I’ve not been around here very long, but I sure have run into a boat load of “I need advice” threads where the poster does this long involved thing trying to justify what they WANT to do, while asking “what do you think” and sure enough, here you are, you’ve gotten advice from LOTS of folks saying “you know what you are doing is wrong and hurtful to yourself, and to other innocent people, moral people do NOT act this way, even if golly gee whizzers, it feels so good.” so, you’ve had what One person (or was it two) that said “follow your heart, but first have him end it with his wife” and ** that’s ** the one that gets your attention?
You have the ability at this point to stop hurting an innocent person who’s never done you harm. But then you knew that. You posted here, apparently, hoping to get more responses saying “oh, yes, dear, follow your heart, true love only comes once in a lifetime…” Look again, you’re not getting that.
Soda, I have been the other guy before so I know how you feel. But please get the hell out of that relationship. If this guy is so irresponsible that he will cheat on his pregnant wife, what majes you think he will treat you any better. Put yourself in her position (which you may be in down the road). Are you gonna trust him? No.
Remember this also, when working all this out and making your decision, you MUST disregard any argument that starts out “he said …” because you can’t trust any of it.
soda, you’re not at fault. [unwarranted opinion]One thing though, don’t let him lead you on. If he starts rambling that he’s going to leave his wife for you, test him, tell him you won’t see him till he does.[/unwarranted opinion]
Me, being Ponch and all, have women flirt with me often, my wife the same, but we’re very happy toghether, we’ve even discussed that we wouldn’t stray even if we weren’t married.
This being his first child an all, leads me to believe it has to do with the excitement of it all. You don’t know, or you might know, the additional pressures his wife is putting on him. But sadly, once his child is born, he will fall in love with him/her and his wife.
Question: Is he with you because of you? Or is he with you because he’s fallen out of love with his wife.
If it’s you, then maybe it was meant to be, and congratulations for finding true love…
Here is another input from a cheater. Cheaters fall “in love” as a salve to their conscience. Being in love means it isn’t a cheap tawdry affair–it is beautiful and meant to be and all that crap. But at bottom, for at least one of the parties to an affair, it is all sex, pure and simple. When the newness falls off the sex, the roving eye fires up again. You best believe what all these people are telling you and get out before some real damage is done.
Soda, I feel bad for you, as I can tell this situation pains you.
I second everyone’s advice to read that other thread. A lot of what was said there would be be good to hear.
Let’s set aside your role in this. What about this man? He’s got a wife at home and a girlfriend on the side. The fact that he truly loves them both does not make him noble or honorable. Even if he has wonderful intentions and would normally never be the type to cheat, the fact is, he is a cheater. If there were genuine problems with his wife, then he should have either tried to fix them, or gotten out of that relationship BEFORE starting a new one. Maybe he couldn’t help falling in love with you, but he could have done the right thing before acting on it. This is just WRONG, and eventually I believe your respect for him (and for yourself) will be hurt by that fact. If he is not strong enough or honorable enough to do the right thing, then at least you can be. Get out of this situation. He’s not the only man out there that’s right for you. And if he is? Then it’s worth waiting to for him to end his marriage responsibly. Unfortunately, I am not sure there IS a way to end a marriage responsibly when a baby is on the way, and the more I think about that the madder I get. But anger won’t help you, so I’ll shut up.
I can only echo the words of others, soda. You are strong enough to stop this. What kind of person do you want to be with? What kind of person do you want to be?
Re read OP. She left him at the diner, said “I’m going home, you do…” and then ** let him in her door ** to what? use the bathroom?
She had control over if this left a public arena and went to a private one. She didn’t have to let him in the door. it had already gotten to a not so good degree in a public place (how would she have felt if the wife had walked in to the cafe??? ) but, there’s probably a limit to what could have gone on in public. I know she feels bad right now. People usually do when they’ve done something wrong. When she stops doing the wrong thing, I suspect she’ll start feeling better about herself.
if the relationship is pursued, and has any kind of future, please keep in mind that this child will bind he and his wife forever…no matter what else happens…
remember that you will then be a step-mom, to a child who at some point will probably know of your role in the dissolution of his parents’ marriage (hell, I wasn’t even around for Dewts divorce, and my step-son still resents me)…be prepared at some point for said child to throw this in your face…
you and ‘the man’ will have to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that will come from his betrayed wife and the guilt that may or may not come from him…remember, you will have to deal with his ex-wife and all her feelings regarding you for the rest of your life…no matter what…
when my H had an affair last summer, I thought I would die from the pain…I would have rathered that he left me completely before being unfaithful…that would have shown at least a modicum of respect for our relationship…and except for the death/terminal illness of our son (please god/goddess keep him safe), I cannot imagine a greater emotional or physical pain…
and the other woman in our case wrote something to me along the same lines as you yourself have posted above and now, she is so over him and tells everyone what a fantasy world she inhabited with him…and can’t believe that she believed he was her soulmate, blah, blah…
well, 10 months later, H and I are rebuilding our lives and our marriage…it can be done…even after infidelity
please show his wife the same respect you yourself deserve and would want…give her the chance to save or end her marriage on her terms…
don’t be a part of this pain that will shatter her…you want to date him when he is single?? he is that perfect for you? GREAT!!!..then respect yourself enough to ask that he be single…don’t inflict on her the single greatest pain and humiliation that she can feel as a spouse.
keep these things in mind, please.
I have so much more to say, but have to shut up now…professionals say it can take YEARS to heal from a spouses’ infidelity…it’s a mess I’m in the middle of, but wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…
I’m looking over the posts in this thread, and one thing sticks out at me that would probably shock most of you posters:
It looks to me like I’m reading a transcript of the Doctor Laura show.
Seriously, (most of) this is so much the sort of thing that is said on the show. However, many of you are also amongst those who post to the “Boycott Dr. Laura” threads as well.
SODA – I can’t remember who said it, but: “It’s harder to do right instead of wrong than it is to know right from wrong. Knowing isn’t the problem.”
I’m not much of a moral absolutist; I think “right” and “wrong” are more often than not context-driven. But I can’t think of a context in which having an affair with a married man, complete with pregnant wife, would be a right thing to do. I assume you know this, however; again, knowing isn’t the problem.
Even if you do not at present have the ability to step back from the situation and consider the ramifications to people other than you – like his wife and child – please consider how unlikely it is that this will end in anything but heartache for you. Also, please ask yourself whether this man is truly the type of man you wanted for yourself or imagined being with; yes, he makes you feel wonderful (and I’m not minimizing that), but he is betraying his wife, endangering his marriage, and jeopardizing his future relationship with his son or daughter. Is all that okay with you? If it is – if it honestly is – then all I can do is wish you luck.
But truthfully, I send my luck to his wife and child; however this ends up, they’re going to need it, having such a man as a husband and father.
While it is possibly true that some of the content of these posts may (to you) resemble Dr. Laura, a big difference would be the tone. That is what I, and many of the posters who detest Dr. Laura, were objecting to. People would call her for help and she would shame them and call them idiots for getting themselves into the situation in the first place. The content would probably be similar, but I never listened long enough to hear what she was actually saying, because I was so put off by her attitude of self-righteousness.
While a few of these answers to soda’s OP are a little blunt, I would say most of them are fairly supportive and loving.
This thread makes me very sad for the poor woman and her baby to come.
It doesn’t freaking matter what the situation is at his house. If he has any honor at all, he would tell his wife what he feels, and divorce her, THEN start chasing after other people. And no, this does not apply to cases where the other partner knows about it and is supportive. I’m talking about cheating - back door, hurtful, cheating.
OK, then I’ll tell you, soda. You are in the wrong. Leave him alone. If you want to try to justify why you should not continue - think about this other woman - how can you contribute to her hurt? What did she do to you?
If you want to pursue it after he has divorced, then go for it. But like many others have already posted, you think he won’t do it again? Really? Look again at your OP - replay it in your head. How old does the person making it sound? From what else I’ve seen of you on this board, you seem to be an otherwise thoughtful, very nice, and intelligent person. But think about what you are really doing here!
And Montfort? I hope you are just as open-minded when the person you love, marry, and build a life with walks out on YOU with another man. Because in my experience real life doesn’t work in a “romantic” way. Real-life breakups due to infidelity are violent, tragic, and overwhelmingly sad. People fucking DIE inside over these things, is it right to suggest she continue on this path? For shame!
I’m sorry if my words are harsh. Please think about what you are doing. I’ve been in this situation, on BOTH sides. And in each, I was strong, and refused to participate in it in any way. Even though I still feel like I might have “missed something” - I know I was right for not causing any more hurt to a situation that was bad before I arrived.
As I’ve explained in passing here, and in extraordinary detail via e-mail to soda, I’ve been in similar shoes before. It was not a happy situation, and ended horribly. Fortunately, it did not resort to violence since I doubt I’d be around to post today if it had; but, at the time, I was aware of a possible violent end and decided that love was worth it.
Of course, one major thing to keep in mind is that soda is in Sweden, not the United States. Sweden, I’m learning due to my crash course in Swedish culture, is not a violent culture, like the U.S. is. (Feel free to start a GD over this, someone.) So, a threat of potential-violence is mostly hollow, especially since it is a woman being wronged (not by soda, but by the husband), and not a man.
I’ve been one who died inside over these things, so I hope I was in a fair position to offer words of empathy to our dear soda here. It is my understanding, and someone may feel free to correct me, that Swedes are not as moralizing as Americans (a very good thing, if you ask me). soda is seeking out love, and she found it in a strange place. I’m merely pointing her toward what she wants: love. If she finds it in a married man whose wife is six months pregnant, so be it. It’s not the best situation, surely, but there are (probably) worse. Far be it from me to tell someone not to follow love.
And, should I marry and be left by my wife for another man, I will be as heartbroken as any has in that place before, and surely soda’s lover’s wife will be shortly. But, I hope to choose wisely when I marry Mrs. Montfort, and am scarred enough by my parents’ recent divorce – for completely unrelated reasons – to realise that when I get married, both she and I will honour and love, til death do us part. If I even suspect that my wife-to-be will possibly betray me someday, I will not marry her.
I don’t see the need to make your comments against me personal. If you want to criticise what I’ve done in the past, feel free, but don’t try to scare me into a moral point of view that I don’t want to subscribe to, and quite frankly, goes against every fabric of my being, just because of what might happen in the future. I’ve read your posts, Anthracite, and I know you’re better than making a personal attack.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that soda knows exactly what my opinions and advise is.
I understand Urdu quite well. Your little voice is saying, “This sounds so false. I feel as if I’m trying to justify my situation, but I know I can’t. I’m a hypocrite and I think I need to have my head examined.”
Your little voice is also suggesting you go back and reread the posts by Candyman, EJsGirl, Kellibelli, Dropzone, Crankyasanoldman, and my wife Dylan.
Seriously, this guy is spouting all this “I love you” stuff within three weeks of you becoming intimate? I for one don’t buy this “love at first sight” crap. Choose a more accurate word, like infatuation, lust, heat, chemistry, etc… Save the word love to represent a deep and lasting commitment that has been tested and nurtured and grown over years and years of being together.
I’m sure he’s a really nice guy. But he’s clearly not thinking clearly. You wouldn’t, after all, be attracted to a complete asshole, would you? But regardless of his intentions, look at his actions, and the consequences that are going to arise because of them.
Unlike others here, I will sit in judgement. Why? Because I’ve been down that road, and I know where it leads. You know where it leads and the pain it will cause, and yet you are still travelling that road.
The way I see it, you are the one with the best chance of overcoming your emotions and doing what you know is right. Otherwise, you will be responsible for destroying a family. Go read Kelli’s post again.
and sometimes, when that pain is too much, they choose to fucking die completely to end their suffering…not always, but it happens…
those infidelity websites are FILLED with betrayed spouses who have attempted suicide due to the absolute demoralizing, debilitating and all-consuming emotional pain…and you rarely find one who has NOT considered it.
but who cares…this is about true love…right?.
and let’s not even start about the potential for him to be a complete louse and liar, who could potentially be doing this with others…we won’t bring up the countless betrayed spouses and ‘other people’ who have had their STD tests come back with either a nasty surprise or a death sentence (I know 2 wives that have to live/die with AIDS)…I have the honor of living with a life-long, non-life threatening disease due to a previous boyfriend cheating…but we won’t go into that…THAT might affect the passion.
so not only do people fucking die inside, sometimes they die on outside too.
