Oh soda, I was the other woman for YEARS. It never ends well, and frankly hurts a lot even when it’s good.
I know how strong your feelings are, but they are just feelings, not facts. Passion is a powerful thing, but it can be fleeting.
If he is cheating on his pregnant wife, will he be faithful to you? No, he is showing his true colors. If he doesn’t respect the VERY SERIOUS relationship he is in, how the hell will he respect yours? He can’t.
My story was so similar, but I let this man call the shots for almost a decade. The thrill was there, but so was the shame, and I knew his girlfiend very well. The duplicity was hard on me, though not on him I guess.
This isn’t what you will want to hear, but please break away for your own sake. You deserve to be the number-one person in someone’s life, not their dirty little secret. The mistress who becomes the wife knows exactly what she’s in for later, because the next mistress is only a half-step behind.
I won’t even play the “who’s the asshole” card here, because it’s never that simple. But I do believe today that I was wrong to be with someone else’s man.
Soda, I am the last one to point a finger and judge.
Under the circumstances you’ve described, get out, NOW!.
There is nothing but heartache and emotional damage in this; if you think you’re feeling it now, just wait; the hoped for happy ending has a slim chance of happening, and would be forever coloured by the hurt. Also, the innocents here are his wife and unborn child; I urge you to not help him destroy their lives.
If his wife happens to be some harpy, with all the charms of a snapping turtle, so be it. BUT. Let him divorce her first, and settle it.
Otherwise, I think you’ll always wonder if there isn’t another woman out there, when he’s not with you.
Good luck; disengage your emotions, and do the right thing that the little voice in you is urging.
Montfort, thank you. Probably the least wise advice so far, but undoubtedly the most appreciated. It is their first child, btw. I am highly aware of the fact that his life is changing and that it’s probably got his head in a spin. I know I’m biased, and maybe completely duped, but he is not some kind of boy who suddenly woke up one morning and realized he was a grown man. He is not like that.
You are also right that this is passion. It’s insanely passionate. But when I think about him, that’s not what I think about. I think about him as a person, not as the greatest lover I’ve ever had. That’s just the bonus.
This sounds so false. I feel as if I’m trying to justify my situation, but I know I can’t. I’m a hypocrite and I think I need to have my head examined.
Vestal Blue, that little voice is currently speaking in Urdu. I can’t understand a word it says.
[rant]Man, what is this? Every time I turn around, somebody’s posting about wanting to have an affair, or getting involved with a married person, or wondering if “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true. Is it the time of year?[/rant]
soda, soda, soda, my heart goes out to you. What’s so much fun now is going to be a big bucket of pain in a few months. But, everyone’s told you that, and there’s nothing we can really do to convince you of the misery you’re walking yourself into.
Check out http://www.affairs-help.com & http://www.gloryb.com. There’s a bunch of other sites out there as well that have info about affairs from all different persectives. Maybe reading some of the stories of people who are in affairs will help you out some. Remember, too, that emotions run high in these things, and some of the message boards get a little hot at times, but there’s good information if you care to wade through the flames.
Also, remember that even if it does work out between the two of you, it’s going to be several years before you can have a normal relationship. Divorces, especially due to betrayal, are never fun. You’re going to be part of hurting another woman and the children involved. Hurting them BADLY. Even if the marriage was already on the rocks, being betrayed is one of the most painful things that can happen to someone. Can you look at yourself in the mirror and be OK with that? If not, now’s the time to run.
Passion doesn’t always stay passionate and perfect compatibility changes, both because people grow comfortable.
Keep this in mind. Also, make certain that he’s not just lonely/bored/sexually frustrated. His wife is in the second trimester of her pregnancy. She probably feels really ugly, and she’s on an emotional roller-coaster, besides. It’s likely that she doesn’t feel like being intimate, or that she’s tired or too ugly or whatever, and he’s mistaking that for neglect or utter disinterest.
I know how you feel, Soda, but this is not right. Not yet, it isn’t. He and his wife seriously need to have a discussion.
You’re welcome. I’m of the fervent opinion that when you must decide between the heart and the mind, listen to your heart. I know that’s a rather unpopular, and possibly unwise, standpoint, but I make no apologies for it.
So, if you decide to continue this, against the strong (and well-thought out) voices of the other posters, know that you will have at least one supporter.
Best of luck, you’re going to need it.
[sub]I got your e-mail. I’ll get back to you tonight.[/sub]
Well, how sad. Another poor little child comes into the world fatherless. If he doesnt leave for you, he will leave for another. Sick. If you are ‘lucky’ enough to catch this ‘prize’ get him neutered will you? The world has enough fatherless kids.
LUCKY said to make sure that the baby gets lots of child support - there isnt enough money in the world to make up for what you are doing to this kid.
Either way you lose here soda: either he stays with his family, and breaks your heart, or he leaves his family, and you get to live with that guilt for all your life, while he begins to work late and starts wearing new cologne to work. Sweetie, you marry a man who cheated on his wife, you GET a man who cheats on his wife.
Cheating on a pregnent wife - I cant imagine a lower form of scum than a man who screws a coworker, then goes home to stick his cheating filthy organ into the woman bearing his child…
Soda, dear. My heart goes out to you. Like VB, I have no stone to throw, and am in no position to judge anyone. But, I fear if you continue on this path, there is only heartache ahead for all of you involved, especially his wife and soon-to-be-born child.
I think, somewhere deep inside, you know what your conscience is telling you to do. My best advice is to leave. NOW. Let him resolve things with his wife and child. Then see where you are with him. Whatever he does, you will be hurt.
{{{{{{soda}}}}}}}}
:(:(
And if you aren’t a bitch, you are deluding yourself, selfish, and/or naive.
Hate to sound like a prude, but decent people don’t act this way. Jerks do. And, hey, some complete jerks seem to be pretty happy and unconcerned with the pain they leave in their wake. So if you want to be one of them, at least own up to it.
If he’s cheating on his wife with you, he’ll cheat on you with someone younger, prettier, richer, whatever, in the future.
The pain you’ll feel by leaving him now is nothing compared to what you’ll feel, someday, when he either finally admits he’s NEVER going to leave his wife, or he ends up doing to you what he’s now doing to his wife. Get out now.
I’ll second purplebear. I have no place to judge here, but soda, you know this can only end in heartbreak. I’m not telling you not to love him…our hearts do what they will regardless of whether it’s right or not. And furthermore…what if he cares about you, but not enough to leave his wife? Can you go on forever like this?
I can only advise you to look inside your heart and do what is right for YOU, hon. If you’d like to talk about it, email me…I’ve been there.
I think if I were in this position, and I “won” this guy as the prize, I would always be wondering about his honesty. Does he tell his wife he loves her (and would he tell you if he did)? I don’t think I would ever be unquestioningly able to believe him, about anything.
Do you know for sure that you are the only other person he is seeing besides his wife? Do you know if he has ever been unfaithful to her before you? There is such a thing as love addiction, and I have heard that these people will say anything for the thrill of a new conquest, and they are very good at it.
If he were a person of integrity, he would have told his wife he no longer wanted to be with her BEFORE he started the relationship with you.
I’m sorry this had to happen to you. I have daughters who are probably close to your age, and I would hate to have someone hurt them the way I am afraid, inevitably, that you will be hurt.
I disagree with the statement, as a blanket observation, that “if he cheats on her, he’ll cheat on you.” It depends on why the cheating happens, and whether it’s motivated by his dick or his head. I don’t think we have enough information in this case to be able to make that determination.
But it’s certainly true that it looks suspicious, with his wife in the middle of a pregnancy and all. Seems like a good case to stop and pull back and take a good long look at.
Good luck.
Goldie
Gentlmen DO prefer blondes – and with good reason!
My heart bleeds for the child that is soon to be the son or daughter of this irresponsible, dishonest man. What a sad situation he or she is about to be born in.
I agree-in part. If you want to find out what you really feel, tell him you want a long break for each other. See how that makes you both feel. But he is married, and you both are doing something wrong.
Soda I don’t know you and I don’t hink Ive addressed you before, so first Hi Im Stephen, nice to meet you. Now, Please, DON’T DO THIS
I was once the man in your situation. A strange thing happens to men facing the birth of a child that doesn’t occur when getting married. For the first time you realize that you’re a grownup. That you’ll be responsible for another life. It’s a real mind trip, and if this guy was anything like me he’s overcompensating and running scared. This can’t end anyway but badly.
Please take these posters advice and get far, far away Three people are at risk for nothing but pain in this situation. If you can’t do it for yourself, think of that child.
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