"Does my butt look big?" Women ... why?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

About four weeks ago, in the early stages of a sort-of-kind-of relationship with a nice woman I met online, popped a question out of nowhere.

Do you think I look hot?

Great. I was hit with the classic, stereotypical “you can’t win” affirmation, the same type of question that are a cliche of sitcoms involving dumb but loveable husbands. The question comes in many forms, among them “does my butt look big?” and “is she prettier than me?”

I refused to answer. She persisted. Finally, I fessed up, and told her what I felt. “No, you’re not hot. ‘Hot’ defines a certain look … revealing clothing, a very hip hairstyle, a lot of makeup, and a certain attitude. That’s not you. You’re cute, and I find you attractive, but you’re not dolled up like a clubgoing college student or a Fox News Channel anchorwoman. That doesn’t mean they look better than you on a quantitative scale of attractiveness; it’s just a different look.” (She’s a PhD, so it’s safe to assume she knew what I meant by “quantative scale.”) She seemed satisfied with the answer.

Last Tuesday, though, she called me on it. In the middle of an otherwise normal phone conversation, she asked “How come you don’t think I’m beautiful?” Huh? Where did this come from? “Four weeks ago, you told me that I wasn’t beautiful.” Lovely. Now I have to clarify that both she and I were discussing “hot”, and I’ll end up looking like I’m trying to cover up a past lie. I’ll also have to justify what I said again, and I’m just not up for it. In the days previous, it seemed like I couldn’t say anything right; she went from being someone I felt comfortable talking to about anything to a junior member of the offenderati.

Anyhow, that was the last time I spoke to her. I had an offenderati girlfriend before, and I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt like I not only had to walk on eggshells during conversation, but also feeling like I’m being tested with questions you can’t properly answer. Yes, there’s conflicts in every relationship, but it seemed like she was trying to create conflict where none existedbefore, for its own sake, either to test me or to introduce drama and make things more exciting in her eyes. Forget it; I’m lonely, but not that lonely.

So, women … why do you ask men questions where there is no good answer? “Does my butt look big?” If you answer “no,” you’re lying. If you answer “yes, but it looks fine to me” you’re an inconsiderate oaf. Should I have lied?

(Corrected thread title: ‘bug’ to ‘big’)

2

Rule #1: When you do something stupid, apologize.

Rule #2: When she does something stupid, apologize.

Seriously, I don’t know if I can be much help. I dug myself into a hole once when the GF asked me “Does my butt look big?”, to which I replied without thinking, “compared to what?”

3

I have nothing to offer other than memories of some phone company’s “Talk Freely on the Weekend” ad campaign.

Wife: “Does this dress make me look big?”
Voiceover: With whatever phone company we are this week, you get free weekend long distance, so you can talk freely.
Husband: “Oh, no, baby, it ain’t the dress. It’s your hips.”

4

Self-esteem is the answer.

I used to have a girlfriend who drove me nuts because I would say she’s cute. “Why do you always say I’m cute. Why don’t you say I’m sexy?” Well, for me cute is sexier than sexy, if that makes any sense. I totally dig cute girls far more than sexy girls. But how can you win with that argument? You just can’t.

I’ve found the only way to win in this situation is simply to lie or find another girlfriend who doesn’t have the same hang-ups. My aforementioned girlfriend, while touchy about the sexy vs cute issue, was cool with an honest answer about whether a particular outfit made her ass look big. (She wasn’t particularly big, about 130 @ 5’6", but did carry a lot of her weight on her backside—which was perfect for me, as I seem to have Sir Mix-a-Lot’s taste in women.) Some outfits fit her shape, some didn’t.

It’s just trying to figure out when girls want an honest answer and when they just want to feel sexy and wanted that can be difficult. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with those little white lies.

5

An ex asked me what I thought about her jeans. She had put on a bit of a “Freshman 30”, and, well, those jeans were not happenin’.

“Oh…they’re nice.”
“You like them?”
“Ye…eah, they’re nice jeans.”
“OK, you like the jeans. How do they look?”
(Why are you asking me??? You know damn well what I’m thinking, because you’re thinking it too! You won’t believe me anyway, so what…the…fuck??)
“You mean the jeans…or…or you in the jeans?”
“What do you think, goofball?”
“Permission to speak freely, ma’am?”
:rolleyes:
“Awright. Uhhhmm…I think the dark more stretchy pants you have would be better.”
“Why.”
“Why. Right. Well, you got VPL in those things…bad.”
“Yep.”
“So…that’s why.”
“That’s all?”
“What, you want more?”
“Yes. I honestly want to know…”
“You got some bulges here and there, too.”
“Bulges?”
“Well, yeah, I mean…you may want to wear a thong with those, because next to the VPL…you know, right around it…you’ve got these bulgy rolls and it’s just not flattering.”
“Rolls?”
“Look: I don’t…just forget it, OK? God, this was so stupid…”
“I do not have rolls.”
“You’re right. Just…let’s go, we’re going to be late. I don’t care about the jeans so…”
“Oh, you don’t care? So why the hell did you say I had rolls, like I’m some sort of Brahmin cow or something?”
“You asked, I answered. You don’t want an answer, don’t ask.”

Etc., etc.

I have no solution. If you lie, they know. If you tell the truth, they resent it. I suggest brainwashing yourself. Train yourself to believe whatever it is you know they want to hear, and then perhaps you might escape without injury. Think of it like you’re trying to beat a polygraph. Good luck.

6

There are some insecure, immature, mind-messing women out there. Your recent date sounded like one of them.
Then there are women like me, who really do want to know if these jeans make my butt look big.
I for one, like my jeans to make my butt look big, because as the Founder and President of the Bertha Butt Club, I have a reputation to uphold.

7

The Kobayashi Maru of relationships. If you try to take the path of least resistance your corpse will end up impaled on pointy sticks and your obituary will only state that they found skidmarks on your shorts. The only way to beat the test it to turn into the torpedos at flank speed.

“Honey, does this make my ass look big?”

The only right answer is to smile wide and state boldly, “Ooh baby, it does!” Extra points for a suggestive eyebrow waggle, wolf whislte or Roy Orbison Tiger Growl™.

8

Ah - the curse of the overly truthful. I’ve actually had this problem myself in past relationships - “Do you like how I dance?” “Well, no, your dancing sucks”

Maybe it’s self-esteem, and maybe it’s just that we learn to ask for reassurance in backhanded fashion, and often we don’t even know what answer we want until we don’t get it. I really think that we all do this from time to time, women and men.

Part of the trick to understand the underlying question that is really being asked, and to know in the first place that the question you hear isn’t the real question being asked. One good indicator is that loaded words are being used - fat, hot, or “big butt” for example. When you hear this type of word, you aren’t being asked for a factual answer or an impartial opinion, you are being asked if you value the person you are with.

Consider - fat doesn’t mean simply larger than average or even overweight. It means lazy, socially unacceptable, ugly, distasteful. Would you tell a person you are dating that you consider her one of these things? (And before you say “of course!”, most women have been in one or more relationships where they were told exactly that).

Obviously in your situation, “hot” meant something specific to you, and something entirely different to this person. Perhaps you should have asked her what she considered “hot”, rather than addressing the question from what you define as “hot”. I’m noticing a couple of people in this thread have very limited ideas of what a certain phrase means, but this seems to be leading to poor communication as y’all are holding on to your definition rather than understanding how the other person defines that idea.

Most importantly though, this is the time for a lavish compliment. If she asks if her butt looks big, tell her it looks just wonderful to you, and you wouldn’t want it any other way. If she asks you if you think she’s sexy, tell her she’s sexier than sexy (and leave out the bit about cute).

9

IME, people that fish for compliments are annoying and have a deflated sense of self-worth. Especially if these questions are coming right away in your relationship and not in a teasing, playing context.
OTOH, Chris Rock was right when he said your woman needs compliments! If she’s fishing for 'em, you’re not giving her enough of 'em. Not saying you should be showering her with them right in the beginning, but she shouldn’t really have had to ask you if you thought she was hot, right?
And I definitely do agree with the idea that her idea of hot is different than yours. You’re thinking of more like a style, and she’s just asking if you think she’s pretty. You probably shoulda just said yes.

10

There doesn’t seem to be room, though, for “I love you, just the way you are, but if I know you at all, I know you do not want to go to the party in those jeans.”

You know why? Because she doesn’t really care anymore about what you think. She’s already got you. Actually, she’s probably not even hoping to impress other guys at the party. She wants to impress the other girls at the party. You know why? Because if she looks fat in those jeans, they’re going to talk about it afterwards, and that conversation could get pretty ugly. You know why she knows this? Because she would do the exact same goddamn thing when one of her girlfriends shows up wearing jeans that make her butt look fat.

11

Well, then. Time to find a new girlfriend if that’s the depth of her character. I fucking CANNOT STAND women who constantly criticise the appearance of other women. It drives me batshit insane.

12

DUDE!!! You did what?!? :smack:

You should’ve have just said “Yes, you look hot.”, and that would have been the end of it. I bet the only line she heard was the one I bolded above. OUCH.

13

Yeah, well, that’s a problem that took care of itself, you might say…

14

I am female, and I don’t get it, either. But then again, I don’t particularly like (or claim to understand) most of the social dance-type things, and I wish people would say what they mean. Direct doesn’t have to equal rude.

When I try on a pair of pants and ask, “How does my butt look in these pants?” I want to know how my butt looks in that pair of pants.

When I want a guy to tell me I’m attractive, I come right out and ask for that.

peers at self To actually answer the question: girls are silly. :stuck_out_tongue:

15

I’m agreeing with Keapon Laffin here. You broke the first rule in the book, dude.

As far as the OP goes, I’d say this: I find that if I’m in a relationship I want to be in, I am in it because (among other things) I find the girlfriend in question to be beautiful and wonderful and awesome beyond belief. When women say things like “Do you think I’m hot?” or “Does this make my butt look big?” or whatever, it’s pretty obvious they’re asking, “Am I beautiful? Do you like me?” If a girlfriend asks me any of the above questions, I say whatever gets across the answer to their real question, which is “Yes, you are beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and great in bed to boot”.

16

My guess would be (and our OP can confirm or deny) that elmwood’s not particularly physically attracted to the woman in question, given his answer. Quickly going back to my example—if asked, I would always say “yes, you’re sexy, you’re hot,” quite simply because I did think so. I feel that every person I’ve been physically attracted to I would call “hot.” The complaint against me was that when I described her in my words, I’d use the word “cute” (which to me is better than hot.) But anyhow, back to you. I’m also guessing women do this as a way to ask “Are you attracted to me? Do you desire me sexually?” I mean, and maybe you’re different, if you really desire a woman carnally, you’re going to think she’s hot—even if she’s very plain by objective standards.

17

Questions like this always make me think of the Marcel Proust quote, “let us leave pretty women to men without imagination.” There’s no telling, though, how a woman on the receiving end of that answer might react to it.

18

I had a girlfriend ask me once:

“Do you even like me?”

to which I responded with:

“Of course I like you. I wouldn’t be fucking you if I didn’t…”

Her: :mad:

It sounded alot better when I said it in my head.

19

Ouch! “Do you even like me”? What the hell did you do to her, man?

20

I think troublmaker has the right idea. Don’t give them an oppurtunity to fish for a compliment. I always make it a point to compliment what they are wearing or how sexy they look. Depending on how well I know them I will talk dirty, something like wow! you have a sweet ass! So far I don’t remember being blindsided by this question. Perhaps I am just lucky though.