither of us can deny that we did do that because of that, and yeah, it did kinda make things worse.

Shamrock and MrFantsyPants, that also sounds good. Keapon, no offense, but your suggestion doesn’t, at least not to me. It would just provoke him more, and it would provoke me more if he did it to me. (But hey, welcome to the board!)