Question - isn't being a dom or master a lot of work?

In My Humble Opinion
1

No, really, it’s an honest question. It always seemed to me to be an inordinate amount of work. You know, come up with orders that are meant to be disobeyed. Issue orders. Have them disobeyed. Punish the sub.

Then you have to invent long and detailed punishments.

And what if you are one of those live-in master type of people? So, every time you come home, you gotta boss your significant other around? Tell them what to do. DOn’t you ever come home and maybe want them to take charge?

Don’t you ever get tired of being the “ideas” person?

Am I the only one who ever wonders things like this? I can’t be.

If the mods think this is too frisky…well, frankly, I’d wonder why, but their choice.

2

Exactly. Pimpin’ ain’t easy.

3

Yes. Yes it is. But you’ve heard the expression “labour of love” haven’t you? If They didn’t enjoy it They wouldn’t start doing it to begin with.

And once You’ve got Your sub trained well enough You don’t have to come up with new ideas every second.

Beyond that most people aren’t 24/7. i’ve never understood that myself. Yes, that must be exhausting.

4

And Askia, Domming ain’t pimping! Well, not usually, i guess unless He really needed a night off :stuck_out_tongue: .

5

You know, not everybody plays the “oh, you’ve been bad and I’ll have to PUNISH you” game.

That said, if you’re a Dom in a relationship, you’ve got a second source of ideas available to you-- your sub. You can either discuss things before a scene, or in the case of a 24/7 relationship, work around a conversation and figure it out.

Sub is short for submissive, not stupid-- we’ve got plenty of ideas of our own, we just don’t want to be the one carrying them out! (And if you as a sub can’t get across to your Dom what you want, or at least what you absolutely DON’T want, you ARE putting too much of the work onto him or her!)

Corr

6

I’m being a bit flippant, but it’s just in fun. I really am curious. I don’t really have much of a concept of a true dom-sub relationship other than what you see depicted in movies, and maybe erotica. So anything you can tell me is interesting to me.

7

Not really, I think it requires more imagination than work. This is all based on guesswork, so I could be way off, but here’s my take.

If you don’t want to do things then you can make your sub do them. For example, you can order your sub to pleasure him/herself. If you are tired of domming then you can hire someone else to help train/pleasure your sub. You can also play up the anticipation by getting them all hot and bothered, tie them down, and then go read the paper or something. Part of the fun of being dom is thinking up new punishments for your sub.

8

I once read somebody who was saying it’s the submissive partner who really benefits from a dominant/submissive relationship. Assuming the sub is deriving pleasure from submission, then all he or she has to do is relax and turn over all control of the relationship to the dom who has all the responsibility for making things work. Subs just have to do what they’re told and soak up the pleasure from doing so.

9

One thing I’d add that may be a LOT of work (or at least study)-- safety. Unlike anything else I can think of, safety is 100% the dom’s responsibility while in-scene, because if they’re doing a good job, the sub is “in sub-space” (i.e. not exactly thinking clearly, just having a good time).

Some of the safety stuff will be practice-- for instance, if your sub says they’re okay with “light spanking” then you have to figure out exactly what that means. You might practice some of the things you ask them to do, to make sure they’re possible, and see a little bit of how they’ll feel.

But some things will be more universal-- no matter how much fun it is to spank somebody’s behind, you need to be really careful not to hit their lower back (kidney area). You also don’t tie someone up in a way that restricts their breathing (i.e. with their face shoved into a pillow); you don’t ask someone to walk alone with their hands tied behind them because they can’t catch themselves if they fall. You don’t leave someone in a room alone, tied up. You keep bandage scissors (those are the scissors with a lower blade that has a blunt tip, used for cutting bandages off without nicking the skin) or some other method of quick release in case of emergencies.

And most of all, you don’t get such an ego-boost out of being a Dom that you push yourself into doing things that really, truly bother you. You don’t do yourself or your sub any good by making yourself uncomfortable or ignoring your own emotions and desires.

10

I was two years with my last Dom.
Once, I did asked him what benefits he was getting from being my dom, if he didn’t get bored, since he pretty much had to do all the work.

His answers:
-it’s really enjoyable to have some twenty-something warm body in your bed whenever and however you want it.
-it’s useful and nice to have someone to do things you do not want to do yourself or can’t be bothered to do this time, like, looking up something random trivia on the internet, fetching the chocolate, or a bucket to take a piss in (the bathroom was on another stage than the bedroom, so sometimes he didn’t want to get up from a warm bed to walk into the cold to the bathroom), to wash you in the shower, to keep you entertained when you’re bored at work and want some smut texte-messaged to you, to search for your favorite porn on the internet, etc

Being dominant is at the core of his sexual and love orientation, so he doesn’t find it tiring or real “work” at all, it makes him feel more whole and validated.
Sometimes he would make up these elaborate scenes or scenarios, or build things specifically for our play, he never found it tiring too, it was a lot of work, but it was also just plain fun for him to finally be able to be totally himself, since I was his first D/s relationship.

I also learned not to depreciate myself by thinking he was the one doing all the work.
As his sub I had to be totally atuned to my dom, what he liked, how he prefered things done, had to be ready for his phone calls at any moment and be quick to answer, to entertain him when he was bored or getting back from work, had to give him space when he wanted some (since i could have spent my whole life glued to him), had to be totally transparent to him regarding all my feelings, had to never lie or “forgot” to tell some things, had to listen to him and follow what he wanted me to do, and had to actually OBEY him without putting a fuss.

Because we were dom/sub outside of the bedroom too, and it may be fun to obey your dom when he’s asking you for a blowjob, but when he has decided you had too much ice cream, been surfing too much the net, that he orders you to stop, and that even if you plead and beg and do puppy eyes, you truly realize you won’t have your way…well, it’s no fun.

But I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way :slight_smile:

11

Wow, fascinating. Thanks for the stories, guys…I’ll be back later.

12

Without going into very much detail about my life, I can tell you that giving orders and seeing them obeyed and other aspects of Dom life can be EXTREMELY pleasurable. It’s silly to think that pleasure only comes from passivity. Additionally, I would also like to say that being a sub is a lot of work too, if you’re doing it right. Isn’t that kind of the point?

13

Where the hell is Evil Captor? For once we have a thread custom made for his particular crotchet and he’s nowhere to be found. YO! EC! Here’s one you don’t have to hijack, come on in and tell the people what they want to know!

14

Oh, that’s true. I’d like that. Evil Captor, you around?

15

Maybe he’s off being an Evil Captive today?

Great thread by the way. I’ve often wondered about this too and how does one know they’re a sub, or a dom? Do you wake up one day and just know? Or is it something that maybe someone pitches to you, you say “ok, I’ll try this” and off you go?

Sorry if that sounds flippant, it’s not meant to be.

16

I would say around the same day you wake up and realize you’re heterosexual (or homosexual). Of course like homosexuality, it may take longer to acknowledge it or put a name to it. But I’d say it’s pretty deeply ingrained, mosttimes.

17

I don’t think it is inborn like homosexuality or heterosexuality. I think it is created through external factors. There was an individual I know who is dom that has power control issues. For some of my friends who are sub, they enjoy the thrill and the pleasure of giving up control. They like the idea of trusting their partner so much that they trust them with their lives.

Some people know that they like BDSM at an early age and others are encouraged into it through friends/romantic interests. I first came across it online when reading erotic stories, but it never appealed to me. An RP character of mine developed a relationship with an individual who wanted to be dommed and I, being an adventurous type, tried it out. I got a lot of requests for domination after that and met a professional dom who wanted to train me. Since I prefer an egalitarian relationship, I never took up her offer. Between the dom and sub, I am a dom. The idea of being a sub does not appeal to me and I would only consider it in certain relationships and then we would be switches. If you are wondering if you would be dom or sub, then I would suggest trying out some of it out with your partner or reading erotic stories or viewing erotic pictures involving BDSM.

18

Hmmm…for the record I agree with that. I don’t think it’s inborn the same way basic orientation is. I meant more that a lot of people become aware of it that same time they become aware of they’re sexuality. That is when they start having sexual fantasies that’s the sort they have. At least that the case for a lot of people I know (and me). As noted, YMMV. People are complex :slight_smile: .