Does My Friend Have a Snowball's Chance in Hell With This Man?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi!

I have a friend who is interested in a man who is a fairly well-known entertainer. (She is very attractive, smart, fun to be with, etc.) She and her husband are separated and she confided to me about a year ago that one of her dreams in life was to meet this particular man.

Thinking that I know everything, I told her that wouldn’t be that difficult…so I put her up to starting a fan club for him. (Believe it or not, one of my friends who did this when she was 15, ended up marrying the guy she started it for when she was 30).

Anyway, she’s spoken to his agent and he’s interested, but wants to wait on making a final decision until a particular project is finished. (In a few months).

Long story short…she has met him several times over the past few months (always her dropping by his place of work)…they have hit it off to the point where he even embraces her when she leaves…but, that’s all.

He’s going to be in town for several more months. She works 1 block from where he is performing.

She doesn’t want to “hound” him about the fan club or website, but has quite strong feelings for him. She is a “normal” person with a “normal” job and a “normal” life, but she would like for him to…and you all knew this was coming…ask her out. She’s not obsessing over him or stalking him or anything like that. What’s she’s really looking for is an opportunity to get to know him well enough to see if there is any “spark” between them.

I don’t know what to tell her. I had trouble enough getting dates when I was single.

She doesn’t want to come on too strong and “scare” him…there are so many strange people in the world and you know that performers get “invitations” all the time. How can she work this so that if the answer is “no” she can save face? She knows that this is going to be hard to do (she’s not used to being this forward), but feels that she will kick herself in the behind for years to come if she doesn’t give it a try.

But what should she do? I told her the next time she sees him, to give him a big smile and say, “I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together so much… It would be great to get to know you better. Would you like to have a cup of coffee?”

Here’s what you need to know about them. They grew up just a few blocks away from one another, but never met. He’s in his early 40’s, she’s in her late 30’s. They are both single. He is not known as a “playboy”…he got out of a long term relationship 2-3 years ago and hasn’t been “linked” with anyone seriously since.

I told her that I would ask the Dopers if they had any advice, because, frankly, I don’t know what to tell her. Do you guys have any thoughts?

Thank you so much!

2

I have very little dating experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but your idea of saying

sounds perfect. It’s casual enough so I don’t think he’d construe it as stalking or as her be obsessive, and it’s just seems like a good way to know someone. Hope that helps.

3

Why be coy? She could end up spending the rest of her life wishing she’d spoken up, but let her pride and wanting to “save face” get in the way. The worst thing he could say is he’s not interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Asking him out for coffee or lunch is a great way to see if he’d be interested, and it doesn’t seem “pushy” at all.

Though I’m sure it would be difficult for her, she shouldn’t let the notion that he’s a celebrity influence her. Celebrities are just normal people who happen to have a job where people recognize them. She should treat him just like she would any guy.

4

Agreed.
To further “save face” maybe she could couch it in project-related terms. Like, “Hey, I’m hungry, do you want to discuss <whatever> over lunch?” Choosing a time when she knows he’ll be free, or leaving it open.
They have at least some working relationship, and the childhood connection…it doesn’t seem that offering a friendly social-type invitation would be pushy at all.

5

Thank you all. I have told her that the fact that he’s a “celebrity” shouldn’t put her off…truly, I have met him several times and he is very nice. It’s just that the possibility of rejection is there and she’s afraid. I would be to. When I was single, I put myself out there with a man and he turned me down. The memory still stings…but, you guys are right…nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can see where she is drawn to him.

For years he was a handsome face, but not a “real” person. Now that they’ve met and she’s drawn to the “real” person, I think that she should go with her heart. It sounds like such a cliche, but “no pain, no gain”. It’s worth the risk in this case.

I wanted to ask the Dopers what they think because I think this is one of the smartest, most astute group of people alive.

Thanks again…

6

OK, now will you tell us who he is??
And truthfully - men put themselves out there all the time asking women out, so I guess fair is fair.
Not that it’s ever easy…

7

I’m sorry…but, I can’t say who he is. Sorry…sorry…sorry.

8

No, your friend doesn’t have a chance.

She sounds a little needy or clingy to me. I haven’t even met the woman and I’m already put off by her.

That is of course unless said celebrety is a “C” lister and yor friend really is hot then, maybe.

All I can say is I certainly wouldn’t be dating anyone that wanted to start a fan club about me.

9

Luckily, it’s probably not a situation you’ll ever have to deal with.

10

Matt Damon married a woman he met when she was tending bar. Jon Stewart’s wife is a vet tech he was set up with. Their wives are pretty but not excruciatingly hot or anything. Not all celebrities need to date and marry supermodels or other famous actors. Sometimes they actually like regular folks.

How does she sound needy? She sounds like a person who knows what she wants and does what she has to do to at least get close to it. Hot is also a very subjective concept.

It’s fair to say it’s probably unlikely to work out as she dreams it will, but you can’t blame her for trying. Who knows what could happen? Also, it seems like a weird sort of self-loathing, to reject someone who started your fan club, kinda like Groucho Marx’s “I wouldn’t want to join any club that would have me as its idol” philosophy. Maybe this guy likes it when people like him.

11

True, but niether started a “Fan Club” about their adoring husbands. (even still, this is a thread that is generalizing. Your stating exceptions to the norm)

Ok, I mistated. I should have said insecure. Which isn’t exactly an attribute if noticed in celeb GFs

First off, I absolutely wouldn’t blame her for trying. Quite the contrary.

As far as that self-loathing bit goes? Well, to (most) celebs image is everything. Let’s say for example the celeb in question was Brad Pitt. Do you really think we want’s to see on the cover of Entertainmean weekly "Brad Pitt dates President of his own fan club! read more about the former stalker turned girlfriend inside!"

The OP asked a straight foward question: “Does my friend have a chance?” To which I will now capitulate:

Sure she does, but the odds are:

99.99% no

00.01% yes

But hey, don’t let that stop you. Even though the friend in question doesn’t want to get rejected.

12

Since when does founding a fan club=stalking?

13

Please allow me to jump in at this point. The man in question is not Brad Pitt, nor on Brad Pitt’s level of “stardom”. It is someone in the public eye, whose work is well-regarded. If I gave his name (and please understand that I can’t…), 30% would know him by name, the rest would say, “Oh yeah, I saw him in that…he’s been in a lot of things…”. He is at best, a B level celebrity…perhaps C at times. But he works regularly and has been involved in quite a few prestigious projects.

My friend is very attractive and has never had a problem getting men to pay attention to her. She has a great, yet normal job and is considered…ahem…kind of hot. She’s slender, tall (but shorter than he is) and stands out from a crowd.

Admittedly, the fan club thing was/is cheesy, but what else was I going to tell her? It was successful in that when she first met him and introduced herself he knew exactly who she was and was glad to meet her.

Believe me, if People Magazine got ahold of this, it would get bumped for a much bigger story.

You can be as negative as you want. We (she and I) need to hear your thoughts good and bad. We wouldn’t have asked if we didn’t want to know.

By the way, asking about my friend isn’t a thinly veiled guise…I’m not the one who is interested in him. He’s nice…but, even when I was single, isn’t my type.

14

I would go with your coffee speech if she is sure she wants to ask him out. Seems like a reasonable way to approach things.

Still, I have to admit that I’m a little skeptical about this thing working out.
Yes, the fan club is a good way to get your foot in the door, but if I were him, I might feel weird about dating the prez of my own fan club. It might make him look rather narcissistic.
Plus, since she obviously must like him a lot if she wants a fan club about him, it might make him wonder if the relationship will be unbalanced from the get-go with her being way more into him than vice versa.

There are definitely times when it’s good to make a risky leap of faith and see how it goes rather than living your whole life wondering “What if?”. But then there are also times when it’s better to just try to enjoy a relationship for what it is, even if that means it’s not the kind of relationship you’d really like to have…so I hope she is really prepared to trade the fantasies and excitement of admiring him from afar for the small chance that it will work out.

That being said, I definitely hope that all goes well for her. I think it’s kinda cool that she actually got close enough to him to even be able to consider asking him out. :slight_smile:

15

I’m racking my brain because I know there’s at least one celebrity who did marry a fan and it worked out. I just can’t remember who.

Not quite the same thing, but my favorite performer aquired his long-time personal assistant because the guy was a huge fan. He had “World’s Biggest Fan” cards printed and handed them out and he had a huge memorabilia collection. After a while, he got to meet the performer. He started off by just kind of hanging around and eventually being accepted as a guy who was just “there”. He did little stuff, running for food etc and when the paid PA job came up, he was asked if he wanted it. Been there ever since. The same performer married a dancer from his stage show. That shouldn’t have gone anywhere - big star and little nineteen year old dancer - but thirty years later it’s still going strong. Go figure.

I think it’s worth a try. Here’s an idea. If they’re close in age, do they have any mutual friends from the old neighbourhood? Perhaps if she got ahold of one of his old buddies, she could suggest coffee and a bit of catching up between the three of them. Might be an easier way to break the ice. Hey, how about older siblings? Has she got any that might know him?

16

There are 6 billion people on Earth. So IF dating a celebrity has a frequency of one in a billion, it would happen 6 times, just because of the sheer size of the human population. Or using your prediction of .01% that still gives us 60,000,000 people hooking up with celebrities.

17

I’ve got it!

You friend is deeward and the celebrity is Engelbert Humperdink!

18

It’s the Gary Numan story! (Yeah, don’t worry American folks, you haven’t heard of him.) He married a member of his fan club. Still is married AFAIK.

19

Uh- “here in my car, I feel safest of all…” yeah, we know that he did that song!

Granted- not much else.

Heck, I’m surprised he’s straight but that’s because he reminded me of Klaus Nomi.

20

My advice would be for her to modify her little speech by starting out:

“You know, when I started this club it was because I thought you were a really fine [actor, singer, artist, author, whatever], and I suppose it didn’t hurt that you’re pretty hot to look at (assuming he is). But now that I’ve actually gotten to know you, I’ve really come to like John Doe, the human being. You’re actually quite a nice, interesting guy - who knew?”

and then go into the coffee invitation or whatever. That will to some extent ameliorate the concept of ‘fan club founder’ = 'desperate woman who will do anything to get attention from this guy," especially the “who knew” at the end, which indicates that his being likable comes as a surprise. It might help save a little face, too.

Just a thought.