I am the other woman.

Warning. Long and intolerably mushy post ahead.

OK, here goes. I have fallen madly in love with a married man who is having a baby in December. That about sums it up, but I have been aching to share this for so long now, so I’m going to do it right.

I was working with him this summer (no, it isn’t the coworker who was flirting with me) and we got along wonderfully. I knew from the start that he was married and all that, and although I really thought he was perfect, I never acted as anything but a friend. My last week at work he suggested that we’d go out for a few beers and celebrate that we’d survived the summer (he’s only a summer temp too, but was going to stay for one more week). We were going to be a whole bunch of people, but in the end it was only me, him and one other guy. The other guy only stayed for two hours or so, but the two of us were in a fine mood and stayed at the bar. The minute we were alone, the atmosphere changed.

We started talking about relationships and what love really was, and believe it or not, I started picking up signs that he was flirting with me. Complimenting me on my hair and looking deeper into my eyes and such. I started feeling a bit strange, not uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what the hell to do. I’d also had four pints on an empty stomach, so I was drunk too.

We decided to get something to eat, but when we did, we just sat there and picked at the food. Then he tells me that he thinks I’m wonderful, attractive and charming. I freak. I tell him I think he’s perfect, there’s only one thing wrong with him. “I’m married” he says. “Yes” I say.

We leave to get some coffee. We sit in the back of the coffee house, there’s no one there but us and he touches my hand and then leans over to kiss me. I start to chain smoke. He tells me he wants to come home with me. I say no. He asks again. I tell him I’m leaving now and he can do whatever he wants. He comes home with me. I’ll spare you the details of the rest of that night, but when I think about it my heart aches.

That will be three weeks ago tomorrow. The day after I left to go sailing and visiting friends, but before I did he called and said he wanted to see me again. Those ten days I was away was the longest and hardest I’ve ever experienced. He kept calling me on my cell phone, sending messages and letting me know he wanted me to come home.

He was at my house an hour after I’d come home. It’s impossible to explain how I felt being with him. It was like coming home. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other almost every day and I feel as if anything I’ve ever felt for a man before has been a waste of emotions. I wish I’d have saved it all for him.

But everything is not wonderful. He’s a married man. He wasn’t unhappy before he met me. He says he loves me passionately, that thinking about being without me is much scarier than thinking about breaking with his wife, despite the fact that she is pregnant and that they have so much history. I know many of you think that I’m a bitch and he’s an asshole, and I sometimes wish it was that simple, because then our roles would be so much more evident.

I have loved before. But I have never been so instantly and perfectly compatible with someone before. I have always been so self-conscious about myself and my body, but with him I finally believe that I’m attractive and beautiful. I love him because he’s helped me love myself. It’s also the little things. We laugh at the same things, love the same books, have the same dreams and expectations, we want to travel to the same places, he sails, he skis, he rides horses just like me. I was stirring my coffee, licked the spoon and put it down on the table, looked up to see the exact same procedure from him. It’s uncanny. Yesterday, we went for a drive and at the exact same moment we looked at each other.

He tells me he wouldn’t have been married today if he’d have known I existed. He says he loves me because he can’t not love me.

That’s my story. I don’t know where this is going to end. All I know is that I don’t want it to.

Where is it going to end? Almost certainly with a lot of heartbreak.

Well, you didn’t ask for any advice, but I must say this one thing.

GET AWAY FROM THAT MARRIED MAN!!!

I understand you have fallen in love with him, but you don’t have the right. He is MARRIED and it isn’t to you.

If you love him so much, I suggest you step back and let him end things with his wife, if that is what he wants.

Being the other woman diminishes you and is downright disgusting.

BTW, I disagree with monster. I think the person mostly at fault is the married person, not the “other woman.” He is the one breaking vows.

One person’s wonderful, perfect man is another person’s low-down deceitful prick who should be home with his pregnant wife rather than trying to get some off a co-worker.

No, and yes.

He’s using you, girlfriend. He was pursuing you. Get out now, no matter how much it hurts. You’ll save yourself more pain in the long run.

As someone else mentioned, back off and see what he does. If he divorces his pregnant wife to marry you, well…that’s something. But what goes around, comes around.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this type of scenario lead around to my parent’s divorce so I’m a little sensative about it.

Ok, well I don’t know you or him personally but here I go anyway.

Its not love on his part (PROBABLY) is lust. Its the thrill of something new. She is far along and probably not as sexually active as she used to be, as pretty as she used to be, etc… etc… blah… blah… and there you are. Sexually exciting, interested in HIM just like she was when they met and there ya go.

As for you, the thrill of having someone that is un-obtainable is part of it. Being the “other woman” and so “dirty and nasty” because of it adds to the thrill and the passion.

Really, it is exactly that, the PASSION that both of you are really in love with and want.

CandyMan

PS

I am not putting you down in anyway. I have been on both sides of this and will not pass judgement on anyone for that reason.

OUCH. I wish you’d asked us before you’d slept with him, so we could have said, “run away, little lady!”

No blaming-throwing; we’ve all fallen in love with the wrong person once or twice. But you KNOW—and he damn well should—that this can not end well.

If he’s so damn in love with you, then he has to tell wifey. Pregnant or not, this is not fair to her. Break off with him, NOW, and tell him that you and he can get back together after (or IF) things are settled with his wife. If he’s not willing to choose you over her, then it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.

This ain’t gonna be easy, either way. I suggest you watch a lot of Susan Hayward movies, like “Back Street,” and lounge about wistfully in chiffon gowns. At least you should look good while you suffer.

If you continue with this, soda, you will never find true love, trust or faith in any relationship you might ever have. If you continue with this, you will, for the rest of your life, fear another woman like you. If you continue with this, you will, for the rest of your life, fear yourself and your inability to respect beautiful institutions of love, fidelity, marriage, friendship and family.

It takes a strong soul to survive an existence of fear. Examine yourself now and realize that you don’t have what it takes. Walk away from this now.

My heart breaks for you soda, but you know this isn’t right.

The guy pursued you, but you didn’t have to go along with it. You didn’t have to go along and assist him in breaking his vows. Yikes…his wife is pregnant.

Back away - if he truly is the one for you, when he gets his current marriage resolved/dissolved (what a mess that will be) then you guys can resume your romance.

Oh Arnold, don’t get me wrong. I certainly believe that the man doesn’t have the right to fall in love with soda either.

However, I don’t know this man so I can’t tell him to stay at home with his wife. I simply think that soda should have the good sense to stay away from a married man. She’s not an innocent bystander to this situation.

And as usual, right on Milo.

This guy sounds unhealthily obsessed. Get a restraining order.

Um, thanks. I think.

I know you are right. I am a strong, logical, intelligent woman, but God help me, I can’t step aside. I was highly aware that I’d get advice I really don’t want to hear, and although it’s killing me, I do thank you. I think.

… with a sad post.

I’m really sorry to read about this, soda. You see, I’ve been there before: I was the other man (e-mail me if you want the details, I ain’t gonna spill them here).

It’s never pretty, and if it does end happily, then a miracle has occurred. There’s no way of that happening, though, unless there’s a fracture existing already with his wife. It sounds as if he’s fallen out of love with her and replaced that love with you. I really hope, for your case, that’s that’s true and that he will continue to do so even when the baby’s born.

Side question: Is this their first child?

Anyway, I don’t think the decision is yours to make. You love him. Congratulations. You might be loving the wrong person, but that’s for fate to tell you, not Monster, nor Arnold, and definitely not myself.

My advise, for what it’s worth*, is to not let it end. See what happens and if you be the evil woman, so be it. If you become the princess to rescue him from hell, so be it. I’m a romantic, with leanings toward the tragic and optimistic end of the romantic spectrum, so I say enthusiastically GO FOR IT!

I’m glad you’ve returned to the SDMB, but I’m horribly saddened that it’s with this post.

[sub]* any advise I give about lovely Swedish women these days is very biased by my own experiences and desires (check my sig if you don’t understand).[/sub]

Have you read CoyoteFish’s recent thread on this? I’m a technophobe so I don’t know how to do the link - could someone else do this?

It’s all uncannily familiar…

My opinion–you both need to grow up. I’m not so hell bent on marriage to say that you are both a couple of scoundrals, but you are not going about this in the proper manner.

If he is detmined to leave his wife to be with you, then so be it. Until he is divorced, however, the two of you should have absolutely no contact. I am not saying this from the perpective of “you dirty little cheaters”. Rather, I think it is the most sensible thing to do and it could save you a hell of a lot of pain later on.

When one is in the middle of a passionate love affair, one cannot see clearly. This is not a condemnation of you–it’s just a fact. Emotions warp everything out of perspective. When you are with that person, the stong feelings you have are reinforced–especially in a situation fraught with, “Oh look at our tragic lives”, ala Romeo and Juliet.

In order for either of you to make an informed decision, you need to stop seeing each other and let him get on with his divorce. With any luck, it will take a year. Yes, a year. You both need this time apart. You both need to be distanced from the emotions and look at things rationally. and when I say stop seeing each other, I mean no communicaiton. Zippo. Tell him he can call you after he’s divorced. If he will not agree to this and insists on following you around, calling you, and cliaming that he can’t possibly live without you, I would not hesitate to call him immature and advise you against getting any more involved with him. Ditto for you on staying away. And, besides this separation being the best hope for your relationship, it is the only decent thing to do. You will be able to live with yourselves a lot easier and maybe even respect each other if you know that you did the right thing.

I know this is not easy advise. I’ve been there. My story was slightly different, but I was madly in love with a man who I could not see for a year and a half. It was total and complete hell. But boy was it good for our relationship in the long run. I learned so much about myself and my feelings for him. I also learned how he felt about me. We are now happily married, BTW.

Lastly, bend over backwards to make sure his ex-wife and child have everything they could possibly need. Be generous to a fault with child support. This woman did nothing wrong here, and you are about to crush her world. This has nothing to do with morality (except that he is breaking his promise to her), but the fact is she deserves to be taken care of. If he divorces this woman and relegates his child to weekend visitation, the least restitution you both owe them is as much moeny as you can possibly afford to give.

Now, good luck.

I think this thread goes well with this one… http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=36577 .

Now all we need is a thread by a pregnant wife with a cheating husband (or thinking of cheating husband) for all perspectives to be covered.

if anything else, i mean come on. If you don’t stop this NOW, when that kid is born fatherless, it’ll start his life on the complete wrong foot. there are far too many single mothers already IMHO.
CandyMan, u’ve hit it on the nose.

Got it Black12! See above.

Thanks Merlot…