Dopers with siblings: Did you wish you didn't have them?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m the firstborn of 5 - I’m 50 and the youngest is 39. The first 3 of us came in rapid succession - I was 16 months when my sister was born and 31 months when my brother came along.

We had our ups and downs - no great extremes that I recall. I get along with them OK, but none of us have a lot in common - I guess because I left home at 19 when I joined the Navy, and except for a 30-month period from '80-'82, I haven’t lived near any of them. None of them left the Baltimore area, and even now that I’ve returned to Maryland, I’m 2 hours south of Baltimore.

I never understood people who claimed a sib was a “best friend” - the concept of being friends with a sibling is foreign to me. You’re a relative - you can’t be a friend. It doesn’t work that way!! :confused: I’d do anything I could to help any of them out (well, within reason - I won’t harbor a fugitive or anything) and we stay in touch via email and the occasional visit, but there’s no special closeness or bitter divisions. They’re just there.

42

I have one sister, who’s five years younger than me (effectively six, though, as I was six years ahead of her in school). Like Guin, I have clear memories of being an only child and I remember how excited I was to have a baby sister. She was an ordinary pest when I was a kid. Being young myself, I probably didn’t handle it too well. Stuff like kicking each other under the dinner table regularly got us both sent to our room (we shared until I was 10, when my pleading and begging finally got my parents to move my sister to the spare bedroom). We didn’t get along very well as kids, but I think it was due to our age difference.

Then it got worse. Her behavior toward me was just hideous. My parents let her get away with it a lot because I was older and should know better than to fight with her so much. Then I went to college. I know it hurt my mom that one of the big reasons I wanted to go away to school was to get away from my sister. But after I was gone and my sister began to act out towards my parents instead of me, my mom realized why. She actually apologized to me for ignoring my complaints for years! My sister isn’t violent, but she’s argumentative and unpredictable - the slightest thing will set her off into a rage. She had temper tantrums well into her teens. Heck, she might still have them from time to time.

She’s 20 years old now and finally getting a little better. She and my dad still fight constantly. Unfortunately, they’re too much alike. They both have a short fuse and will fight over the stupidest things you can imagine. I used to fight with my dad too, until I was fourteen and realized that there’s no point. He’ll get mad over something dumb, pick a fight, then cool down and realize how stupid it was and apologize profusely. I no longer allow him to pick fights and we haven’t argued in years. We get along great. My sister, OTOH…

The funny thing is, we’re a lot alike. We have similar points of view on a lot of topics. She’s very smart. I think if we weren’t sisters, we’d get along very well. We even have the same favorite book. She’s much kinder to other people - it’s almost like she’s another person, it’s amazing to see. Why can’t she be halfway pleasant to us? She thinks the three of us are mean to her, so she’s awful to us. Whereupon we’re annoyed at her, so she’s mean to us. It’s a circle that’s been going around for so long it’ll take years to break it. It’s sad, but things are definitely improving. When I moved to the midwest (my family lives in California) I didn’t talk to my sister for a whole year. But now we occasionally write emails and even talk on the phone. My family came to visit me in Chicago a few weeks ago and everyone got along relatively well.

So, I read these stories about how people struggled with their siblings and now are friends, and I take heart. As my mom always says, she’s the only sibling I’m ever going to have. I’d like for us to be friends.

43

I’ve a sibling 4 years younger. I would not even wish her on my worst enemy. Honest.

The damage (physical, mental, financial, etc) she has done to my folks and myself is unbelievable. She knows it and she doesn’t care. Basically saying that if we knew what happening, why did we allow it; it was our fault…

Not a nice person. Don’t even get me started on her poor kids :frowning:

44

I have an older sister. We didn’t get along very well at all when we were growing up. Now we get along fine, but we don’t have much in common. I see her when I go home to visit my parents, and I really enjoy it, but we’re not close.

Do I wish she didn’t exist? No. Absolutely not.

Do I think you’re drawing false conclusions about the plight of only children? Yes.

There are some disadvantages to having no siblings. Just as there are to having. I’m not sure you’ve pegged them correctly. I’m particularly curious about the statement that only children will be less socially developed upon starting school. I can see how that might be the case, but wonder how common a problem that is.

45

My childhood was miserable for a number of reasons, but certainly the way my sister (two years older) treated me was a significant factor. I think some of my self-esteem issues stem in large part from the fact that my sister, the person who should have been closest to me at that age, was always putting me down instead. Although my parents didn’t show her favouritism per se they did give in to her demands an awful lot more than they should have, just to keep her from throwing tantrums, and inevitably that worked to the disadvantage of myself and our younger brother. I’m now 34 and she’s 36 and it’s actually only within the past couple years that we have really grown close–at probably any time before then I would have said I wouldn’t have minded not having her for a sister.

As to the younger brother, apart from his typical middle-school monster years (which I think all boys go through), we’ve always got on wonderfully. My mother’s first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and, while I’d never tell her this, I’ve always been glad it did because if she’d had that child she might still have stopped at three and then my brother would never have been born, and that would suck incredibly.

So I guess the moral of the story is, it isn’t necessarily important to have siblings, it’s important to have good siblings.

46

I have two younger brothers. One is 2 years younger than I and the other is 8 years younger. Sure, they were annoying at times, but not enough that I ever wished they weren’t around.

These days, my brothers are very close to each other. I’m relatively close to them but not exceptionally so. I actually talk to my older brothers wife more often than I talk to him when I call, but only because we can girl talk and gossip well together.

The odd thing is, while I was (almost) always glad I had siblings, I think my older brother may have had some resentment towards me. I think he feels he may not have received as much of my parents’ attention as I did. I think in many ways, he’s right that I did get more attention.

There was never any intention on my parents’ part to have that happen. It’s just that I was very extroverted as a child and he was very introverted. If I had problems, I let everyone know. Likewise, if I had successes, I most assuredly let everyone know. My brother tended to keep things bottled up: both the bad and the good.

Also, because we were close in age, there was a lot of competitiveness between us. However, because I was older, he felt it more since by the time he was getting competitive with me in a particular thing, I was on to something else. For example, I won a swimming medal in 3rd grade (the year everyone in our school started taking swimming lessons). When my brother reached 3rd grade, he was bound and determined to win that same medal. However, when he did, I was in 5th grade and couldn’t care less about some silly medal they gave 3rd graders. That sort of thing happened a lot. I’d have some acheivement and he’d have to do the same thing. Unfortunately by the time he did, it had become rather old news.

Now my younger brother is damn lucky he had two older siblings! By the time he came along my parents were fully broken in and very little he could do would shock them.

47

I have a sis who is 4 years older than me and my brother is 2 years younger. We all fought like cats dogs most of the time. I lay most of the blame on my parents, however.

My little brother was favored simply because he was a boy, and because he was biologically my stepdads kid. My mom pretty much had the same crappy attitude, only watered down.
Then there’s my sister, who was a very angry person growing up. She tormented the hell out of both of us. Part of it was because of the abuse she suffered at the hands of my stepdad, physical, verbal, psychological, and sexual (I found out later). My mom did nothing about the first three types of abuse (some of which I suffered as well) when we were growing up. She to this day refuses to believe my sister about the sexual abuse.

I spent my childhood WISHING they would get a divorce. They finally did when I was 20. My brother was a downright conniving scumbag until my stepdad went to jail a few years ago. Now he’s turning out to be a halfway decent person, even though he is still hanging from mommy’s apronstrings at 23. We chit chat but we’re not all that close.

My sis and I get along good, even though we don’t get to talk or email that much. She’s much better since she went thru rehab for alcohol…and being a mommy seems to have helped her alot too.

48

When I was a kid, boy, did I wish I didn’t have a sister.

Growing up I hated, hated, hated her. Even now we are hardly close. We see each other about three times a year and can only have a non-confrontational conversation when we’re both drinking heavily. The only purpose I can realistically see her serving is at least providing me with some family once my parents are gone.

49

I have five siblings - a younger brother, an older brother, an older half-brother, and two older half-sisters.

Growing up, I rarely saw my half-sibs. It’s only been as an adult that I’ve gotten to know them. My older half-sis and I get along fabulously. She’s a teacher as well, and I go to her with problems, or to rant, or any other thing. I love her husband and her two daughters (who are only four and six years younger than me). The other half-sis is rather stand-offish, and I just haven’t gotten to know her very well at all. She doesn’t let people in. I get along fine with her husband, but the two of them have managed to raise a spoiled, manipulative poser brat of a daughter. My older half-bro is a very charasmatic, successful man. It would be really tough not to like him.

As a little girl, I worshipped my older brother. I can look back and understand that he was extremely introverted and shy and had little patience for a sister three years younger than him. At the time, all I knew was that he couldn’t stand having me around. After years of always being pushed away, teased, and rejected, I guess at some point I gave up. By the time I was in fourth or fifth grade, if there was something my older brother wanted from me, I would use it to hurt him, get back at him. By high school, it was fairly obvious that he wanted nothing to do with me, and I gave him the room he wanted, though it still hurt terribly. After he graduated from college, he came to me and apologized for how he treated me. That went a long way to healing that old pain. I can’t say that we’re really close, because he’s not very close to anyone. But I still love him, and I’m glad he’s part of my life.

My younger brother and I got along very well for the most part, though about the time I got to late middle school/early high school, I didn’t always treat him very well - almost as if I were mimicking how my older brother treated me. Then, I went off to college, and I must have done some growing up, because when I came back, my brother and I were much closer. Since then, I regard him as one of my best friends. We have a lot of common interests, and he’s a blast to spend time with. Every now and then, I slip up and do something jerky, but he’s always been good to me.

50

Well, there are some people in this thread who had very bad experiences with their siblings. But perhaps I was reacting to typical Gen-X one-upmanship. “My childhood was terrible, because I was effectively an only.” “No, MY childhood was worse, because my brother teased me!” “Yeah? Well I had TEN brothers, and they used me for target practice!” “Yeah, you’re so lucky Rilch! So you were lonely, so you have no shared memories, big deal! My sister stole my favorite doll!”

Fair enough. That’s why I started this thread: to get as many different perspectives as possible.

I have too many issues with my family to put in one post. I’ve deleted three attempts to highlight just one aspect. Suffice to say that I think people shouldn’t have “late babies” unless their existing children are stable enough that they can actually give the youngest child the attention she needs.

Well, most of my classmates were the product of planned pregnancies. Three kids per family, each ~2 years apart. They knew when to let something roll off their back and when to stand their ground. They knew how to claim what they had a right to, and when to share. I always got it backwards. Plus, I had a tendency to monopolize people, because I was so starved for companionship, but also a tendency to get antsy because I wasn’t used to being crowded. But to be fair, I was also raised in a rural area, with only one other family that had kids at all, and they weren’t even in my age group.

51

My sister is about three years younger than I. We were constantly fighting as we grew up, although I do remember some fun times. My mother was an only child and my father was the sixth amongst seven children, but he was not close to them, due to religious reasons I will not go into here.

I wish my sister and I were closer, but I do not like her new husband and they are both extreme fundie Xians, so I’m a bit uncomfortable around them.

My husband, on the other hand, is incredibly close with his sisters. He’s in the middle, and was seven when the younger sister was born. So his older sister got to play mommy a bit, and since his dad was in the Air Force, they traveled quite a lot. So Ivylad and his sisters were the only playmates for each other.

I want to raise my children like my husband with raised, having his sisters as his best friends. I’m closer to his sisters than my own.

52

That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think? Being an only child is not exactly a hardship, it’s just…an aspect of that particular persons life.

Anyway, I’m curious as to what you’re basing your opinion of true only-childdom on. Like you said, you weren’t one. Based on your post, your problem was not being an only child: it was having sibling who had no use for you. Have you ever comsidered that you might have been happier if you had in fact been an only child, and not grown up knowing that you had older sibling you were not close to?

I guess, but you get all the love and attention as well. It’s tradeoff. Besides, not everyone has parents who “put them on the spot” or a need to share blame. Not everyone needs to act out and do things that put them “in the spot” in the first place.

Sure, it happens - once every two years or so, and only from strangers and idiots (I guess it happens more to people who actually act spoiled).

However, based on the experience of my friends-with-siblings, they get similiar things. On friend of mine who is an oldest brother was always being yelled at for being mean to his baby sis; in fact, she would deliberately sit near him and start crying, to get him in trouble.

My friends who are youngest children similarly complain of being called babies, no matter how mature and responsible they try to be. And they get the same bull about being spoiled (might that be the case with you Rilch? Not because you were a semi-only, but because you were “the baby”?)

You can’t win I guess. But you know what? The annoying bit is not being accused of being spoiled, its the self-righteous people with sibs who take it upon themselves to feel sorry for me.

I won’t argue this one. I am not aware of anyone actualy doing a study to prove/disprove this, and I personally have never been ahead of the curve in social development; though that might have more to do with being bookish and geeky than with being an only child.

I do understand the feeling of not having anyone who shared your childhood; that, and only that, is the real loss of being an only child.

Otherwise, sorry for the hijack; I have no sibs, and so can’t ad anything. I never honestly wished for siblings, if that helps.

53

Yikes, I’d completely forgotten this thread! You make good points, Septima, and I’d certainly be glad to be wrong about mine.

54

I have 2 brothers & a sister, all younger than me.

They were a postive force in my life.
I’m glad to have been raised in a big familty (3 boys, 1 girl, Mom, Dad, Grandma, Great Grandma, Great grandpa, Grandpa, various dogs, cats, hamsters, goldfish, guppies, & parakeets. Not all at once, but all under the same roof.)

55

I’m 39. I have a brother who is 2 years older, and a sister who is 2 years younger.

My brother is extremely lazy, runs around on his wife, and is a complete moocher. He has no trait I find admirable. My sister has mooched off my mom her whole life. She’s had countless boyfriends and has been on and off drugs.

It’s sad to say, but I have nothing to do with either of them. I have no respect for either, and have absolutely nothing in common with them. :frowning:

56

I have an older brother who was horrible to me as much as he could be; I could disgust you with stories about him for many pages. He will likely be an albatross around my neck when my parents are gone and his wife has divorced him. He’s 3 years older but has never lived on his own or taken care of his own household himself. I have always wished he never existed and I continue to do so.

57

I love all my siblings. I did wish for my mom to not have anymore (I thought 8 sibs was enough) and that did come true, however, had that child been born, I’m sure I would’ve loved him/her as much as my other siblings. My parents are both huge nerds and while it was difficult being the eldest, my brother and I paved the way for my younger siblings who are geeks/nerds yet are very popular with their peeps and have wonderful social skills. I almost lost a younger brother of mine to cancer and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. If he had died, I doubt I would’ve been able to recover.

58

I’m closer to my sister than to my brothers, but growing up they were all the bane of my existence (I used to sit in the back of the family station wagon on road trips chanting “I’m adopted. I’m adopted.” Yes, I was a charming child.) But to this day, the big insult among the sibs is, “well, you’re dad’s natural child.”

It was hard growing up with them; we fought a lot, which I suppose is natural. And I think one of the reasons I love living alone is that having grown up with people around all them time, I really enjoy the quiet when there’s no one here.

And it’s funny: I’m the only one of the sibs that lives alone. My sister has three generations living in her house; my brother lives with his wife and kid; and the youngest has a passel of roommates. Hadn’t thought about that before.

Anyway, now that we’re grown, I can’t imagine not having them. It kind of makes me sad for my niece, that she’ll be an only and not have all the crazy stuff that we did.