I’d tell the squirrels and chipmunks to keep going in the direction they were headed. You’re more likely to get squished by a car if you freak out in midcrossing and try to go back. Forward, squirrels, forward!
I’d advise toads to please not even try to cross roads, no matter how sexy the toad on the other side looks/sounds. You are fat and soft and slow. Cars are not.
I’d tell the squirrel that tried to figure out where the hummingbird feeder went the other day that batting at the screw on cap because you can’t see the rest of the feeder likely means that the feeder has been moved because the people didn’t want to feed squirrels, but hummingbirds. It was fricken hilarious! The stupid rodent kept swatting the cap for the hummingbird feeder to see if it would come out of cloak or something for about five minutes. Then came back ten minutes later, and did it again! I wish we had a camcorder for that…
I’d tell the chipmunks that eating the seed that falls from the feeder is fine, but when they start climbing up the pole to lie in the feeding trough, my parents will get the live trap out again, and drown some more of them.
Listen to me!
We don’t have to be just SHEEP!
(and I don’t wear plaid anyway)
Oh and Beavers, knock it off, you’re making the rest of us look bad.
I’d tell the birds to stop crapping on my car (they do it on purpose, I swear to gods, I park 20 feet away from the trees), and I’d tell my best friend’s 50 lb bassett hound that he’s not a lap dog. He probably wouldn’t believe me though, the poor thing isn’t very bright.
I’d carefully explain to my very fat cat how much better he’d feel if he’d just lose a few pounds, stop eating so much, and go outside and exercise. And how waking me at 4am because he’s out of cat food is extremely rude…
To my kitten Maya: ok, bummer they cut out your uterus and chopped off your front claws. I’m really sorry. And really, I know how darn cute you can be without even trying. But the biting thing has got to go. Biting hurts. You don’t know because nobody’s ever bitten you. And stop jumping on your big brother’s back and biting him on his neck. He’s 86 years old (17 to you), and you’re almost as big as he is, even though you’re only 8 months, and that’s not even counting your big bushy tail that appeared practically overnight.
So be a good girl and stop the biting and breaking of backs. Otherwise, well, maybe your teeth will be the next thing removed.
‘Dogs, please start thinking about what you eat. Tissues? Napkins? Cat crap? What exactly is the thought process here?’
‘Dolphins, hey, what up? You seem to have this happiness thing pretty well figured out. Mind if we chill?’
I guess we could repeat some of the unsolicited advice from the archives
I’d re-advise Giraffes to Gain a few pounds
I’d advise Lions to use grass as camoflauge.
I’d re-advise Tigers to Wear Earplugs
I’d also advise my dog to not crawl inside pillowcases to nap. I’m not kidding. I got on the couch this morning, and started to rest on a pillow, when I hear “yip!” and rustling around inside the throw pillowcase. Crazy dog.
I would advise whales that swim near shorelines to buy a map.
“If I could talk to the animals…I wouldn’t, because they’re fucking animals!”
-Dennis Miller
I’d advise geese to seriously consider some anger management therapy. They have issues. Bad ones. I’ve never seen a goose in a good mood.