Domestic Problems and Alternate Lifestyles

[Cat_Fight]

A very basic list of question’s from this link regarding BDSM and domestic violence (with additional information specifically on this topic):

• Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
  • Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
  • Are you afraid of your partner?
  • Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
  • Has she or he ever violated your limits?
  • Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
  • Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
  • Do you feel obligated to have sex?
  • Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
  • Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
  • Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
  • Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
  • Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
  • Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
  • Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
  • Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
  • Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
  • Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
  • Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

[Telemark]

@Eyebrows_0f_Doom

Read what I am saying carefully: You. Will. Not. Convince. Him. To. Change. His. Mind.

You are, of course, right. I’ll just stop responding to him because he’s clearly not interested in a discussion or helping the OP in any meaningful manner.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@missred

Dio, I have a serious question for you: what is the usual process for finding refuge in a DV shelter?

Showing up.

Some places will send people to help you get out if you need it.

Have you any experience as a client or worked in one? (so, ok, that’s two questions. )

No, but my wife has done DV work as a social worker.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@Telemark

You are, of course, right. I’ll just stop responding to him because he’s clearly not interested in a discussion or helping the OP in any meaningful manner.

I’m the only one who IS trying to help the OP. the rest of you are just wallowing in a bunch of sanctiminious, PC indignation and talking out of your asses.

If she’s in the house with a batterer, she needs to get out first before any of the other stuff matters. If she goes to a shelter, they will take her. They aren’t going to ask her about her sex kinks, and the sex kink people don’t have their own shelters.

[Cat_Fight]

I’d recommend the OP (and ideally his/her friend) check out this week’s Savage Love podcast. The second caller is into BDSM and tried it with a boyfriend who’s got rage issues, turning it into pretty much an excuse for him to abuse her then get mad when she complains about getting hurt. Worth a listen.