RSSchen, my biggest problem here is that you seem to be hanging on to a husband for whom you have little feeling but affectionate contempt because he’s a meal ticket. And, because deep in your heart, you suspect that the High School Lover is not as invested in this as you are. As others have pointed out, having an affair on the side is a whole lot different from living with a person day to day - a lot of the ‘romance’ goes out of a relationship when the realities of everyday life come in to the picture.
My strong recommendation to you is to discuss your unhappiness (NOT your affair - why hurt him unnecessarily?) with you husband and attempt a trial separation for a period of six months or so, during which he will be absolutely free to date. Ideally, get your lover to join you, so that you can approximate what married life with him (and his kids) would be. But most importantly, get a job. You should never be stuck in a relationship because you are unable to support yourself. It will be much better for the kids to do this now than later - they are still very young, and less likely to blame themselves or feel threatened that they will be abandoned if they see right off the bat that they will continue to be cared for by both parents. If your lover refuses to do the same thing, that tells you something about how serious he is about the permanence of that relationship; while not definitive, a refusal would put strong questions in my mind as to the likelihood of his actually being willing to divorce his wife if push came to shove. Under NO conditions should you continue the affair during the trial situation if he is unwilling to go through a trial separation at the same time - that will tell you that he’s completely not ready to change his life. And make no mistake; there are lots and lots of men who enjoy the idea of ‘something on the side’ without having the faintest desire to leave their wives.
During the trial separation, you’ll get a clearer idea as to whether what you’re looking for is simply more excitement in your life, or if you are truly unhappy with your current husband. It will be hard on you both, but it’s what you need to do. Right now, despite the sense of utter euphoria you have based on this new relationship, you really don’t know what’s going on for you - is this solely the euphoria of having attracted a ‘new’ man (something most of us, no matter how happily married, miss from time to time), or is it a deep-seated discontent with your husband? The decision as to whether to divorce your husband and whether to marry the ‘new’ guy should be totally independent in your mind, and right now they clearly are not. Further, you have no REAL way of knowing whether or not marrying the lover is a real option; he’s said he will, but married men have been saying that to their girls on the side for centuries.
I don’t think it’s necessary to tell your husband about the affair; just the fact that you are seriously unhappy will be painful enough to him, assuming he is as in love with you as you believe him to be. But if you’re truly unhappy in your marriage, then it must be done.
Right now you have it all; a meal ticket and a hot lover on the side. That’s rather despicable, and I urge you to stop. The potential for doing harm to people about whom you at least care is very great - much greater than the harm of splitting from your husband before things blow up and while your children are young enough to accept it pretty readily, as long as they continue to see plenty of both of you. See VarlosZ’s post above.
