A senior blowing her young boss? This is the stuff of tawdry magazines, sold for men as letters from readers in Penthouse and Playboy, and sold to women as sexuality advise in Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle. Sex sells certain magazines, and sex sells the books written by such magazine contributors.
It’s a matter of playing the odds. Usually the longer things go on, the more difficult it is to come to a mutually satisfactory resolution, due to crisis and entrenchment. See post #170.
Caridwen - thanks for taking the time to look at my history. Your points are very good and will be strongly considered.
That strikes me as an inaccurate description. I gather you have not read the book.
Oh, the obligatory slutty MySpace photo? I’m afraid it is me…about 16 years ago! A friend found it and posted it on her blog along with some other truly embarrassing high school photos. It was so MySpacey, I had to post it!
I’m 32 now, and at least 75 pounds heavier, much to my chagrin. But I still have pretty eyes and hair. 
That’s exactly the kind of thing I mean by “renegotiating your marriage.” If you change your contract together, then I don’t think continuing to see other people is unethical. Like I’ve said, my husband and I have other partners, and I think we’re acting ethically because we agreed on it freely beforehand. Asking your partner to change midstream is tricky and often doomed to failure, but it’s more ethical than continuing to deceive him.
Your welcome. Just consider that this isn’t the best road for you to be taking.
Please talk to someone.
I agree I have a habit of breaking the emotional arguement down to a financial analysis since I have been dealing with this since September; I’m through crying for my upcoming loss. And I happen to be an incredible optimist and I’m actually looking forward to a brighter future down the road.
One thing I made it a point not to do in my post is to declare infidelity. I am not prepared to declare that as fact. A can say however that deciet of intent exists, and my concern is that people who are willing to drive their soon to be ex’s into further financial hardship to further their future is horrific. It’s bad enough I have to deal with emotional wreckage, you expect me to FUND your behavior too?
As the deceptant (is that a word?) I have an opportunity to right my ship and move on as I see fit. I should not be penalized further for having played by the rules.
Yeah I’m pissed off. I hate. I dream of flaming wrecks and insurance checks. But that’s not real, is it?
Reality is we’re breaking up. Reality is lots of people divorce. Reality is that there are children of divorced parents. Reality is that some people manage to deal with it well.
I choose to do it well.
We’re in mediation. We’re trying to cut this life apart as cleanly as we can. I am hopeful.
But if I am expected to play the financial sap for someone’s cheating benefit then please do fry in hell for me, will ya? You want a new life, great, I can actually accept that. Just don’t comprimise my future. It’s the least the cheater can do.
My experience is that the potential infidelity stings less than the idea I will be strapped long term financially. A relationship ended can be forgotten fairly quickly. Writing a check each month will remind me I was taken, and will prevent me from moving on.
Final note - I have no intention of hijacking this thread with my problems. In fact I have great support from family and friends, and the well wishes of others here is comforting. I will be fine. I just wanted to add some insight from this perspective.
And in the spirit of the pit I will close by saying I hope RSSchen will do the right thing - tie your tubes, leave your husband and send him and your kids a regular child support check; he deserves better than you.
Nope – only leafed through it for a while. Saw it on the bookstore rack over a decade back (in the bookstore in Yorkdale above the GO station while waiting for a bus, if you really need to know), recognized it as trash reading, and passed it by. Am I inaccurate concerning the senior blowing her young boss? Am I inaccurate concerning the book having been written by a Mademoiselle sexuallity column contributor? Am I inaccurate concerning Penthouse, Playboy, Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle using sex to sell their magazines? Am I inaccurate concerning these magazines printing personal sexual exploits/experiences? Am I inaccurate concerning this book being a compilation of personal sexual exploits/experiences?
My facts are accurate. Let’s not confuse that with our difference of opinion as to the merits of the book. One person’s trash may be another person’s treasure.
RSSchen
I rarely post in the Pit, and seee no good reason for it. I will not call you names, although I struggle to not find myself nodding in agreement.
As a parent, and as a veteren of divorce, it seems abundantly clear to me that there is no greater responsibility than protecting your children—to protect them from harm, from trauma and from uncertainty.
When your husband finds out (and I hope he does) the impact on the family will be severe. The children’s lives will be in turmoil. There will likely be arguments, shouting and other emotional outbursts. And they will have front row seats.
If you want a divorce, you could send the kids to your parents for the weekend and sit down respectfully and explain to your husband that you want a divorce. You could arrange fr a counselor so the transition to divorce is as smooth as these things can be.
But that’s not your approach is it? Whether he finds out via the internet, or some other slip up on your part, there is a decent chance he will find out. And that is the environment you put your children in.
So, despite your smarmy words, I find, for my part, you are a miserable parent.
I only hope for 2 things: 1) That he finds out soon, so he and the kids can begin the process of getting on with the rest of their lives without you, and, 2) that he has the strength, courage and character (that you lack) to take good care of those kids during the divorce.
Just my WAG, but despite her willingness to risk her children’s well being, she is a self-proclaimed good mother, and it is most important to her that she be happy, so dollars to donuts, when the inevitable clash happens, she will fight tooth and nail to take the kids with her, and cause a great deal of harm to them in the process. Such people keep family law litigators in business.
I know, but what the heck - I can hope can’t I?
Do the courts who decide custody actually care whose fault the divorce was? Would RSSchen’s infidelity really play any role whatsoever in deciding whether or not she keeps her kids? She is their primary caregiver (as her husband is out working full-time to support them), and unless neglect or abuse could be proved, wouldn’t she get them? They would probably share custody, but since she stays at home with the 3 year old, that would probably continue despite her adultery, if the court thinks it’s in the best interest of the child.
Depends on the laws in the jurisdiction. Where I am, it is as you set out, with the proviso that if the parents cannot work together jointly, then there will be sole custody. Adultery is seldom a consideration, unless it can be directly tied to affecting the ongoing well being of the children (e.g. hopping from one new spouse to another with great frequency, or hitching up with a child abuser). That’s just for my jurisdiction. I can’t speak for elsewhere.
She’s picked through a thread of nearly 200 posts to respond twice - once as a blanket “But I’m not really thaaaaaaaat bad, honest!” and once to reply to one person - Caridwen - who has suggested the issue is not that she’s a narcissistic, duplicitous bitch, but that it’s related to her addiction issues (which it may be, but she’s still a narcissistic, duplicitous bitch).
Yeah, we’re really getting through here.
Whoa! That is, by far, too much. Anger - justified. Intimation that murder might be in the cards (and that looks like tacit approval to me) - not even slightly ok.
But she’s “haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy” and the man who supports her and the two kids (are they even his? Is this a pattern of behavior on her part?) are not nearly as important as her haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappiness. After all, her husband who enables her to be a stay at home mom and have affairs is not as intelligent as she is (I guess I can believe that if he is putting up with this) so he is not important; and she’s a GOOD MOM so her kids aren’t important.
The only important thing is that she’s haaaaaaaaaaaaaappy!
Wonder if we’ll hear back from her with a sob story when Hubby dumps her in the road or when Lover Boy moves on to someone he can trust.
It’s been several years since I read it (I found it in the library), but the chief memory I took from it was not a series of titillating sexual escapades. Perhaps one simply finds what one is looking for, and I was more interested in the emotional/psychological aspects of the interviews. I don’t remember the executive and her boss per se, but I’ll take your word they’re in there (I see they showed up in one of those Amazon reviews, so they obviously impressed somebody).
My knowledge of the author is limited to her position as “a journalist” (I think that’s what the jacket blurb said). I gather she has been associated with Health Magazine, McCall’s and New Woman, as well as Mademoiselle, and several other books. I don’t/haven’t read any of those, so I have no clue about her other work. She has an MSW, but I do not mistake her for a scientist, nor this book for a scientific study. It’s a series of interviews. Each woman’s story is different, and the author pretty much lets them tell it, is what I remember.
I thought RSSchen might gain some understanding - or at least begin to - of her own feelings and situation if she could see what a (very - I believe there are 12) few other women in similar situations have had to say. Maybe I’m wrong. She has chosen to do this thing, and I believe understanding will benefit her more than preaching and excoriation from people who can’t meet her where she is. She’s certainly free to ignore the recommendation.
Course not. She’s thought this through. She waits three years to make sure this relationship is for real. He husband, rather ex at this point, is so pleased by her careful approach to the situation that he just merrily hands over the kids and a hefty settlement check to make up for all of the years of [del]housework[/del] abuse she’s had to endure.
I can see your viewpoint, but at the same time you have to remember in this case that it’s just not her and lover-boy involved. They have kids and, despite what RSSchen wants to believe, they **will ** be affected by the cheating. It would be easier just for her to suck it up, get a divorce, stop mooching off of her husband and see if lover-boy is really going to take care of her. I think it would be better for her to be able to say “Mom and Dad aren’t in love anymore, so we’re getting a divorce” to the kids and then slowly acclimate them to her new relationship afterwards, then to have to say “Mom was still married to Dad but didn’t have the guts to face him about the affair because she still needed Dad’s money to support her.”
I was one of those kids. RSSchen sounds just like my mom, from what I’ve read. I don’t keep in contact with my mom anymore, if that tells you anything as to how her actions appalled me.
But who knows if she’s even thinking about her kids at this point. It seems to be primarily about herself.
Agreed. I’ve seen this before. The woman starts the affair but doesn’t want to divorce the husband because he makes the money, acts surprised and devastated when she’s caught, all she can manage to say throughout the divorce proceedings is “You don’t have to do this, you could stop this!” in a last ditch attempt, it’s sickening.
I hope she lives in a state that doesn’t have the “no fault” law.
It could work out really slick for her. She’s likely to get the kids - even three years from now. Her husband will pay maintenance. And maybe this guy really does think he is her soulmate. They could get together, take the kids, take her husband for child support - and live a happy life.
Maybe, even, her husband is the type of person willing to say “good riddance” and move on - maybe he’ll be able to afford child support without a reduction in his standard of living - and no harm will be done there. Maybe he’ll get remarried to a wonderful and independantly wealthy woman and won’t need to worry about the support.
Maybe her kids, at six and nine, will find it exciting to move to Daddy’s house for the weekends. They won’t care that they don’t get to go to slumber parties because they are at Dad’s for the weekend. They won’t turn into the average teenager - convinced their parents have screwed them over - but will be able to see with maturity that their mother’s happiness was more important than their own childhood stability.
Maybe she’ll have the family that at her oldest child’s wedding, Mom, Dad, StepDad and StepMom all dance with each other in harmony with no ill feeling.