It’s how you named them that was the problem. I’m willing to take your word for it that you don’t have a problem with kinky relationships and kinky sex, but if that’s so, you might want to look at how you’re describing the people and practices you apparently don’t have a problem with. There are more appropriate ways to talk about people that don’t involve calling them freaks and referencing the most extreme examples of relevant behaviour - not all words are the same.
Just as not all DV services are the same - and people looking for support to escape an abusive relationship don’t need to run into people that will dismiss them as piss drinking freaks. The BDSM-specific advice bodies that you seem to dislike will have more information on which local facilities are more or less likely to be supportive. It’s not complex, I don’t think.
What is the polite word for piss drinkers? If there is a PC word, I honestly have no idea what it is. “urophile,” maybe? Would it have been less insulting if I’d said there any any special DV shelters for urophiles?
The shelters are the shelters, and quite often, there’s only going to be one of them.
Please, that is blatantly disingenuous. Do you really think you can walk up to someone, call them a freak, and have them not be offended? If some random person walked up to you and called you a freak, would you assume that it was a term of endearment, or would you think that they meant to insult you?
Freak is a loaded, derogatory term, whether you choose to accept that or not. In this conversation, with a primary topic of DV, there’s no reason at all to call them “freaks” or to refer to specific kinks at all. “Kinky relationships” is perfectly clear, and doesn’t bend over backwards to be insulting.
matt_mcl handled the rest beautifully. You can read it, or you can dig in your heels. Digging in your heels doesn’t make you right, it just makes you stubborn and willfully blind to reality. Your choice.
Don’t fetishists frequently use the word “freak” themselves? Would it have made a meaningful distinction my point if I’d said “fetishist” instead of “freak?”
I used examples of other kinks to make the point that it’s silly to expect that emergency DV services will cater to the specific sexual kinks of the victims. Being into BDSM is as irrelevant in the emergncy as having a foot fetish or being a stamp collector. As has been demonstrated, all calling KAP will get you in a DV emergency is 911 and the same 800 SAFE numbers as for anybody else. There aren’t specialized, individualized numbers for kinky sex practicioners.
Well, multiple people have already demonstrated that you’re factually wrong on every count in the above sentence (see matt_mcl for why it’s relevant, see the KAP database and the NLA Domestic Violence Project for specialized services). We’ve also established that we’re not talking about a 911-level emergency. (I’ve said it three times now – if she were in imminent danger why would Scupper post on a message board instead of calling 911? This is not relevant to the situation we’re discussing.) The NLA even has specific materials on how to create an escape plan. So what are you still arguing about?
I disagree. matt_mcl’s posts were very clear about why it’s relevant. And you only need to look at the links for KAP and the NLA DV Project to note that they offer specialized services. They say so, right on their webpages.
Don’t know what thread you’ve been reading, but it’s all there in black and white.
This is false. They do NOT offer any specialized emergency DV services. They just give the standard 800 numbers. Read your own links.
No matter how relevant you think sexual kinks may be during a DV emergency, that still isn’t going to make specialized services magically appear. They don’t exist. End of story.
I did read them, beyond the sidebar on the first page, even.
NLA DV Project contact page:
Emphasis mine.
Then there’s the KAP list. Search for “domestic violence” and you get a list of professionals who specialize in it. Try it! It’s amazing!
And y’know, I’ve dealt with the whole 911-emergency thing three times. Feel free to re-read, because I doubt saying it a forth is going to have any greater impact.
Just to note, that if she were in immanent danger when this thread was started, four days ago, I think by now we may be a little too late to deal with emergency preventative/diversionary measures. We are looking at crafting an escape plan. A plan requires… wait for it… planning. Read any DV service organization’s website – any of them at all – for why crafting a plan is a better idea than just walking out the door with no idea what happens next.
And escape plans generally, at some point, incorporate the advice and services of DV professional caseworkers of some kind; for which she’d be better served (and feel free to re-read matt_mcl’s posts on this) by someone with a background/training/familiarity with her particular needs.
So we agree, there are no special emergency DV services just for people who have sex fetishes. They will give you ordinary DV contact information if you call them. Everything else is for AFTER the victim is out of danger, not before.
Since no one ever argued that point, you are railing against nothing. You have set up a strawman and repeatedly tried knocking it down, and you’ve failed at that as well.
There are DV services for various alternative lifestyle communities. That’s what this thread is about, nothing else. There are a host of different services and organizations that deal with this. This isn’t about calling 911.
No one’s done anything BUT argue with what should have been a very obvious point. If she needs to escape, then it IS an emergency situation, and nothing else matters until she’s out. The kink organization cannot physically get her out. All it can do is give her the contact information for the same services that anybody else would get.
As I keep saying over and over again, all I’m disagreeing about is who to call first. If she needs to get out of danger, then that has to be the first call.
That’s what you’ve been talking about, but it’s not even what Scupper asked for:
And yes, I disagree with you that 911 should be called first, unless she is in imminent danger. If he is battering her to death right fucking now, of course you call 911. That isn’t what we’re talking about here. If she wants good odds at successfully and permanently escaping, she needs a plan first. She will be able to make a better plan with the help of the resources pointed out in this thread.
It does her no good at all to walk out of the house if she ends up back there two weeks later. In an emergency, of course you’ll have to figure out mid- and long-term plans on the fly, but plans tend to be less effective when thrown together last minute. If you don’t have a choice, last-minute is better than nothing. If you do, specialized support services are a much better way to go.
And frankly, I just think it’s more civilized to answer the question that was asked, rather than pretending he asked something completely different.
Dio, I have a serious question for you: what is the usual process for finding refuge in a DV shelter? Have you any experience as a client or worked in one? (so, ok, that’s two questions. )
But I think, unless she’s actually in danger of dying, the first call would be better placed to one of these organisations to help her make a longer term plan before she runs away, rather than leaving everything she owns in a panic and then maybe trying to get it back again later, while she’s homeless and trying to find an advocate who understands a bit about her situation and being terrified of her sadistic ex-partner, and probably broke on top of all that.
If she has the time to do a bit of planning before she leaves, she can make the leaving easier and more practically useful, and these organisations can advise her about those details - things to take with her, how to do it, that sort of thing. Plus they can encourage her to actually leave, if the situation she’s in is far beyond the kind of thing she thought she was agreeing to, and reassure her that it’s ok while understanding where she’s coming from - that’s why their particular experience matters.
**Dio **certainly knows how to provoke reactions from the people on this board. Why do you continue to engage him time and time again? Have you people *never *come across him on this board before? The second I saw he had replied in this thread I knew immediately it would become a multi-page back and forth between him arguing his point and never wavering, and all you guys trying to convince him otherwise.
Read what I am saying carefully: You. Will. Not. Convince. Him. To. Change. His. Mind.
It’s actually kind of funny now how easily he can guarantee the exact same scenario will occur in whatever thread he posts in.
Actually, no, I hadn’t come across him being quite so… focused. I hadn’t wanted to assume he was reacting that way deliberately, but if you say he often does this, I shall bear that in mind.
)