There are many cranks out there, of course, and all sorts of people claiming to be the Messiah or to know who he (or she) is. But does anyone here know someone who seriously believes they know who the Messiah is?
Well, modesty forbids, but…
Seriously–I used to know people who thought Menachem Schneerson was the messiah. I don’t know who those guys have picked now, though, since Schneerson went horizontal and stopped breathing before he could fulfill his messianic duties.
I know plenty of people who believe Jesus was (and is) the Messiah.
I’m the Messiah, and so’s my wife.
There’s No messiah here. There’s a MESS allright, but no Messiah.
I believe the identity of the messiah is known to the government of the United States. Specifically, the IRS. See, all they have to do is search all those tax returns and see who filled in “Messiah” as their current job. 
[Dire Straits]
Two men say they’re Jesus; one of them must be wrong…
[/Dire Straits]
There is a current, long time and well-known poster here who claimed (apparently in all seriousness) to know, at one time. I do not know if he/she still holds that belief, so I’ll not name any names. Some may recall this from a year or so ago.
Diogenes, Lib, Tomndeb? Sounds like a nutjob or a prankster.
I think that sect still believes he is the Messiah, despite his death.
My ex husband.
He thought he was the messiah.
You think I’m joking.
What an odd bunch. Waiting for the “Second Coming of Menachem Schneerson” now, are they?
None of the above, and it was someone not then nor now considered a nutjob or a prankster, though I personally found the claim a little :dubious: .
I know the identity of the Messiah.It’s an oratorio by Handel.
Gah. Missed the perfect opportunity to use the word fishy. 
I remember this very clearly. Made for a spirited exchange, to say the least.
In that same vein:
I had a friend back home, who I used to have long, interesting talks with about what we believed (or didn’t believe) about God(s) or an afterlife. The talks were fun, but sometimes they got kind of weird. F’rinstance, we’d be driving along to the city one day (a nice long drive with not much to see), and she’d pop out with something strange, like: “Jesus could be among us today. You could be riding in the car with him right now.” She’d give me a weird “wink, wink” look. Now, had I been talking to someone else, I would have laughed at this, understanding that they were making a kind of “yeah, right” joke. No. No, that’s not what she meant. She would do this often, implying that she believed she was the reincarnation of Jesus. :eek: However, I would always laugh anyway, and glance into the empty backseat and say, “THERE HE IS! Hey, J.C., how’s it hanging? Little to the left?”
She would just smirk. She once told me that she could see God in front of her face, and anytime I discussed something I believed with her she would say that she would see God’s face in front of her, and he would furrow his brow and shake his head, saying I was wrong. Every possible argument I would make, he’d shake his head and declare me wrong, therefore, by default, she was the “winner” of the whole debate. It was just no fun to argue with her.
Then one day… something happened that was kind of an accident, but kind of not, too. I was fixing her computer for her (the son of God knows nothing of computers! bah!) Anyway, I had everything up and running, and I was looking for an .ini file I’d written. I noticed in her documents she had a little .txt file named “My Diary”. Okay. That one, I did not touch. Swear to Og. 
But there was one under it marked “My Life”. I remembered her saying she wanted to write a book… so just out of curiousity…
It started off saying this was an autobiography of [her name], and, seriously… started off from the beginning. You know, when she was born. She wrote about what a beautiful baby she was, but that nobody really loved her. She wrote of her struggles through highschool, which must certainly indicate that she was the true reincarnation of Jesus. Wow. I wonder how many other Jesi are running around out there? Anyway, she wrote many, many pages about how she knew she was Jesus, and also, that she was an angel who had wings, and that she was sent here to lead the rest of us to (my favourite part): salavation.
Keep in mind, this was the woman who I moved in with (I had no idea she truly thought she was Jesus until I was stuck there), who treated me like her own personal Cinderella (no hyperbole) and yelled at me and told me I had no common sense because I didn’t fold the towels the way she did (she had some fancy ass flip to them, I just fold mine into neat squares). She told me that men would love me so much more if I could just learn to fold towels her way. Ha! So that’s the key! That’s why she has so many men beating down her door to… oh wait. There are zero men at her door.
Let’s sum this up, now - Jesus is:
Female
Blonde
Pasty white (she’s as Irish as I am)
400 pounds (I’m not joking)
33 years old
Single
Slept with two men (not at once, but that would look awesome on the resume)
Both men think she is insane
Men she has a crush on eventually get their numbers changed
Jesus enjoys driving by her exes house weekly, to see if he’s really home or if he’s out
Is a slob of the highest degree
Is a packrat and “needs” all her material posessions
Keeps too many animals in tiny, cramped spaces (because they “love” her)
Claims all animals love her naturally and never want to hurt her, and smiled idiotically at my parents’ little Lhasa Apso, Zoey, while Zoey snarled, snapped, and barked her the hell out of our house (yet Zoey welcomed my husband who she’d never met before into the house with leg rubs and begs to be petted, with nary a bark… hmm?)
Smokes
Lives in a trailer and collects lead crystal
Drives a Suzuki and calls it a Jeep
Jesus is a diva
So, I don’t know about all you guys, but I was blessed. I lived and was bossed around by the true reincarnation of Jesus. I know the secret to getting into heaven, so I’ll share it with you:
Learn how to fold bath towels using a fancy-ass flip method. God does not frown upon that. It’s about the only thing he approves of.
Well, I once almost ran over the messiah with my car-does that count? Well, maybe he wasn’t the messiah, but he did a pretty good imitation. I was driving down a large road in a suburb near my home and as I was driving past a small Methodist church a man dressed in all white was in the middle of the road, just kind of standing in front of the church. As I pulled up in front of him he just stood there, so I came to a complete stop and he just kind of looked at us and slowly stepped up onto the sidewalk and let us pass by. Maybe he was just crazy, but he sure picked a great place to do his best impersonation of Jesus.
“We’re gonna need the biiiiiiig cross for this one, Boss!”
I am sooo going to Hell.
If there’s enough of them, someone could do a “World’s Wackiest Jesi” television show.
Sadly, I do know the identity of the Messiah-but I do know of a woman in Florida who thinks that the Words of Jesus (usually printed in red in the Bible) “flame up” whenever she reads them. She says she can see the flames and smell the burning paper whenever she reads her Bible.
Okey-dokey…