Doper parents: what illusions did you have about kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, what ideas did you have about babies/kids that haven’t survived contact with reality?

Me? Before my 5 month old was born, I thought I could easily teach him to sleep through the night. By example, maybe. Heh. [insert sleep deprived yawn, here]

That childproofing would not be a huge task. Wrong!

That babyfood would be quick and easy to make from only organic veggies- I’m still trying to do that one, but it’s hard.

That he wouldn’t have strong opinions- just because he can’t talk doesn’t mean he can’t get his points across!

I still hope to limit tv watching and junk food, but have a feeling that these may fall by the wayside, too.

How about you?

2

Babies: That they just need to be fed and kept clean and the rest of the time would be content to sit in their bouncy seat and watch the world go by. Hah. Also, that they sleep a lot and so I would be able to get lots of things done during naps. Hah hah. Ditto on the strong opinions.

Kids: How quickly they pick things up. It’s really touching/alarming (depending on the situation) to see how much our behavior and attitudes about the world can influence them at this age (4 and 6 years.) I hear things come out of my daughter’s mouth and think “Where did she get that?” and then I remember–Oh, it was from me.

We solved the TV problem by not having one. I really don’t know where people find the time to watch anyway. As a consequence, my kids are pretty good at finding ways to entertain themselves creatively. They are fascinated by TV when they get a chance to watch it (although not any more so than kids who watch it all the time, as far as I can tell). However, they don’t miss it and never ask for it when it isn’t around.

3

I thought I’d have a compliant baby who I could mold into a solid sleep schedule. I’d simply put her in her crib, she’d fall asleep, and after a couple of weeks I’d have her going to sleep at a regular bedtime and all would be well.

/Laugh track ON

4

I thought newborns couldn’t be stubborn. That was before I tried to breastfeed my son. I thought 10 month old babies couldn’t be stubborn. That’s before I tried to get my son to resume sleeping in his own bed.

Basically, I learned that kids are born with a mind of their own. Who knew?

5

All my illusions were shattered by my second child. With the first I either credited or blamed myself for much of her behavior. Then the second one came along. I did the same stuff, but she was completely different from the first.
I’ve since come to believe that an idea that you knowingly affect the kind of person your kid is going to be is waaaay over sold.

6

So far, I’ve been right on all counts.

7

Yeah, my three brothers and I are different people, no doubt. All you can do is try to mold their given personality into a good version of that personality.

8

Eh, I have four younger siblings (one way younger, who I cared for a lot) and I earned my rent in college by babysitting two babies. So I didn’t have a lot of illusions to start with, and I haven’t had any enormous shocks so far. Just wait, I’m sure something will happen.

9

You know that old truism about how reading to your kids and having lots of books around the house will instill a love of literature in them?

It’s rubbish.

Books and reading are an integral part of our household. We arrange the furniture around the bookshelves rather than the other way around. We have everything from Shakespeare and classic poetry to contemporary writers like Tim Winton. We’ve got teenage books and all my Enid Blyton stuff from MY childhood. We have philosophy and sociology and self-help psychology books. We have Stephen Hawking and Stephen King. We have New Scientist and Skateboard Monthly. We have bloody everything that anybody could possibly want to read.

Only one of my kids is a bookworm (and that didn’t start until he was about 16). The others would rather play with a glob of radioactive waste than pick up a book.

:stuck_out_tongue:

10

That if you eat healthy foods,dont smoke, dont drink and go to your OB every time that everything will come out ok.

It did NOT. Ok nobody can tell you that your kids will be ok once they are born- I had only hoped and prayed. And my little boy is Autistic. Sometimes I get angry, and the grief is over for the most part, however I wonder how it would have been if Autism never crept into his life.

Sorry for being such a downer. But it has been the biggest heartbreak for me as a mom.:frowning:

11

I wish you much luck Nvme77 - I wonder myself why my oldest boy (8) is so grounded and my youngest (6) is out of control.

I thought reading every book about pregnancy and toddlers would help me deal with reality - wrong! They are what they are, and I love them, warts and all.

Also, I believed they could feed/bathe themselves way in advance of their ability to do so… :frowning:

12

I can say nothing that will not come out sincere and you have the right to be heartbroken. No one. No parent. No human ever wishes for anything but a healthy perfect child. All I can suggest and plead to you is is *do not allow the heartbreak to consume your life. * It is something that is beyond your control. It is not your fault ( you know this) and no one knows why autism happens (AFAIK.) If it becomes to much for you I recommend a support group of other parents in the same boat. You are not alone.

13

Bottom line? Kids are a pain in the ass. We love them anyway. Luckily, when they get kids of their own, it’s PAYBACK time.

  • PW
    happy papa
14

Thanks Shirley- being really involved in his school and online support groups has helped tons.

Parents- dont discount the wealth of information and aid available to you out there-:slight_smile:

15

The biggest shock for me was how much they’d own my heart. I mean, I knew LOVE, and I was certain I knew how much my mom loved me, and all that. I was sure I knew what she meant when she said ‘when my child is cut, I bleed’ and ‘parents are hostage to the fates of their children’. HOLY CRAP was I wrong! Totally blew me away how much I love my kids.

I had no idea how fast they changed, either. I knew that they grew fast at times, but I found myself constantly thinking slow down! as he morphed into an older child out from under my comprehension of him. As soon as I had anything like a handle on him, he was a new him, and the old rules were useless. I learned to take everything in two week chunks, and never expect anything to last longer than that, good or bad - just enjoy it now, or handle it now, but don’t try to plan ahead too solidly, or you’ll be walking on one path, while they’re headed down a highway three miles to the east.

I did at least have some prep for physical and other issues… my sister’s daughter died of SIDS, so I knew they could be taken from you without warning. And there are autism spectrum disorders in our family line (direct ancestor, unusual as that is), so I don’t stop watching for regression until they’re past 4 years old. And my oldest brother had a neural tube defect (hydrocephaly). So I was forewarned that these things did happen, and they happened close enough to me to make them real. But I didn’t expect to miss major issues, often for years, simply because I didn’t know enough to look for them. Gabe is heading off next week to start work on oral defensiveness/oral aversion issues, which started at birth, but I thought were ‘fixed’ when the initial symptoms resolved, and I didn’t know enough to look farther for more information. I guess the thing I learned there is that no matter how much you know, you may not know ‘enough’ on any issue, and you can’t beat yourself up in retrospect. Regret, yes, guilt, no.

Nvme77, my mom taught me a great deal about the fury of a mother whose child’s birthright of health and wholeness is denied. My brother died more than 45 years ago, and she is still angry that he never had the chance to be the full person he could have been, because of a single developmental failure. It breaks her heart… but she also welcomes the things she learned from him, and treasures every positive moment that slipped through in spite of his disability, and in some cases, because of it. I wish you those moments, as much as I recognize your anger. And I’m glad you have support - it helps to be with people whose kids live on the same developmental path, who have the same milestones - even if the span between them is long, and who understand your grief.