This thread;
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1445097#post1445097
started to get a little off-topic, (Surprise 
) but reminded me of a couple really funny incidents I witnessed.
In about 1967 or so a motorcycle cop stopped me for speeding. He was practically a poster boy for his job. Tall and well built, and he knew it. Well, as he was writing me up his tool belt fell down around his ankles. He just stood there for a moment, not knowing how to act. He simply couldn’t figure a way to retrieve his belt while maintaining his dignity.
It was funny as hell, and I couldn’t stop laughing. He was not at all amused, and seriously threatened to take me to jail if I didn’t shut my mouth. I didn’t quit, and he didn’t take me away, but I left with a pretty expensive ticket. It was worth it. 
So, any fellow dopers had an experience with dumb cops or crooks?
Peace,
mangeorge
Bunch o’ Sydney cops responded to an alarm act city bank in the wee small hours. The pulled up outside, had a peek through the windows, then drove off satisfied it was a false alarm. Had they bothered to venture around the back, they might have spotted the gaping hole which had been blown through the solid brick wall…
One time I was pulled over for speeding on I-30, passing through Mesquite, TX. The cop got my drivers license and went back to his car. After a few minutes waiting I hear him on the car loudspeaker say ‘Roll up your window, we are under attack by bees’, just then the sky is slightly darkened as a huge swarm of bees comes flying across the interstate. The cop was quite visibly shaken after they passed and he returned to the car, looking around nervously as he explained ‘I don’t like bees and they don’t like me’. Not really a case of stupidity, but I thought it was funny he was so scared, and I’ll probably never be warned of impending bee attack over a loudspeaker in my life (at least I hope so).
Back in December of '91 I was hit by an 18-wheeler. My car was a wreck after bouncing across the highway and coming to rest against the centre median.
When the police eventually arrived, they talked to me, asked me what happened, and handed me a business card. They talked to the truck driver, handed him a card, and told him to move along. They talked to the tow-truck driver, handed him a card, and told him to take my car away.
Then they left. I had to dash across the highway during a blizzard and hitch a ride home.
I hate cops.
I heard this one from a deputy I know. He shall be refered to as KDawg.
There is a bar near here, in a rural area with nothing much around. One night someone deciedes to burglarize it.
A deputy in the area notices the break in and calls for backup. The bar has a front door, a back door, and no windows. Since the deputy is alone, he parks his cruiser against the back door, and waits out front with his gun.
By the time KDawg got thier there was a detective, 2 deputies, and a deputy from a neihboring county all waiting outside the bar. They eventually decide to go in.
The go in, search the place, and find no one. So they decide to do what cops do bes, sit around and jaw-jack*. Some of them sit on stools, and KDawg sits on a large chest freezer.
After about 2 hours of jaw-jackin, they hear a tapping sound. Yep, the criminal had been in the freezer under Kdawg’s ass the whole time.
He was begging to be taken to a nice warm cruiser after that.
*One of Kdawg’s old people slang words for talking.
Maybe sometime I’ll post one of his stories about Vietnam, or arresting people caught having sex in cars. He’s got tons of 'em. I can’t tell them as good as he does. though.
Lady friend is driving at a high rate of speed, Flashing lights behind us, she pulls over, cop walks up to window and asks, “Where’s the fire little lady?” My lady friend’s comment was priceless. She looked up, batted her eyes and in what I can only describe as a “Dumb Blonde” voice said, “In my pants Officer, think your hose can reach?” The cop turned bright red, backed up a step and walked back to his cruiser. He drove off and after a short time so did we. Much more slowly this time. Short distance up the road more flashing lights. The same cop walks up to us, reaches to the roof of the car, retrives the ticket book and without a word walks back and drives off. It took a while for the laughter to stop.
Cop story: This happened while I was married. My husband would get one speeding ticket per year, it drove him nuts that I’d never had one. We were driving on a highway, I saw one of those ‘authorized vehicle only’ turnaround things nesteled in a grove of trees, but saw it too late to really alter my speed sufficiently. As we passed it, I saw that yes there was a police car, and yes, he was lurching forward putting the lights on. So I pulled over into the right hand lane and started slowing down, anticipating being pulled over. My husband was laughing. I looked in the rearview mirror - no lights. I pulled off the side of the road, turned around to see that the officer had jumped out of his car and opened up the hood 'cause his cruiser was on fire. My husband never did forgive me.
Dumb crook stories are easier - I work with offenders, and most of the stories are of the type where I said “and this seemed like a good plan, because???” some notables:
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man& woman robbing pizza parlor, she’s the driver. He goes it with shot gun ‘gimme money’, hits cash register w/gun to emphasize ‘the gimme money’, thereby breaking the cash register so that it won’t open, they leave with nothing. Fast forward 3 years later when she’s getting out of prison. She hands me her ‘job seek plan’ for the day, and I tell her “um, you can’t go here to apply” “Why not?” Well, it’s the place you robbed".
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Guy walked to the site of his armed robbery - cause it was just around the corner from where he lived.
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Drunk guy w/buddy decide to rob a 7-11. He’s so drunk (how drunk was he?), he didn’t realize that A. the clerk was his (the robbers) sister’s old boyfriend and knew him. B. his buddy and slipped out the door 'cause C. the cops had just pulled up.
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Another 7-11 robber left on foot, was found in the next block at the strip club. (3 - 7 years in prison vs. naked babes…)
that’s all I remember at the moment.
I was watching “Savage Earth” on PBS yesterday, one of the topics was meteorites, specifically one that fell through the trunk of a Malibu Classic one night about 6 years ago. The owner, upon hearing an unknown noise outside, called 911. She says that when the cops arrived, they asked if she had any enemies who would throw this rock at her car. She’s like, “At my car? This thing went through my car! I don’t know anyone that strong!” The rock in question was the size of a pair of softballs.
Did anyone else see that video of the cop who busted out an old woman’s front window to warn her that her house was aflame, only to find out that the fire was at the house behind her’s? He must have worked on that window for 10 minutes. “My alarm’s not going off” she said. That finally got his attention.
I think it was on Cops, but I’m not sure.
Funny as hell. I actually felt sorry for the guy.
Peace,
mangeorge
I thought the Quebec City cops who decided that a violent contingent smaller than that at the St-Jean-Baptiste parade every year was a good reason to teargas the entire area code were pretty dense.
A traffic cop was trying to stop a speeding male driver. The traffic cop would close in on the driver and then the driver would floor it and speed away. Eventually, the driver conceded and pulled over, the cop runs up to the car and demands to know what the problem was. The driver told the cop “My wife left me five years ago for a traffic cop”. The cop then asks, “What the heck does that have to do with you speeding?” The drivers response, “I thought you were trying to give her back.”
Well, I was in a near roll-over outside of Bethlehem, PA, when we hit a piece of black ice on a freeway entrance ramp. Another car had done the same thing a few minutes earlier. We came to a stop on the ramp; the other was in the median. When the police got there, I begged them to close the ramp or at least put some flares down because we were sitting ducks and even if we weren’t smashed, there’d surely be another car who would careen off the road. They said they couldn’t because it was close to the end of their shift and they had to go back to the station. They’d send the next shift out to help us (meanwhile we’d be sitting there). Apparently there was a city budget crunch and they were told absolutely no overtime, ever, get your butts back to the station and clock out for your shift no matter what.
A few minutes later another car hit the same patch of black ice and went flying. One officer literally had to dive out of the way to keep from being creamed. Then they got into their cruiser and left. No kidding. The next shift of cops helped us out and cleaned up the accident.
This wasn’t so much dumb cops as cops being hogtied by stupid regulations, I guess. We’re lucky someone didn’t get killed.
Japan’s a pretty safe place, but it’s sure not because of the cops.
In Niigata prefecture, a policeman was arrested for beating up a taxi driver while drunk. His (the drunk cop’s) boss, instead of reprimanding him for unprofessional (not to mention criminal) behavior, orders the officers of his precinct to start arresting cops from the arresting officer’s precinct in order to ‘get even’.
A few years back, one of the newspapers had a article stating that organized crime membership had increased by 639 (or some similarly specific number). I asked one of my students (I was teaching a class of police detectives) how they could have so precise a figure. His answer? “Oh, they tell us.”
me: “They what?”
student: “Every year their PR office sends out a report.”
At this point, I wasn’t sure what was more disturbing: A criminal organization that gives out reports on membership and activities, a police department that trusts them enough to rely on them for information, or a system where the cops and crooks are so cozy that neither thinks the situation is unusual.
In 1997, a drunk man in his 60’s walked into a police box in Tokyo and started threatening officers with a knife. He managed to stab three officers before he was wrestled to the ground. Only one officer had the presence of mind to draw his gun, which he then threw at the attacker.
Personal experience: When walked around with my friend one day, we found a credit card lying on the sidewalk. Being good honest citizens (er, well, temporary residents), we decide to turn it in at the local police box (besides, no shopkeeper is going to believe that I’m Jiro Yamada). After we turn in this card, which has the owner’s name and the phone number of the card company very clearly printed on it, the officer asks: “if nobody comes to claim it, do you want it back?” I pointed out to him that the owner’s name was on the card, but I should have asked him “can I use it?”
I could also tell you about the gross incompetence of the police in the Niigata kidnapping case, but it’s too sickening and too sad for a humor thread.
–sublight.
Never underestimate the danger of a thrown gun. In the old * Superman * TV series, they used to shoot at him, and he stood there and let the bullets bounce off his chest, but when they threw the gun at him, he had to duck…
The stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say was said by a police officer. I had just been in an accident and the police officer comes over to me and says “I don’t want to give you a ticket, but I have to” This didn’t make to much impression on me at the time because I was worried about the damage to my car. Later when I thought about it I came up with some snappy comebacks.
- If you don’t want to give me a ticket, don’t. There’s nobody here but you and me and I won’t tell.
- …and you telling me this because you want to totally ruin an already crappy day?
I’d also like to give a stupidity award to the cop who pulled me over while I was driving a Taxi and gave me a ticket for driving around with children not being buckled up. Hello moron! It’s not MY fault the cab wasn’t equipped with selt belts.
Pretty odd situation here. A shoot out between officers.
I experienced a humorous situation some years ago. A Fish and Game Officer wrote me a ticket for a minor fishing offense and left me to continue on his rounds. Driving out of the area, I spied a tatum in the middle of the road which contained my ticket, along with all the other tickets the poor guy wrote that week.
Prior to that I considered myself a rather ethical fellow, but damn, I love that tatum! {tatum= loose-leaf metal notebook}
In the mid 80’s someone broke into my appt. and stole some frozen snacks from my freezer, the remote for my tv, a David Bowie concert t-shirt, and my stash box (which only contained some seeds and papers). Funny part was, sitting atop the box was a japanese noodle bowl with about 40 bucks in small bills and change. He/she left the money, but dumped some of the bills out putting the bowl back.
Peace,
mangeorge