Sorry, OP, but there really is no testing these things out. “YMMV” is the best advice you are going to get here. If we women were all the same, then certainly some entrepreneurial spirit would have made a checklist for you guys.
You’ve mentioned a few scenarios that, in my experience, easily point to a platonic relationship and nothing more.
I’m a pretty good example. I’m a woman with mostly guys for best friends. I have not had a single best friend that didn’t profess undying love to me at some point.
Yes, there were always long conversations, nights out drinking, nights in drinking, etc. But when I suspect the best friend is feeling more than what I’m feeling, I do make it a point to talk about my ideal mate (ie, point out the traits I like in a guy that clearly, best friend does not have). This won’t stop someone who is already emotionally invested though and so far, it hasn’t exactly worked the way I hoped it would. But at least I give them clarity. If they ever thought I was sending mixed signals by accepting their companionship and friendship, well, then they pretty much heard it from my mouth in black and white that I’m not interested.
And so then no surprises when they make the jump to asking me out. It will be a no. Most people will “have” to say these things regardless of the odds. The heart wants what it wants.
In the end, I’ve remained best friends with almost all.
So here’s the advice I can give: go for it, but if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, quickly steer back to friend mode. Quickly. Time and space just allows for more time and space for awkwardness to develop. Make a joke. Say you were kidding. Anything.
Here’s a novel thought: ask her. I know, wacky like Jerry Lewis in a Paris funhouse, but hear me out:
You clearly have an interest in this girl beyond just being a friend, or you wouldn’t be thinking about this. Now it’s all well and good to want to “preserve our friendship”, blah blah blah, but the fact is that as long as you’re with her (in a “friendly way”) and she doesn’t give any definitive positive, or rather, negative, indicator of her further interest, you’re still going to be thinking in the back of your mind, “Hmmm…I wonder if buying me a cappuccino is her way of professing her undying love for me?” (Likely answer: no.)
So here’s what you do: you talk to her. Tell her that you have some interest in her, and wonder if it is reciprocated. Don’t give her the easy out of giving you some half-nonsensical response that tells you nothing; you get the real answer. Either she says “Yes”, and you schedule a date and deal with all the reprecussions of that, or she says “No”, and you backpedal frantically while claiming that you can deal with that and you’ll still be friends and all that. Will it affect your future relationship with her? Sure; there’s no reweaving a rent cloth, but what of it? At least you’ll know, and any honest friendship possible can be built on that. Harboring an unexpressed, unrequited affection for someone plays well in romantic comedies, but so does blatant stalking behavior and rampant lying.
Subtlety has it’s place in art, cool jazz, and allegorical prose, but in romance, it’s best and most impressive to just be clear about it.
You need to find another chick with which to hang out. If she gets jealous, bring up the “uhm but you’re not my girlfriend/you have a boyfriend” aspect of it. Then continue the talk from there.
I don’t think so. I would have noticed something like THAT.
Has it now? What are you referring to, exactly?
Wow. Prostitutes? That one piece of advice I wasn’t expecting.
That wouldn’t do it for me. All it amounts to is assisted masturbation and I don’t need assistance with that (my forearm muscle is the size of the Hindenburg).
I’ve never sought or had sex with someone I didn’t like. It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy a nice lay with a cute girl, I just seem unable to go through the required preliminaries (such as talking to her).
Your suggestion certainly has merit. But you make it sound too easy. I have no female friends in this area. I’m supposed to meet a new girl and convince her to hangout with me? And I suppose I’d have to actually enjoy her company or I’d just be manipulating and using her before I start ignoring her when she’s not needed anymore. That sounds like a tough thing to do
Thank you! I was reading through this thread just waiting for someone to say that.
To the OP, just say something like, “I don’t know how serious your current relationship is, and I don’t want to intrude on that, but I like you, and I’m interested in going on a date with you. If you don’t want to, no harm no foul.” Trust me, unless she’s some kind of drama-psycho, the worst potential outcome is that you feel a few seconds of awkwardness as she replies, “I’m flattered, but my boyfriend and I are exclusive right now.” The world is not going to end.
Actually, that sounds just like the spirit of inquiry that pervades the SDMB.
Here’s the thing: you’ll never really know if she likes you, maybe *not even * if you ask her. Personally, I think you’re someone safe that she can hang around with and keep the attention of, but not commit to. But she may not even know.
But some of these experiment ideas are fun, if you really don’t care how it all turns out.
As a woman, I don’t hint for roses or chocolate from anyone who I didn’t like.
Ask her 2 questions: how she and her boyfriend are doing, and if so, how is the relationship doing–getting more serious? That is her big opportunity to give you a big, indirect “hint” if she does like you. Listen very carefully.
I believe she does like you, and I think your next step is to bring a bottle of tequila/jagermeister next time instead of wine. It oughta take care of itself from there.
Jager? :eek: I sort of liked a guy and therefore gave into “here, try this, you’ll like it!” Once I finished throwing up the next day, I was over him. Encouraging a girl to drink something that might well lead to throwing up more than 1/2 times in a few hours is no way to win her heart.
fimy I couldn’t hazard a guess from your examples if she likes you or not. But dre2xl has a sound idea. If that’s too direct for you, it’s the week after Valentines. Ask her what her boyfriend got her for Valentines. If things between them are going well, you’ll be able to tell from her reply.
Nah, I know for certain she’s not making him up. As a matter of fact, he’s coming to the U.S for spring break and taking her to puerto rico.
She also told me that she was marrying him this summer and invited me to the wedding. It is somewhat of a paper marriage that would allow her bf to move to the u.s (he’s european) and have a work permit. She also told me she was nervous about the idea.
I also know she feel guilty for not loving him like he loves her. She said so on two or 3 occasions.
To all those who advise me to simply ask her, I’d like to say: Yes. I see your point. That’s what I would do if I was 15% or 20% sure but really, given the facts above and many other things, It’s a 5% thing (and maybe I’m being optimistic). Plus, I don’t think the timing would be good right now. If I’m still not sure by then, I’ll definitely do it sometime after spring break. In March I’d say. Or anytime before then if something happens that makes me re-estimate my chances.
I only got one shot at this. With such bad odds, I’d like the conditions to be as favorable (or at least, not unfavorable) when I confess my undying love and whatnot (I kid about the love. Though one kiss from her would probably take care of that, I am ashamed to admit.). In my defense, she’s very pretty. I am a sucker for smart pretty girls. And she’s my type to boot. I am but a man afterall. I must be forgiven my weakness.
PS: I am partly enjoying the wait. Maybe it’s the catching up on all that high school drama I missed. Hopes going up and down, the attraction of the forbidden (or in this case, the unavailable)and so forth.
Last Friday night was your chance. She wanted you (and just you I am assuming) with a bottle of wine and your place? This meant she wanted you to try something. I gather you didn’t. You get very few of these opportunities before you become nothing more then a friend. This was a freaking foghorn of a signal, one that you did not act on. If you like this girl, and this sort of offer comes up again (by this sort of signal I mean alcohol/you alone/either one of your places) you MUST try something, or forget about it forever. This is what we call a “golden opportunity”. Girls do NOT want to hang out alone with a (straight) guy with a bottle of wine just 'cause. Yes guys and girls can hang out alone, but with wine? Hell no.
As to this guy who she “loves” and is going to marry so he can get his green card or whatever, umm… Fuck him, who gives a shit about him? Is he your friend? If he was on a jury could you count on him to vote not guilty regardless of the glove fitting? You have no responsibility to him, only to yourself. Being the one the person in the relationship cheats with is NOT your problem.
To reitarate:
Alcohol + you two alone + a place = booty call at the very worse
Guy you don’t know + hot smart chick = what guy?
She wants you, but she won’t for long. Act now or forever hold your peace.
if this guy is coming to america you have to make your move before then. save him the trip. spare the girl the working up of emotions (who knows, looking forward to eduardo coming could rekindle old feelings for him?)
Since you have missed the signs already, you might not get another chance after this. Just do it tomorrow. It’s obvious she’s hesitant about the marriage. Now is the time. What have you got to lose? What have you got to gain? Just do it! And tells us all how it goes tomorrow.
This has to be the worst advice I ever heard! Too funny. Bravo! Encore! Encore!