Don't be afraid...I use my powers only for good

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Jake drew a picture for you dreamer. It was in crayon, and it was of him and you, going for a walk and eating birds. It was a beautiful picture, made all the more special when you try and conceive of how hard it is for a dog to not only ACQUIRE paper and crayons but to manage the dexterity to use them. The picture was ready for you TODAY…but dogs are so bad with dates he thought it was the THIRD.

Stupid dog.
I really can’t say anything about Cat except he has urged me not to drink Coca Cola after October 1st…

22

My cat Grampus (his real name is Bloater but I’ve changed it in this post to protect his privacy) is channeling Barry Manilow. He starts into that one song, you know, the one that goes, “I sing the songs……” then, about three bars in he has an, ‘accident’ on the carpet, (I don’t blame him that song has the same affect on me). I’ve tried everything, including gently explaining to him Barry Manilow isn’t actually dead but he just sulked off and shredded the paper I foolishly left on the kitchen table.

Can you ask him why he’s doing this, is there any hope he’ll stop?
I offer you a key lime pie (the real, yellow kind) with maple syrup, pine nuts and a clam.

23

My dog is a Pomeranian named Pawney.

Why does he furiously lick the inside of my ear? He can’t possible like the taste of ear wax… can he?

I offer: the lemon wedges from all the ice waters I order in restaurants

24

About the beagle Clancy: she’ll happily snarf up any Cheerios™ or meat related products that BabyMaeve™ will drop her way…but nada on the veggie remains. Whats up with dat? I’m getting pretty frickin tired of scooping smashed carrots off of the linoleum.

I offer: this fine addition to your wardrobe.

25

My dog Buddy. Almost 4 years old and STILL likes to sneek a pee on the back of the sofa when noone is watching him. Sneeky bastard. Why buddy WHY?!?! You KNOW your not supposed to! BAAA!

My offering… a nice sponge cake sprinkled with lemon infused vodka.

26

I see that jarbabyj is blessed with the same laser-like psychic accuracy that is the trademark of John Edward (I’m sensing a name----an H—Harold? Homer?).

The Parade cartoon character of which you speak in the OP is HOWARD HUGE.

Here is a Corona with a lemon. Now make with the lottery numbers.

27

You fraud!

It wasn’t Sangria, it was Chevas!

Ha! There goes the big Sci-Fi channel gig!

28

My cat: Timmy
Could you let him know that I HAD to switch back to dry food because he has allergies? And that the vet said the tuna water isn’t good for him, which is why I always pour it in the sink. Thanks.

All the good lemony desserts are taken, and I don’t know what they have a IKEA, so how about a drill with an allan wrench attachment to put all that IKEAs tuff together.

29

First, a message from Grampus. He eats the newspaper because he needs more roughage. He’s embarrassed that you have to watch him grunt and groan to get a decent crap out. Don’t make him go through this…give the pooch a stalk of celery, won’t you?

Pawney is near to…well…inconsolable is the best way I can put it. Don’t you hear him whispering? Whispering whispering the sweet nothings of deep, abiding Pomeranian love? Pawney wonders if he even knows who you ARE any more.

Clancy says that, much like the Packers, vegetables make her gassy.

Buddy, buddy, MY buddy. Wherever I go…HE GOES…Buddy…my BUDDY…MY BUDDY AND MEEEEEE.

what?

Oh. About the piss. I think it’s simple, and you’re just resisting the obvious truth. Your couch is hideous and your dog mistakes it for a frigging pile of garbage. Hope that helps.

Timmy, says you can take that vet and cram him up your ass. Give him the tuna water TONIGHT, or find yourself mysteriously lacking a larynx in the morning. CAPECHE?

30

The subject : my Pit Bull Foley

The question : Why is she terrified of squirrels?

The offering : the book Voluptous Panic, about Weimar Germany and a picture of Kurt Angle smoking a Marlboro Red. Wearing chaps.

31

Okay, I have one.
My cat Fatboy would often lie quietly in a patch of sunlight and then suddenly and without warning, leap up into the air and run several times full-speed from one end of the house to other, fur standing on end and puffed up to 3 times his normal size. Then he would skid across the kitchen floor and crash into the cabinets, all to his apparent great delight.
WHY?
Other than than those brief moments of insanity, he was mostly a well-adjusted cat.

I offer you a quarter of a pound of last year’s Christmas chocolate candy which I recently found on top of the fridge. It still tastes okay and I’ll even take out all the nasty dark chocolate squares. :slight_smile:

32

The subject: My cats Dawn & Kendra and the dog Tarquin

The question: Is there any correlation between Tarquin recently joining our family and the cats sudden decision to start crapping on leechboys shoes all the time?

My offering: funky Ikea shoe holder

33

My cat (also called Biba), has taken to stuffing live mice and birds into our shoes, although she prefers boots, if they are to hand. What is she trying to tell me?

My offering to you, Electric Pup Goddess - anything from the UK that you fancy…

34

Um, does your Powers work on pet humans?

Subject: Pet Human, dubbed “Chira”, also answers to “Meow” (sometimes)

Question: Why won’t she plant catnip in the garden? Doesn’t she know she’s forcing me to go all the way down to Kitsa’s place just to get a whiff?

Offering: Three dead mice and a lizard I caught a couple of hours ago.

35

My cat, Goldie, has amazing mood swings. Please ask him why. Also I would like to know where the tiny spot on his lower lip came from. Never used to be there!

Also, please let him know I DID NOT MEAN TO KICK HIM LAST NIGHT. (that’s what happens when he lays at the top of the stairs in the dark!) Smooches to kitten.

My offering: Bismarks stuffed with lemon curd and served alongside freshly ground coffee. Mmm. drool

36

ALLLLLLLLLrightty. Let’s get crackin.

Messages abound in my huge and limitless mind:

Foley isn’t quite sure that you understand the sheer terrifying nature of squirrels. They’re schemers by nature, and then they taunt you with their schemes. And only Foley understands them. The squirrels have PLANS, hardy…PLANS…and Foley is privvy to them. The plans aren’t for a friggin’ Columbus Day box social either, sugar…they’re much…squirrelier…than that.

I don’t think I have to tell you, Fatboy hates his name. FAT…BOY. Why don’t we just rename me, Tiny Left Eyed Flat Ass and see how satisfied I am as I go through life. When he gets the rips like that…he’s trying to quickly, and effectively lose weight. Which isn’t easy, since you keep feeding him friggin blue cheese stuffed olives as a party trick. He doesn’t like blue cheese.

Dawn and Kendra were planning to start a career in lesbian cat porn, as they already had the names for it. Wait…wait…I’m getting a direct message…

Tarquin smells of fish and wee. His breath is akin to that of a corpse buried in pig shit and garlic. remove him from our home. or we will remove him for you.

In exchange for the very special message, in HAIKU FORM, from Biba the cat, I would like you to send me that one dark haired guy from BBMak, wrapped only in red ribbon.

Live Mice Warm The Toes
My Trophies of the Hunt, Scorned
Biba’s Heart Now Breaks

Strangely, I can’t quite make out what Cougarfang is typing. It all comes out as Wingdings.

Goldie sez:

“You don’t like the mark? I thought it was a little…spunky? A bit…how do I say…alluring? It’s sort of my answer to the wild bohemian look for Fall that’s hitting all the Paris runways. Of course, I won’t be on any runways, since my side is searing in unbelievable pain, and my ribs are most likely broken. Don’t worry yourself about it, darling. I’ll just try to get a few breaths in each hour and leave my wheezing for when you’re not around. Really. I’m fine.”

37

Not a question, but Otis, The World’s Most Beautiful Golden Retriever[sup]TM[/sup] reports having a dream about jarbabyj in which she says:

“For many long years I have pondered what I might do, should the psychic power come into my hands, and behold! it was brought within my grasp. . . . . And now at last it comes. You will give me your thoughts freely! In place of a boring food provider you would set up a Queen. And I shall not be boring, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! . . . . All shall love me and despair!”

She stood before Otis seeming now tall beyond measurement, and beautiful beyond enduring, terrible and worshipful. Then she let her hand fall, giving him a dog treat … and suddenly she laughed again, and lo! she was shrunken: a soon-to-be-pregnant woman, clad in simple white, whose voice was soft and sad.

“'I pass the test,” she said. “I will diminish, turn 30, and remain jarbabyj.”

I wonder what it all means??

38

Oh, Great Electric Pup Goddess, please explain to Joe, the World’s Most Beautifuller Golden Retriever[sup]TM[/sup] that if only he would refrain from jumping all over the visitors, we wouldn’t have to lock him outside. And as for Roxy, the World’s Most Equally Beautifuller Golden Retriever[sup]TM[/sup], ask her what she’s saying when she snorts at me.

Two offerings: a Krister computer table, and a home-made lemon curd cake.

39

Could you please ask Tipsy the cat what the hell she thinks she is chasing up and down the stairs at three in the morning?

In return I offer you a chair named Roger.

40

How can I convey my thanks? I mixed a half-cup of metamucil with a jar of lamb baby-food and fed it to ‘Grampus’ last night. He is much more lively now and seems to be channeling Alanis Morissette.

The mess on the carpet is worse though.

Still it’s progress. Thank you jarbabyj !