Note: high chance of TMI ahead; you’ve been warned.
At 3:15 this morning I awoke to the sound of my stomach gurgling and bubbling like some Albanian tasqebap. No pain, nausea or cramping, just noise. I laid there thinking what the hell when my wife roused and after a minute said, “I think you’d better get yourself near a toilet.”
I hustle downstairs and perch myself on our porcelain throne. Couple minutes later I feel some pressure. I, er, relax myself but nothing. So I wait. More pressure, a little more pronounced this time. Ah, I think. Let’s get this over with. I give a little push and open the floodgates but instead of the expected fecal bonanza, I am treated to a 10 second, rasping and LOUD explosion of intestinal gas echoing off of my bathroom walls. It sounded like I fired a .45 into my toilet. In the minutes that followed this repeated itself twice more. After I felt secure enough I took some Alka-Seltzer (to try to quell the bubbling) and returned to bed, with no more incidents of the like. And I feel fine today.
Medical professionals of the Straight Dope, I implore you: WHAT THE F*?**