But will he ever feel ready beforehand (this is rhetorical, of course; I don’t expect you all to be able to tell me this!)? Should I push him a little, or wait until he’s ready? What if he never feels ready? (Again, he knows he wants kids… he just doesn’t know if he wants them now versus some vague day in the future sometime.) He doesn’t even know the answer, which is why I’m curious about how other people answered this question. I guess a corollary question is how you sorted this out if one partner was ready earlier than the other partner.
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You know your husband. Some will fall into the role without looking back. Some will say “I only did this because of how important it was to YOU.” A friend of mine is getting divorced right now under those circumstances. He wasn’t ready for their daughter, she was more than ready, he gave in, now they have a child he resents. But those of us that knew him saw the writing on the wall at the wedding.
I’m glad someone else started this thread, because it’s something I’ve wanted to ask for a while.
My fiancee and I are planning to get married in 2008, and there’s been some hints (with all the subtlety of a Nuclear ICBM) about grand-kids from both her parents and my mum (dad seems less concerned, oddly enough).
Her family are UltraCatholic, which doesn’t help things (I’m… Unaffiliated, for want of a better term)… but I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.
[QUOTE=Eureka]
Of course, this works for a certain type of nervous potential father-to-be, but I know of at least one who firmly declined any opportunity to hold a baby (let alone diaper a baby) in the months when his wife was pregnant. Too nervous. Didn’t want to hurt the kid, or whatever, despite being assured that a six-month-old baby is hard to break.
But he took to holding his own baby, and changing her diapers, and the rest of the stuff which goes with having a baby just fine.
It can be the difference between dealing with the abstract, when there is always someone else around who can deal with the kid (and, on at least one occassion, always a half dozen people around to scrutinize your interaction with said kid) and dealing with the practical. “Daddy, here’s your little girl”
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It worked for WhyDad because he saw how good I was with a baby, I think. He wasn’t real hands-on with our Loaner, but he had been so terrified by the “your life will change forever, you’ll never be able to talk to your wife, you’ll be so busy you won’t be able to take a shower” propaganda, that he was pleasantly surprised at how “easy” a newborn is - feed 'em, change 'em, sleep 'em, google at 'em. Potted plants in cute clothes. We can even watch *Lost *while he sleeps!
Of course, I chose a low-maintainance baby for our experiment. Not my fault we ended up with a labor-intensive micropreemie! :smack:
But yes, he’s far more comfortable with our own baby than anyone else’s. Even after having her and holding her plenty, he’s still afraid of breaking other babies!
[QUOTE=Eureka]
Of course, this works for a certain type of nervous potential father-to-be, but I know of at least one who firmly declined any opportunity to hold a baby (let alone diaper a baby) in the months when his wife was pregnant. Too nervous. Didn’t want to hurt the kid, or whatever, despite being assured that a six-month-old baby is hard to break.
But he took to holding his own baby, and changing her diapers, and the rest of the stuff which goes with having a baby just fine.
It can be the difference between dealing with the abstract, when there is always someone else around who can deal with the kid (and, on at least one occassion, always a half dozen people around to scrutinize your interaction with said kid) and dealing with the practical. “Daddy, here’s your little girl”
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I think this is how Mr. Gazer is – he’ll admire them (and will hold a baby if he’s sitting down and someone puts the baby in his arms, and then won’t move at all until said baby is removed, lest he wake it, break it, or make it squeak), but it’s still entirely too abstract for him.
Our friends have an 18-month-old, and I been babysitting him his whole life. Mr. Gazer’s always invited to come along, but he’s just not that interested (admittedly, their lack of cable, internet, and xbox contributes to his lack of interest). I’m certain it will be different when it’s his own child – and that he’ll be a great dad – but I don’t think he is so confident of that.
[QUOTE=Nava]
SiL wasn’t ready. She has a terrible need for control (logical considering her background). Things have to be A Certain Way. She was so tense about the possibility of getting pregnant that they had to combine 3 anti-babies.
Once A Certain Way was achieved, they dismissed the French Lieutenant, the Pill and the Thermometer.
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I’m more paranoid than most about unwanted pregnancy, so I can understand doubling up on methods. But doesn’t the Pill prevent ovulation, so the Thermometer wouldn’t really do anything in that direction?
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
I’m more paranoid than most about unwanted pregnancy, so I can understand doubling up on methods. But doesn’t the Pill prevent ovulation, so the Thermometer wouldn’t really do anything in that direction?
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I think the idea is that the thermometer would let you know if the Pill failed, right?
Almost as soon as we had a relationship, my wife wanted to have kids. I don’t know if it was because her first marriage of seven years didn’t produce any, her brother and sister had three kids, or I’m just such a stellar speciman :rolleyes: but she told me so soon after we started dating that no one would have blamed me for fleeing. Being the traditional sort, I insisted on waiting until we finished college, we got married, and I was in grad school. We then went through fertility treatments for five years, and I was out of grad school before we had any. Now we have five.
In my case, there was never a need to decide. My wife wanted them. I loved her. It was the only path to take. I wanted what she wanted. Let’s face it, having kids is not a rational decision, it is a biological, hormonal decision. Having kids never makes financial sense. If your life is great, it is not rational to want to change it. If your life sucks, babies are just that much more stress. An awful lot of people, well, guys at least, have no experience and there is no good way to get it. “Borrowing” a kid just isn’t the same. (I can’t imagine being afraid that you won’t be able to change a diaper. Get real. The developmentally disabled can be trained to change the diaper.) No matter how much free time you have, kids will use it all up. Somehow, despite how foolish a decision it is, most of us end up having kids, loving them, and doing alright.
Your husband knows you want kids, and loves you then you (as a couple) are ready. He must give you the gift of assent following the guidance of MandJo’s relationship thread. And you must accept that way. In other words, he has to want to give you the gift of his assent, not give it because he feels cornered, but because doing what is right for you is right for him. (Her thread is excellent advice, btw.) Everything else will fall into place. If you are socially healthy, you can’t help loving your kids from the moment they were born. Poor people can afford kids, so can middle class and rich people. Even if you never thought little kids were cute, you’ll think yours are. If you were never around babies, like me, you can still be a good parent and enjoy it. I gave up any chance of being a professor to have kids. And while I regret not having tried, I don’t resent my kids. My 21 year marriage has had its ups and downs, and could have fallen apart a few times. But I’ve always been grateful for my kids. Somehow, they make life harder and worthwhile simultaneously.
[QUOTE=SlowMindThinking]
I can’t imagine being afraid that you won’t be able to change a diaper.
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Disposable diapers do have instructions on the package, right, so you can figure it out if you can read, even if you’ve never changed a diaper or seen a diaper changed before, right? If they do have instructions, I figure I could manage.
I suspect most people who are afraid they won’t know how to change a diaper are actually afraid they’ll be really squicked out by having to deal with the pee and poo in the diaper.
My wife and I were married for 3yrs before kids, but we married late (31 for each of us) so we figured if we were going to do this, it had better be soon. We didn’t plan, so much as stoped trying to prevent. We figured we leave it up to God (or chance if you rather). Within 6mos of stopping BC she became preggo!
I was scared and nervous as hell. I had lots of experince with kids and babies and I knew enough to know that having experience is not the same as having one of your own! My little girl is now 7mos and while it is work, and a HUGE change in your life, nothing, and I mean nothing is better (to me anyway) than comming home and having that little girl smile and pump her little legs when she sees me.
I do sometimes miss my old quiet do whatever I want, whenever I want life. But when I look back it’s hard to remember not having a baby, and all that other stuff just fades.
We got married while in law school. We graduated and got jobs one year later, bought our first house about 6 months later, and our first kid was born about a year after that. Our main thinking was we preferred to have kids while we were young, such that we’d still be relatively young and able to do stuff when they were out of the house.
We were among the first of our crowd to have kids - really cut us off from a lot of our friends who were enjoying travelling, partying, and basically enjoying being young and having money. But now our kids are in high school and college and life is great. I will be 52 when my youngest completes undergrad. I really do not envy buddies of mine who are in their 40s and having to change diapers and give midnight feedings.
Actually, Razorette decided. We were married four years, I was in the Army and all of our medical expenses were paid for. A routine physical exam turned up some problems, they got straightened out, but she would have to take a fertility drug to get pregnant. I was putting things off – I wanted to get out of the service, complete college and start my career first. She saw the idiocy of that (what part of “free medical care” did I not understand?!) The deed was done when I returned from a 30-day field exercise – exhausted, filthy and … well, I was only 25. Being a good sport, my wife informed me (as I shed 60 pounds of uniforms and gear on the floor of our apartment) that she’d just completed a course of fertility pills and was ovulating. I needed a shower. After that, it was up to me.
Our oldest son was born nine months later.
Our second son was the result of more inclusive planning; that is, I was included in the planning.