Dumb as a...

A post in this thread reminded me of a thread I was wnting to start. I need some new “dumb as a” expressions. The classics are of course “dumb as a bag of hammers” and “dumb as a box of rocks” (or “box of hair” as an alternate). But I need some new ones.

So far the best among several lame attempts is “dumb as a suitcase full of hats.” I know y’all can do better than that. Little help?

Trying to avoid the “s dumb as a (container) of (objects)” the only thing I can come up with is “As dumb as a walrus BASE jumping without a parachute.”

How about “As dumb as a star of popular TV show leaving it to pursue a career making intermittent and uniformly terrible films.” Too unwieldy?

not quite in the same form:

“not the sharpest tool in the box”


“not the brightest bulb in the hallway”

As dumb as a dumb person doing something really…dumb.

As dumb as a quilted bikini.
As dumb as a handle on a bowling ball.
As dumb as a leather parachute.
As dumb as a tap dancer in a minefield.

Dumb as a stump.

That boy’s about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

dumb as a teenager in a whorehouse
sharp as a ball peen hammer
the shortest crayon in the box
“too dumb to pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel” Lyndon Johnson

Dumb as a fence post.

Not really a dumb as but I like as useless as tits on a boar hog too.

**Dumb as a box of mimes. **(Playing on “dumb” also meaning mute)(And the fact that mimes love that dumb air-box)

Dumb as a screen door on a submarine (It alliterates better as “stupid as a screen door. . .”)

Dumb as a brick wall and twice as funny

Dumb as a Ken doll in a porn film

Not a ‘dumb as’ but feel free to use this as necessary…
“tighter than a preacher’s cock in a heffers ass”.

Works well when removing nails or unscrewing the lid on the pickle jar. :smiley:

Then of course you have the “(blank) short of a (blank)” series:

2 tacos short of a combination plate
2 beers short of a six pack
a sandwich short of a picnic

and so on…

[Beavis voice]
Heh heh,
you said box of hair.
Heh heh.
[/Beavis voice]

Dumb as a push-up pop.
If dumb was dirt, he’d cover about an acre.
If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.
He’s 'bout as sharp as a mashed potato.
He’s got an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt.
He’s a french fry short of a Happy Meal.
If brains were gas,he couldn’t drive a go-cart around a cheerio.

Dad always told me I was “dumber than a coalbucket”. And then he’d tell me I “couldn’t find my butt with both hands and a map”. I love my Dad! (no, really!)

I personally like “daft as a brush”.

Sharp as a marble

My dad always used to say that some people “couldn’t find their ass with both hands and a flashlight.” I still use that one to this day

Good Britishism: “thick as two short planks.”

I heard this used a few years ago while in Arkansas:
“That boy’s dumber than a turd in a bucket. If you shove his brain up a gnats ass, it will rattle like a BB in a box-car.”

Dumber than a house plant.

My favorite: Dumber than a ditch carp.