Is Domination/submission as complicated as it looks?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What? I have the day off!

So, I’m browsing around on the Internet this afternoon and came across the IMHO thread about ejaculating on women. As a female, I’d always been curious about this particular kink, too. It always seemed like a dog peeing on a tree to mark its territory, so I assumed it was something to do with domination.

So I googled that, got deeper into my search and wound up on a few Domination/submission sites. And my first impression was, damn, does that shit look complicated!

I’m assuming that, much like with regular sex, the general D/s population doesn’t use a lot of the equipment used on those sites - I had assumed it was generally a dynamic in the relationship. There were all kinds of things - ball gags, hooks, things to hold various orifices open or closed and clamps and clothespins of all kinds. It was a bit bewildering and very…unsexy. Plus, thanks to all the plastics used, many of the sites were distantly reiminiscent of a tupperware party. Well, if that tupperware party were down a very raunchy rabbit hole with the Mad Hatter as a very harsh master.

Anyway, knowing that we have some Doms/subs on the boards (and forgive me if I use the wrong terminology), I’m wondering if some of them could help me dispell some ignorance. Do any of you use such equipment? A lot of it or just some? Is it hard to find? And how do you know what to do with it? Yes, most seems pretty self-explanatory but some items - the ropes and hooks and such - seem complicated. Anyone care to elucidate on the common use of all this stuff and whether it is, indeed, at all common?

2

Someone more knowledge and experienced will be along shortly, I’m sure, but I thought I’d toss in my two cents. Domination and submission often goes hand-in-hand with bondage and sado-masochism (which is what the equipment is for) but it’s not a requirement. When a whole bunch of toys and such are being brought into it, it’s not just sex at that point. It becomes a “scene.” Fun, but not something that a person is going to do every single time he or she has sex. Additionally, some people may use all sorts of toys, play D/s games, and then never actually have sex or do anything that would necessarily seem sexual. I knew a man who wanted to be a footstool to his partner while he (the partner) watched TV and ignored him.

For a lot of things–such as rope bondage, suspension, sounds, cock and ball torture, electricity, needles, etc–there are workshops, videos and people who will do private lessons to show them how to do it safely and sanely. There are also FAQs and such on the Internet, but with anything that could be potentially dangerous it’s really better to have an experienced person explaining things before diving right in.

How complicated and elaborate some of it can get is actually part of the appeal, for some. There’s a sort of ritualization of it for some people.

People who aren’t into the bondage or sado-masochist side of things may simply play out a D/s relationship by giving over sexual control (or any other sort of control they want) to the dominant partner. Nothing more than a power dynamic needed.

3

As I’m not into D/s (OK, maybe a little), I can’t answer your questions, but I’d like to address your facials comment.

A lot of people assume that coming on a woman is for the purpose of domination or humiliation. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for my own experiences and from what I’ve heard others say.

It’s not about humiliation. Rightly or wrongly, I think a lot of guys see their jism as an extension of their sexual prowess or proof of their love and lust. They almost see it as part of themselves. (As my cite, note the number of guys on this board who would be hugely insulted by a woman that would spit rather than swallow.) Picture this: You’ve just come in a woman’s mouth, and she runs off to the bathroom to spit, brush her teeth, floss, and gargle, as if she’d just tasted the fowlest substance in the universe. A lot of guys would get really upset at that sort of behavior. It’s a rejection of sorts, and about as unsexy as it gets. So what would be the exact opposite of that? What would be an intimate, loving, sexy act? For the woman to accept, with enthusiasm, her lover’s man juice all over her mug.

No, it doesn’t make a lot of logical sense, but we’re talking about sex here.

4

I guess it’s true that there really is no end to the number of things that taste like chicken.

5

Eggsactly.

6

It’s as complicated (or not) as you make it. The only essential is the mindset; the trappings are optional.

7

Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, YMMV, safe/sane/consensual, etc.

Now then, down to business! Speaking for my own personal situation, we do have lots of toys, some of which get used more often than others. I can say, without a doubt, that if we had more time together - without work or the kids being a factor - we’d probably use everything in a pretty regular rotation. But as it is, we have two nights a month without the children here (and sometimes my husband ends up working those two nights) so we usually don’t use any extras. When you try to schedule it, it lacks the excitement that comes from spontanaeity, ya know?

Anyway, here’s what we have, in order from most-often to least-often used:
collar
wrist/ankle/thigh/waist restraints, and various chains and clips for different configurations
flogger
small butt plug
Whartenburg Wheel (aka pinwheel)
riding crop
“hitty thing” (very much like a cane, made of fiberglass)
clothespins
spreader bar

Most of the things I have are easy to find, but they do tend to run rather expensive, which is why some things are homemade - the hitty thing an the spreader bar - and some are ordinary items that I perverted for my own use - most of the connecting clips and chains came from PetSmart.

The thing with bondage and discipline - and sadism and masochism - (because that’s what this stuff entails, rather than dominance and submission) is that you have to be careful not to do serious damage to your partner. Honestly, I just figured things out on my own as far as tying my husband up, and beating him, relying on feedback from him as to how securely he could comfortably be tied, or how hard he needed to be hit. Common sense goes a LONG way in this area; don’t loop a rope around someone’s neck, don’t tie their ankles so tight their feet turn blue, don’t strike them directly over internal organs, that sort of thing.

As has already been mentioned, there are many ways to get instructions on how to play safely, from websites to books to hands-on learning. (And, of course, there’s that old standby the Straight Dope!) If you have any further questions, let us know. We’ll have you warped in no time! :wink:

8

I see that there are lots of manuals and videos on how to be a good Dom. What’s out there for the beginning Sub?

9

The Bottoming Book, that I can think of offhand.

10

freekalette…

…you got a picture?

11

Thanks for all the responses so far (even the ones about chicken - I’ll have to tell my husband that). I had figured that what I was seeing online was an inaccurate representation of both D/s and BDSM, given that the Internet is mostly used to convey porn rather than real life. I had suspected that one didn’t necessarily assume the other, but it’s hard to tell given that most places you think to look for information are looking to get you off rather than inform. (I generally have no problem with that unless I’m actually looking for information or, like I was earlier, simply astounded by all the accoutrements.)

Anyway, I have to ask you, freekalette, what is a Whartenburg Wheel and what is it used for?

12

One thing to answer the OP is that D/s is not B&D is not S&M.

While I think that domination and submission is significantly more popular than most people would think, it’s not generally practiced and people get their fix via fiction of some sort, rather than practicing it in real life. (E.g. woman and bodice ripper romance novels, men and standard porn (where the woman is pretty much always pretty darn submissive to the man–or at least rarely does the point seem to be to do what would be pleasant for her.))

So while those aren’t necessarily perfect, they do satisfy pretty much most people. Which leaves the hard cores who will decently likely enjoy BDSM to lesser or more extents, which essentially means toy play.

The other thing is that there is a small number of people who enjoy being dominant (regardless of the number of men who would like to think that they would) and much fewer who have any particular skill at being so. Most people are pretty scared of being entrusted with another person’s reins. But so there’s few enough that if they’re going to go into movie making or provide it as a service, they’re most likely going to get sucked into BDSM because the demand is higher than the supply.

For straight D/s though, you can do perfectly well just through your voice and posture as a dominant. And creativity. :wink:

Going by Google Images, it appears to be similar to a spur (circular spikey thing), but on a handle instead of a boot.

13

If you are familiar with sewing stuff, a Whartenburg wheel or pinwheel looks like a tracing wheel. It’s for “sensation play”–you run it over someone’s skin with varying pressure to cause prickly feelings or pain, depending on what you’re after.

14

Of which toy? :stuck_out_tongue:
Actually, there’s a pic of me posted in the last Doper picture thread, which I am far too lazy to look for. Feel free to shrink from it in disgust at your leisure.

As for the Whartenburg Wheel, ours is used for sensation play, as it gives a nice pokey/prickly feeling. It’s really a medical device used to guage pain response in coma patients. (Wanna play doctor? :wink: )

15

Hi. This is a topic which interests me quite a lot. Apart from the overt sexual satisfaction some people gain from these activities, there seems to be an emotional side to this which doesn’t get as much attention and which I find much more interesting. For the ‘sub’ in a relationship, it’s very important to feel that your ‘Dom’ is perfectly in control of you and also that you are safe. I’ve heard tell of ‘Doms’ who get little sexual satisfaction out of their arrangements - that some of them feel they’re providing a service to the sub, who needs to feel, for whatever reason, that control has been taken out of their hands.

Can anyone say anything more about that aspect of it?

16

Are you fucking kidding me? Your looks are somewhere between “the center of the sun” and “Satan’s sauna.” You ever need an extra participant in any of your “games,” you let me know.

17

Thanks, Argent, that was bizzarely sweet, and made my day.

1stFusilier, for me it’s very much an emotional thing, as opposed to a sexual one. (Good sex only affects me for as long as it lasts, but my submission never goes away.) It’s not so much that I need to feel that I don’t have control, but it’s definitely far more enjoyable when I am submitting. Actually, for me it’s not really about the loss of control so much as the servitude. Some have called this a “martyr complex” in direct reference to me on these boards before. As horrible as that sounds, it’s mostly correct. I love my husband with all my heart, and I want to do whatever I can to make him as happy as possible. Since he’s a sadist, that means I am willing to endure physical pain for him, because it gives him pleasure (and, vicariously, I gain pleasure through pleasing him.)

That’s the best description I can give on such a broad question, but if you want to narrow it down to specifics, I’ll gladly talk your ear off!

18

It’s a common saying around the D/s community that the sub has all the power. They can say no, it is usually the subs limits that dictate how far things can go, etc. (though I have said no to something a sub wanted, not to be sadistic but because it went beyond what I was comfortable with)

There might be Dom/Domme’s that feel the way you described, but I can’t say I’ve personally met any that expressed getting little satisfaction. Why stay if you aren’t enjoying it?

19

I’ve never done this, but what would most guys think if after the guy came inside her mouth, she got up and went over to him and gave him a nice, long kiss…without swallowing?

20

I imagine that it largely depends on the guy. My guess is that most would think it’s gross, but a few would really get off on it. Myself, I don’t think about it much one way or the other.