Does dom/sub sex play tacitly support slavery? (Warning: potentially graphic)

Great Debates
1

I’m not sure that GD is the best place for this, but sexuality is often discussed here, just not this particular subject. Mods, if you feel the need to move it, please do so with my blessing. (Ahh-men. chortle)

OK. A couple caveats here first.

Warning: Some elements of this post (and possibly, responses) will be fairly graphically sexual in nature. I can’t think of a way to talk about this without “going there.”

While I have a number of sexual kinks myself, this isn’t one of them. I’m not into dominance/submission play, and I think the main subject of this topic will go a long way towards why that is the case. However, I acknowledge that since I have no firsthand experience with it, my views may be somewhat naive. I’ll accept any helpful insights that might improve my understanding of this particular kink. Hey, we’re here to fight ignorance, right? I confess that I am somewhat ignorant on this topic.

However, I wouldn’t say I’m completely ignorant. I have a number of friends who are into dom/sub play, and they sometimes describe it in detail (usually in their online journal or a similar outlet). Also, while I haven’t participated in it myself, I have seen it firsthand at a local sex club.

I should point out here that I have no problem whatsoever with other people wanting to do this. I’m not trying to stop it and I don’t think it’s “sick” or any other epithet. Just as I have my kinks, others have theirs. I don’t judge them for their kinks anymore than I would hope people would judge me for mine. “There’s no such thing as normal,” as I once heard it said. I’m simply interested in a theoretical discussion of this thought that I had about it. I’m not trying to be critical or deliberately controversial in this – the OP is asking a genuine question, it is not trying to pass judgement on people.

Finally, bear in mind that I’m well aware that that dom/sub sexuality is a consensual thing between the participants in it. That point is pretty much a given in my OP, so nobody really needs to point it out. While I recognize the fact of consensuality, it doesn’t really change my point much on a larger scale.

All right… so much for the preliminaries.

I’ve always been slightly put off by dom/sub sex play, when I read of it in books or magazines or whatever. I was never sure why, but it took a particularly vivid description of a series of “scenes” in the journal of a friend of mine to really get me thinking about it. This friend is a strong-willed, independent woman. She’s been polyamorous for some time, and is into a number of different things. Recently, her and one of her more active partners have entered into a dom/sub relationship, with her as the submissive one (which surprised the hell out of me – I never pictured her as submisive in any way). It’s the first time for either of them in trying this sort of thing.

It started out relatively mild. He would tell her to do things over the course of the day, such as wear a buttplug for two hours or wear a leather collar (under her turtleneck sweater) when she went out to lunch with friends. She was uncomfortable and nervous, but she seemed all right with it.

Just this last weekend, things stepped up a bit.

Final Warning: Here’s comes a graphic part. This is the third warning I’ve given, so if you don’t turn back now, don’t blame me.

In a recent journal entry, she describes how he told her to get on a bed and not to move unless he told her to. With no foreplay of any kind, he proceeded to have some pretty rough anal sex with her (he did use lube, so it wasn’t complete torture). She described her feelings of some pretty extreme discomfort and wishing that he would “just get it over with and come” so it would be over for her. It seemed fairly clear from the tone of her entry that she was not getting pleasure out of the act; she just wanted it to be done with. When she complained that it was painful, he hit her, pulled her hair and growled “Quiet!” Eventually, he did climax, and then he got up, shoved a towel between her legs, and left the room without a word to take a shower. When he came out, he “allowed” her to get up and clean herself up.

She also described a scene, earlier in the day, when he told her to get him off with oral sex, but when he knew that he probably couldn’t get off that way. She wound up feeling somewhat ashamed that everything she was doing wasn’t working, until he gave up and got off a different way.

They also went to the sex club I mentioned earlier, her wearing her collar and accompanying leash. Once there, they spent some time socializing before getting into anything. While watching people dancing there, he told her to rub her clit against the tip of his boot to orgasm, while others watched behind her. She described feelings of “wanting to climb into a hole in the floor and die,” but she did as he told her. Also while at the club, he had he fetch him soda and snacks. At one point, when he had told her to carry her leash in her mouth because he was tired of holding it, another person looked at her, then at her partner and said “How nice that you’ve trained it to hold its own leash.”

OK, graphic part’s over. Sorry.

I felt the need to describe all of that because frankly, it shocked me. Here’s a woman I know as a person… I’ve talked to her, I’ve shared her fears and happiness about her child, I’ve come to respect her as a strong woman. She’s always been open about her sexual tastes, so that isn’t what shocked me What surprised me was the base way in which she allowed herself to be treated. Here she is… being treated like an animal, or an object good for nothing but sexual release. The specifics of the act themselves are what led me to write this.

Here’s what I saw when reading her entry. She was uncomfortable, if not in outright pain, during a number of the acts they did. He didn’t seem to care. She wasn’t getting any pleasure out of several of the acts, and he didn’t seem to care about that either. She was ashamed at at least a couple points about what she was being made to do, most noticably when she was rubbing herself on his boot… which in itself seems like a very debasing act for her.

And most importantly, what all this is leading to, she was dehumanized by these acts and by the attitudes displayed towards her. “How nice that you’ve trained it to hold its own leash.”

This is the essence of what slavery is to me: dehumanization of a person into something without identity or individuality, for the service of another person. The sublimation of a person’s humanity. When I look at it from the outside, I see little difference between the sort of dom/sub relationship my friend has thus far described, and just plain slavery.

Now, as I said earlier, I accept that there is a consensual aspect between the people in the relationship that makes it separate from slavery for them. I do not question that. However, on a wider perspective (other than just from those in the relationship), it seems to me that this sort of relationship between people, one person or a group of people disregarding the humanity of another person or group, is a tacit support of slavery in general. Here’s why I’ve come to feel that way.

Dom/sub relationships “sexualize” (not sure that’s a real word, but oh well) aspects of slavery. In other words, it seems to me that these types of relationships are a way to make slavery/dehumanization sexy. They take something that (for me) is a huge moral negative and try to turn it around into something positive, however, I feel that it only serves (to me) to highlight the reasons why slavery is “wrong” in my book.

I recognize that there is something of a conflict in the conclusions I’ve drawn. I see many similarities to slavery in the broad nature of dom/sub relationships, but I also recognize the element of consensuality which does make a difference, at least within the relationship itself. I think I’m more concerned with effects of dom/sub relationships as a whole. Do they make slavery look “cool” or “sexy” or enticing? Do they have any effect at all on societal elements outside the relationship?

If I was settled on an answer for any of these questions, I doubt I’d be posting the question in such detail. And so I put it to the wise heads of the SDMB… what do you think?

2

And of course, right after hitting the POST button, I realized I had failed to define my use of the word “slavery”. From Merriam-Webster (m-w.com), I got this definition:

Well, then obviously the answer to my OP is “yes.” Especially interesting is the fact that it uses the very words I’m using. Not very helpful though.

American Heritage (dictionary.com) offered this definition:

That’s more along the lines of what I’m thinking. So let’s go with that for now, unless someone has a better one.

Sorry for such a long OP… guess I had a lot to say.

3

I think you have to distinguish something here. She reports a lot of negative feelings about everything: was that the point? Did she receive pleasure after the fact from the negative experiences?

I think it’s a common misconception about dom/sub play that the suffering one is receiving pleasure from what we’d normally consider pain/humilitation/suffering. From the people I’ve spoken to about it, the negative feelings she describes are essential to enjoying the experience, not a sign that it’s (necessarily) going badly.

4

I don’t know anything about the scene but I’d say an important question is: do they do stuff ‘out of character’? If she lives a sub role all the time that’s scary (to me). If it’s just sometimes, I’d say its ok.

I’d say it’s not related to slavery generally, but is unhealthy for some people, if they can’t not sub.

5

This is just…wrong.

6

Has she told him how she feels?

I always thought that BDSM was not well, “serious” in that, it was completely consensual, and that if one was really uncomfortable with it, it would stop. Using a safe word, or whatever.

Also, what exactly do you mean by “sex club?”

It DOES remind me of this thread.

shudder

7

Ok. Let’s start at the beginning.

D&S (Near as I know, BDSM does not actually exist; just sort of a “Hollywoodised” version of D&S, much like “S&M”), is for teenagers and people who have not grown out of being teenagers.
My involvement with D&S started by accident. I was with a woman for about three years before we realised it was into that sort of thing.
I actually found out during a heated discussion about what to do with our child (we were on the verge of separation at the time.) in my anger, I stopped reffrering to her as a person and simply started calling her “The child’s supervisor.” As in “The child’s supervisor will stop making insuations about my work history, etc…” "The dirty whore to which I am speaking need not assume it has a moral superiority to myself while leading the lifestyle it does (I caught it cheating, hence the discussion…)
Anyway, we cooled our collective jets, and she later admitted being turned on by the terminology. Further investigation revealed that the subject did not like having a name, and eagerly resented a lack of “coerced direction” in its life.

Ultimately, it did not work out. I am not into that sort of thing myself, and the novelty quickly wore off as the subject became very demanding in its needs over time.
Interestingly, the subject fits the profile for the other subject in the OP. It is very asserrtive in its life, but cannot find satisfaction in a realationship unless there is significant directional responsibility taken by its SO. I should say that in the case of the subject I dealt with, there was significant sexual abuse in its past.
So, to the OP, I strongly caution not becoming overly invovled in your subject’s life. It can result only in increased liabilities.

Cheers

8

BDSM in completely consensual. Without that consensuality you don’t have BDSM you have rape, which is illegal and immoral.
An important aspect of a submissive/dominance scene is that the submissive will allways have the ultimate control of saying their safe-word and having the scene stopped immediately and being released from any bondage. If the safe-word is not respected by the dominant party, then the dominant has become a rapist or at least false imprisoner. It should also be noted that in all succesful submissive/dominance interactions it is the submissive who receives the most satisfying sexual experience, the dominant partner will usually get less out of the scene.
Cheers, Bippy (who is a switch, can be either dominant or submissive)

9

IEatFood! I assure you BDSM and D/S exists and is practiced succesfully by many completely adult people. It simply sounds that your past SO was a natural submissive perhapse too young and nieve to understand that you are naturally uninterested in such a relationship. I hope both you and your SO found more compatable partners.
The fact that your SO wanted her life to be run by you is not a direct result of her submissive (in a D/S meaning) nature, but due to immaturtiy, lack of self respect which she needs to sort out no matter what her sexual preference is.

Cheers, Bippy

10

Well, I’ve got to say, no.

If you’re a sub, you’re a sub. If you’re a dom, you’re a dom. It’s just one of those things. You looked at that description of the sexual act, and nothing about it seemed cool or exciting to you. Indeed, nothing about being in either position in that relationship appealed to you; that’s not how you get your rocks off.

The thing about D&S relationships is that they only occur within the relationship. As has been pointed out, if you can’t function without them, if you continue to dehumanise everyone, or treat everyone as your “master”, then that’s a problem. But it’s definitely not a problem inherent to Dom/Sub relationships. As far as I am aware, none of the people who are doms or subs (to varying degrees) that I know have problems living “normal” lives when they’re not tied naked to a plank being bullwhipped :wink:

11

Unlike slavery in these relationships the “slave” decides how much he or she will put up with. They in fact control the relationship although appearances would make you think the opposite.

12

If your friend doesn’t enjoy her experiences, negative or otherwise, she should get out of the relationship. You write about her experiences as if she had no safeword or anything, but if she was going to sex clubs where d/s is practiced, she’s probably been around people who know the whole drill in this regard. If she did the whole anal sex thing with safewords, then it was completely with her consent that it happened, so presumably she must have enjoyed it at some level.

As for condoning real life slavery … I just don’t buy it. There’s this thing called reality and there’s this thing called fantasy and they’re like … different. And sane people recognize that the things we do in fantasy games … like renfairs or creative anachronism … don’t carry over into real life.

Can D/s relationships become pathological in nature? Sure, like just about any other realtionship. But here’s a big, fat clue about d/s relationships … there are a lot more male submissives out there than there are female dominants. And there are a lot more female submissives out there than there are male dominants.

I think Promise Keepers and their ilk are more likely to be violating their partners’ real-life autonomy than are d/s folk. D/s folk make their case on a purely consensual basis … let’s do this because we get off on it. Whereas Promise Keepers and such claim that God thinks it is right. Whole different kettle of fish.

13

I can maybe understand the appeal of being in complete sexual control of another person, or of relinquishing control to someone you trust. But to enjoy humiliating someone, to treat or be treated as sub-human—I just can’t see how this is anything other than pathological and psychologically unhealthy. If I’m wrong, enlighten me.

14

Your friend had a very long series of experiences, and although she describes them negatively, or at least describes negative aspects of them, at no point does she describe changing her mind about submitting.

The fact is that submission, in a nation that has outlawed actual slavery, is always voluntary. It may be fostered by a lot of different emotional factors, some of which are undesirable with respect to mental health. It also may be a way of exploring emotions from traumatic experiences in ones life, past or present. It can also be an expression of dependence, or neediness on the part of either participant. And in many cases it is more about exhibitionism than actual submission or dominance. Whether it is desirable is a case by case decision for the participants, unless one of them is not legally competent.

But it is not related in any way to the actual state of chattel slavery, or any of its near social relatives. You don’t own someone, simply because they agree to play a role in a mutual fantasy for you. The responsibility for your acts, or their acts remains where it is in reality. Some people play very rough and very dangerous games in the BDSM community. Some are extraordinarily careful, and some are idiotically careless. But then, I have never even heard a scene described that was more brutal than a heavyweight boxing match, or a hockey game. Those are brutal, and certainly more socially destructive than rough sex.

Tris

“Red hair, and black leather, my favorite color scheme.” ~ Richard Thompson ~

15

Jackmannii, thanks for driving by… would you like some context with that?

Guin, her and her partner do talk about this stuff, often. She’s something of a sex addict (as she’d likely say herself, were she here), and when she’s not actively engaged in it, she’s often talking about it. So I’m quite sure they’ve talked about this, though I’m obviously not privy to all the details.

Also, I know she has a “safeword,” which has come up several times here. She recently described a situation in which she was restrained and being hit with various objects (she is definitely “into” pain), and she almost used her safeword but decided not to. So, yes, her participation in this is indeed consensual. I never meant to suggest otherwise.

The definition of “sex club” changes from place to place, as I understand it. In this particular case, it’s a place where where couples or groups can go to… well… have sex. There are many accessories set aside and different rooms and a dance floor. Different nights of the week are set aside for different themed events, such as a dance party, a bondage party, a couples night, etc. My wife and I have only been there a few times, but I must say that the sling they have in one of the rooms is quite delightful. Our friend goes there with her partner almost every week.

And it’s funny that you mention that thread in particular. I was also thinking of that thread as my friend described her discomfort at involving others (even unwittingly) in her “scene,” when she wore her collar out in public. It certainly wasn’t as bad as the dinner party described in that other thread, but she did feel pretty weird about it.

And to answer Shade’s question, this is a new thing for both of them, but they do seem to be spending more time “out of character” than in it.

For everyone else, thank you for your thoughtful replies. There was some real insight there, and I think it helped. Evil Captor raised an interesting point, in that there seem to be a lot more submissives, of both genders, than there are doms. From my observations, this is most likely true, and for some reason pointing it out makes me think a little more deeply about what my friend’s needs/desires are. I confess I can’t understand them, but I think I have a better idea of what questions to ask. Also, hansel’s point about the negative aspeects of the experience being somehow essential to it make a certain level of sense, though I must admit I’m having a hard time getting that one for myself.

Also, while I’ve heard the case made (as it has been here) that the submissive actually has the control in D/S scenes, I’m not sure I entirely buy into it. It seems to me that the dom has the majority of actual control, while the sub has veto power over anything. Control and direction of the scene are taken on by the dominant partner, but the submissive one does have the power to end it. I don’t think that means that the submissive one has all the control or even most of it, though I think I understand why some people see it that way. Depends on your perspective I guess. From mine, each participant has aspects that they control.

For what it’s worth, I agree with EC and Tris that there are other, far more destructive and pervasive elements in society, including (though not limited to) the Promise Keepers, Celebrity Deathmatch, Fear Factor, and most reality television shows.

I guess what this has made me realize is why I find D/S play so distasteful to me personally. As Thudlow Boink has pointed out, it’s the factor of humilation and dehumanization which bothers me deeply. I would never want to humiliate someone else like that, nor would I want to be humiliated in such a way. Sex for me is a very powerful, enriching, beautiful experience, and I can’t help but feel that such treatment would turn it into something cheap and unpleasant, for both me and my partner.

To put it a different way, what is the difference between my friend submitting to the rough ways of her partner and the wife who counts the cracks in the ceiling while her husband heaves away on top of her? Both have given their consent, and neither seems to be getting much out of it. Perhaps it is not “slavery,” but I still can’t help but feel that it degrades the person who’s submitting to the other. But then, maybe that’s the point. shrug I confess I don’t know.

I can accept that not everyone sees it this way, and that’s fine. Far be it from me to condemn on general terms what others get off on… lest my own tastes be equally condemned!

However, speaking only for myself, I doubt I will ever understand why my friend seeks out such treatment from her partner. She’s a bright, funny, strong individual, and I’m having a hard time reconciling that with the one holding her leash in her teeth and being referred to as “it.” It’s an almost schizophrenic view of her that I’m having a hard time reconciling.

16

I agree. This would seem to suggest that it is more a an aberration or “Hicup” in our social evolution than anything else (which is why it is hard for me to take seriously. I know others do, but to each, its own I guess)

Bippy,

I don’t know. My ExSO seemed pretty mature at the time (In fact, that’s what appealed to me enough that I took option on its initial offer for a relationship), and I would hardly call it naive.
As for the demise of the situation, like any other catastrophy, there were a number of factors involved, of which I believe its issue with D&S was just a small one. What’s odd is that since the two of us have a daughter together, I do of course speak to it on a regular basis, and it will tell anyone that cares to listen that it no longer engages in such practices. In fact it told me that I just had that effect on it, go figure. Whats funny about that is that I have recently terminated another such endevour over similar issues, albeit on a smaller scale (I guess when you can see something coming, the bullet becomes easier to dodge…)
I am hoping however optimistically, that this is the last such occurence for yours truly.
Again, I don’t have a problem with other people being involed in such activity, I just do not wish to be included. I know a lot of people like all that, but for me, it just seems so… …one dimensional. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Or do I just expect to much, lol…

Cheers then.

17

Hmmmm. There are a couple of very long posts here, and I’m not sure I can respond doing them justice; please forgive me if I’m awfully scattershot. A few brief notes first, and then some later comments.

First of all: specific practices such as the ones you mention as part of the explicit interactions mentioned are by no means universal or even necessarily the majority in BDSM circles.

Second of all: D/S, S/M, and bondage are all separate kinks, as is humiliation. Enjoying one of them does not necessarily imply that one is “into” all of them; enjoying several of them does not mean that they are related at all, let alone related in the way that you might find most intuitive.

Thirdly: Not all BDSM practices involve “scenes”. Nor are all people who do BDSM or related things doing 24/7 or lifestyle interactions.

Fourthly and finally: Not all BDSM people are into sex clubs. Exhibitionism is also a separate and unrelated kink. I would not be surprised if there were pressure at a lot of such places to engage in more outre and “shocking” behaviour as a means of accruing status points, just because human beings seem to be like that a lot.
Personally, I have a hard time seeing d/s structures as being any more like slavery than going to work in a nine to five. You have to submit to the heirarchy. In some systems if you don’t meet your boss’s standards in whatever way you get punished. The power gradient is complicated and convoluted, and when looked at simplistically seems to go one way. You can live your job all the time or put it away out of the office. Most of the time, if you think you’re being messed with or treated in a way you don’t like, you can leave, and if you can’t, it’ll get called abusive. There’s “Submission to a dominating influence” for you, huh?
Me, I’m a sub/switch. I consider this part of my sexual orientation. I don’t expect anyone else to necessarily understand it, any more than I expect anyone else to share any other aspect of my sexual orientation. I like to dom occasionally, but not too often; I’m a domineering bitch by default, and it’s nice to give it a rest sometimes.

You know, I don’t think I can write this any better than I wrote to my boyfriend, with whom I have been discussing this on and off for a while. So I’ll just pull out what I said to him and quote it here.

That’s d/s to me. Handing over the trust, handing over the control, and coming out with that sort of intimacy.

Note that I have neither the exhibitionism kink nor the humiliation one.

18

Then, according with your own definition, submission isn’t related with slavery, since the submissive isn’t deprived of her freedom of action or of will (she can walk out of the relationship at any time).
And concerning the scenes you described, the anal sex thing, for instance, the fact she didn’t feel any sexual pleasure doesn’t mean that she didn’t mentally enjoy them (and D/s has much more to do with your inner, mental and pleasurable feelings). Yes, she was sexually used. And a lot of submissive women like to be sexually used. And she was publically put in a degrading situation. And many submissive women like to be publically humiliated.
Now, keep in mind that a Dom has to make sure that his/her partner is enjoying the experience (generally speaking…some people will enjoy it more if the Dominant don’t care about his/her partner desires, to an extent), and it could be that a particular practice which appears from the outside to be geared toward the pleasure of the Dom without regard for the desires/pleasure of the submissive is actually exactly the contrary. I’ve done things as a dominant I didn’t really enjoy because I knew my partner would, and I’m pretty certain that if you had seen those things you would have believed I was just “using” her sexually without regard for her feelings (and I think that in some cases my partner believed it too :wink: …it was the point, actually).
For the record, I’m occasionnaly (not exclusively) into D/s relationships, and male (a lot of people on this board seem to believe I’m female, due to my nickname).

19

I think this paragraph sums up best for me why the premise of my OP is flawed. Particularly the part that I bolded. I can understand that element, as sex in general for me is far more about my mental and emotional state, and that of my wife, than it is about physical sensation. The physical aspect heightens the emotional one, but the emotional one is always at the fore. I’m simply not one of those people that can separate sex from emotion, and so I can comprehend this, at least at a basic level.

I guess my conclusion is that my premise was flawed on general terms. I may find D/S play distasteful because it reminds me of slavery, but that doesn’t mean that those who participate in it feel the same. Or, perhaps they do but that’s their kink. shrugs I’m not fit to judge other people’s sexual tastes, and so I endeavor always not to do so. The point being that my distaste for it in practice doesn’t translate to a wider truth about D/S play… it just means I don’t like it. I also don’t like butterscotch candy, so I don’t eat it. Granted, seeing/hearing about D/S play bothers me on some level, but only in the same way that a disturbing movie or story might bother me. It doesn’t mean that I think those who participate in D/S are bad people at all.

And that said… Lilairen, may I compliment you on a beautiful, eloquent post? Not only do I feel that you’ve done justice to your own feelings about it, but you’ve also highlighted some things for me.

In one way, I feel much the same way about my sex life that you profess about D/S. This paragraph, for instance:

This is D/S for you, and yet this sort of powerful connection and powerful love is what makes sex good for me. Without that connection, sex is pretty meaningless in my book. (I know others differ with this, but I’m only speaking for myself).

But you also pointed out some things about D/S that wouldn’t do it for me, and most likely they are the reason that I don’t feel I understand it very well.

I think this is where I can’t get into D/S, on either side of the equation. I think I’m pretty much incapable of detachment during sex. My wife points out how, no matter where we are are what’s going on around us, I’m always focused on her when we’re having sex, her and her alone. And I think that’s true… that connection, the lust, the love, the whole package; it doesn’t “get in the way” for me. It is the way. Again, without that connection, sex loses it’s meaning for me, and so loses what makes it so wonderful.

I guess I prefer to let the desire to take over, to let the love and lust and emotion I feel for my wife overcome any intellectual detachment and just feel for a while. So much of my life is spent in the intellectual realm, it’s nice just to feel those sensations, those touches, those emotions, and forget about trying to be detached. Detachment is the turn-off for me, letting my emotions take over (and seeing my wife do the same) it what really gets us both going.

So, I guess when you described it as an act of creation, or craftsmanship, I can understand that aspect of it. But for me, craftsmanship and creativity aren’t about intellectual detachment, they are about emotional focus. They happen, when they happen, because my emotions are at the fore. For me, this applies to sex as much as it applies to writing or to art. My best experiences with all of these have been when I’ve forgotten about all my technical tricks and really let my emotions and connections take over. I guess it’s just a different perspective on the same idea, but it makes all the difference for me.

Anyway… thank you for a great post, Lilairen. It truly helped me understand a little more, I think.

And with that, I think I can consider my OP’s premise thoroughly debunked in general terms. Thank you all for some great responses. Feel free to continue to discuss, if you wish. :slight_smile:

20

I do not know much about dom/sub sex play or the S&M world in general, so I was not planning on posting in this thread. However, I was rather disturbed to see several posters say that if Avalonian’s friend must enjoy the way her partner treats her because if she didn’t, she’d leave him.

If this relationship has crossed the line from fun, consensual dom/sub play into abuse, then she would have the same difficulty leaving him as any other person in an abusive relationship. Plenty of people have put up with far worse violent and humiliating behavior than described in the OP because they were too afraid to leave the relationship. I couldn’t say whether or not this particular relationship is abusive, but the fact that she has not left him is not proof that it is not.