Dr. Dolittle Poll: If I Could Talk To The Animals, I'd Advise ________s To _________

In My Humble Opinion
1

Subtitled: The Rex Harrison / Ann Landers Memorial Thread

Prompted by the fact yet another shinpū tokubetsu kōgeki tai sparrow mistook my bedroom window for the bridge of the USS Franklin this morning.
(Note to self: Pick up a few sun catchers @ the craft store on the way home from work today)

Deviating from Mehitabel’s advice to canorous birds who mock light sleepers in the wee hours; I’d like to offer some guidance to my winged, egg-laying neighbors:

I’d Advise All Birds[sup]1[/sup] To Do A Quick 180 Whenever Flying Toward Man-Made Structure.
[sup]1[/sup]Even winged rats known as pigeons)

It’s a pain for me when I have to get the hose out to wash your blood-soaked down on my 2nd floor window…But any temporary discomfort I feel pales in comparison to the blunt force trauma you experience. It’s simple and well-intentioned advice: Structure = About Face. True, it’s not always going to be an invisible window, but even if it’s an open door, you’re either gonna find yourself in a warehouse, Home Depot or someone’s living room.

So, if you have any advice you’d like to offer to the creature’s of the world, I’ll be sure to forward it off to Mother Nature (she calls me at least a dozen times a day). Let’s try and keep pet & Sponge references down to an acceptable level.

2

I’ll tell you this much, I’d never tell an alligator “bite my snatch.”

3

I’d tell penguins to stay the hell away from those dockside harlots, the seagulls.

4

I’d tell the dogs not to envy the whole opposable thumb thing; on the whole, being able to lick your own nuts is better.

5

I’d advise my dog to stop eating golf balls, motorcycle helmets and poison.

6

I’d advise all animals to rise up!
Rise up!
RISE UP! WITH BLOODIED FANG & CLAW, & STRIKE DOWN THE BOURGEOISIE HUMAN OPPRESSORS!

I’ve always seen Tarzan as the Karl Marx of the animal world. :slight_smile:

7

Personally I’d advise 'possums to go to a clearly defined crosswalk and wait for the “walk” light before attempting to cross the street.

8

I’d tell the Wlidebeasts to look at the river very carefully before drinking.

9

I’d advise the neighbors dog to STFU!

10

I’d tell Zebras not to wear plaid.

11

I’d tell all cats to frolic and play and snuggle with me.

12

**I’d advise Penguins to ** get some name tags.

13

I’d tell snakes that the humans are probably more scared than they are.

14

I would tell all cats that the humans don’t react because they can’t see the fairies.

I would tell all pandas to go ahead and have all the irresponsible sex they want–their human captors will even help them to do so.

I would tell all ferrets to calm the hell down.

15

'possums are notorious for ignoring all jaywalking ordinances (reasoning that they are not “jays”). They seem to practice the only sporadically effective “stop-drop-and-roll” method.

16

I’d tell all cattle to, I don’t know, get some personality like a dolphin or something…

17

No, it goes like this:

Hmmm, lotas cars coming that way.
Lotas cars coming that way, too.

I think I’ll try it.

Uh oh, a Mack truck.
I know! I’ll play dead!

WHACK

18

I’d tell mice and bats to stay the hell away from my house. Not a friendly living environment.

19

Oh? Why’s that?
:confused:

20

I’d advise bees, wasps, hornets, and yellow jackets to stop buzzing ominously around me.

Seriously. I can handle pain pretty well. I’ve never seen anyone in my family get stung by anything. I’ve never been stung by anything. Bees just freak me out.
shudder