Dumb motherfucking IM sex trolls.

Horndog #1: Yeah, I was willing to talk to you because your initial messages weren’t utterly, crashingly boring. However, I have SEEN that bullshit “tell her something deeply personal about yourself so that she will feel freer to divulge her innermost fantasies for your polluted mind to enjoy” ploy before. It didn’t work. It’s not GOING to work. And of course I’m fucking not sending you nude pics of me, are you out of your MIND?

Horndog #2: Yes, I’m happily married. What? Yeah, happily married. So no, I don’t want you to buy me a plane ticket to Suckmydick, NV. Anyone desperate enough to make an offer like that to someone they’ve only TYPED TO, TWICE, is probably unwashed, uncouth and disease-ridden anyhow. And I’m talking Leprousy, here.

Horndog #3: Yes, I am a bored housewife. No, I don’t have a porn site. Have a nice day.

Horndog #4: I hate to break this to you, but you are BORING. “hee hee i like yr tits” is not, amazingly enough, going to sweep me off of my feet and send me into spasms of joy. “do u want to suck my dick” isn’t, either. And the lyrical invitation, “cum on cyber w/me” is intriguing only in the anthropological gems to be found in the apparent regression of the human species. Oh yeah…and I can tell you’re only 13, dumbass.

Horndog #5: I’m sorry I don’t measure up to your Ideal Internet Love Connection because I actually use ICQ to…hold onto your hat…TALK TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I don’t have the little “Chat with me PLEAAAAAASE” icon on, because…well, because I’m not looking for random chat partners. The blatant hostility in my profile (which you should have read, genius) should be a pretty good indicator that my Bullshit-O-Meter is calibrated VERY low.

And for crying out loud…did Turkey just get DSL or something? EVERY GODDAMNED DAY one of you randomly IMs me to chat. What? What? No! Isn’t there anything to do in Turkey? Don’t you have women there? What the FUCK?

do u cyber?

This is why I stick with AIM, and this is why I don’t allow random people to see my profile.

With that being said, I’ve only cybered with someone once (she knows who she is), and no, I didn’t masturbate during the act. I can’t type with only one hand.

I’d rather stick with toothbrushes, personally.

(Ice Wolf raises paw politely …)

Please, Hamadryad … what’s a Horndog?



r u horny?


Part of me wants to know what the toothbrush is for, the other part is screaming, “RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!”

Yes, Crunchy. Run away. (Spoofe, hon, not everyone read or wants a retread of that particular thread, mmmkay?)


The lyric elegance of your prose is only surpassed by your breathtaking beauty.

Now cum on!


Wait, you mean that was YOU? Shit.

I normally pretend to be a lonely Turkish man online because I find that women are sympathetic to my poor mastery of the English language. Really.

I now have an image of Hama sending this sentence:

to Horndog #4, inducing jets of steam to shoot from his ears as he types his reply: “is that good r bad?”

I’d bet you my next mortgage payment that cybersex with one of these clowns would go something like this (my apologies for not doing your writing talents justice, Ham):

Ham: brushing by you lightly, just enough to leave you wondering what I’ve got on underneath the silky material of my dress, I light the taper on the mantel and turn down the lights. I pause across the room and sip my wine, looking into your eyes all the while over the rim of the crystal…

Horndog: Cum yank out my big 9incher babee. U know U want it.

Ham: Er, uh, hold on a moment, big guy, I just want to drink in the sight of you, enjoy the moment, the seduction. I put the wine goblet down, letting my fingers linger on the stem for a long moment. I cross the room towards you, warmed by the look on your face, the way your warm skin on your strong arms contrasts with the cool crisp cotton of your shirt…

Horndog: Show me them tits. R U wet yet? I wanna lick your dripping poontang before I stuf it ful. ooooh.

Ham: sigh Um, well, we can move things along, I guess… let’s see. I ease my dress off, savoring the cool air against my skin, knowing it’s making my nipples pucker, clearly visible against the thin satin of my bra… We embrace slowly, as I savor that first gentle yet demanding kiss, your lips possessing mine with a tenderness that takes my breath away…

Horndog: I’m yankin on my wong now. U want it in the ass? bend over so I can aim 4 that brown star with my big meat…

Ad nauseum.

Golly, what we discriminating types are missing out on!

Yawn…don’t like the perverts? Put them on ignore…what’s the problem?

Well when you get 20 of them a day, putting them on ignore constantly gets to be a chore. WHy do they do that anyway? Why randomly try to talk sex with people? I don’t get it.

And I agree… why are they all from Turkey?? I started a thread about this a long time ago with a bunch of quotes and I think I mentioned the Turkish thing then, too… it’s downright spooky.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tan and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I’m also wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

For the full text go to: http://www.roarks.com/Pages/cyberchat.html

Who knows what lurks in the heart of the chronically bored and desperate! But if the OP is referring to ICQ, those messages didn’t come from nowhere…either she has made hereself available to random chat or there is something in her user details which makes it obvious she’s female. If she’s truly interested in eliminating these unsolicited messages, then her user name and profile would be completely gender neutral.

I have a sneaking suspicion that while one side of her brain is heartily offended at the unsolicited remarks, the other side is quietly pleased and flattered at the attention.

Well, the following was an actual conversation that my best girlfriend, Kate, had a few weeks ago from a random IMer… since it just seems to fit in with the OP…

WMul121459: hi kathryn
Kate: hello
WMul121459: hi whats up you doing ?
Kate: i am sitting here wondering what search word you searched me up on so i know how to talk with you
WMul121459: really anyway are you looked for dating to me
Kate: wanna translate that?
WMul121459: are you likes sexy ?
Kate: what is your native language?
WMul121459: you want some show to you like it of size dk
Kate: it’s amazing who they will give a keyboard to these days
WMul121459: well that is life to sexy you want do
Kate: lemme guess - you just bought a brand new random word generator and wanted someone to try it out on
WMul121459: well i cant that tell you about it
Kate: why?
Kate: is it a government secret?
WMul121459: i need you for sexy you want and meet at where
Kate: i want and meet at superstring theory dilettante headquarters when find
WMul121459: i dont know where is place
Kate: find when boxing ballast 5:30
WMul121459: what
Kate: when you want finding city scape redfern
WMul121459: whittier mall
Kate: why when?
WMul121459: to up you want
Kate: found want went whittier mall sky hook
Kate: ok?
WMul121459: when
Kate: 5:30
WMul121459: when or tonight or when
Kate: billing blade marsey dotes - but not on west bundle - on east - ok?
Kate: do you know where the pig is?
WMul121459: well
Kate: deep well
WMul121459: are you want see me for sure
Kate: brass pig - outside the market - 5:30 - ok?
Kate: how could i not want see you for sure?
WMul121459: when or what
Kate: what when find billing blade
Kate: by pig
Kate: 5:30
WMul121459: i cant understand you talk
Kate: wednesday redfern skyhook whittier mall north
Kate: you can’t?
Kate: why?
Kate: you not speak english good?
WMul121459: that is clear to on wednesday at 530 pm
Kate: when find?
WMul121459: whittier mall
Kate: by pig?
WMul121459: meet at sky room
Kate: sexy find bench see window wednesday 5:30 if red blank by ATM
Kate: sky room blank window?
WMul121459: yeah ok
Kate: ok -wednesday - 5:30 - whittier mall - sky room by pig window
Kate: see you there
WMul121459: ok surebye

And people wonder why I usually have everything blocked… :rolleyes:

Okay, everyone, I’m gonna make a new IM SN. Right now. Then I will go online with it. This IM identity will list me as “female”. Then I will report back and let everyone know how long it took for someone to randomly IM me for cybersex.

Gah, it’s been an hour and I ran out of patience. T’heck with this. ::goes back to his old screen name:: Ah… feels MUCH better…

(Probably wasn’t a good idea, anyway)

Cranky, you’re KILLING me. That was hysterical.

Jalapeno: Man, that thing was funny the first time I read it in “Playboy” back in 1996, but maybe it’s time to give it a rest…?

EddietheDane: The only thing in my profile is my first name - which my parents made up, so it’s relatively gender-neutral - nothing else. No a/s/l, none of that. And believe me, if you knew me at all, you would know that being IMed by random cyberpigs is nothing I find remotely flattering. It’s really just pathetic.

JavaMaven1: That is a work of art. Ye gods. “Kate: sexy find bench see window wednesday 5:30 if red blank by ATM”…ow…ow…my sides…

An actual conversation that took place when me and my friend were on aol. Normally we put them on ignore but were feeling a bit wicked and decided to see how long we could take the piss out of this guy before he left. He didnt!

Tosser: Hi
eirroc: Hi
talked for awhile and then:
Tosser: Would you like to go to a private room?
eirroc: OK
in room plesantries over
Tosser: I’m really hard now, what about you?
eirroc: I’m heaving my 20 stone body off the chair to undo my trousers.
Tosser: mmmmmm, getting really hot now, undoing my zip and taking my dick out.
eirroc: what ya gonna do with that thing?
Tosser: I’m taking it out of my trousers to put in your mouth.
eirroc: wait till I take my teeth out.
Tosser: I’m putting my dick in your mouth now.
eirroc: gagging.
eirroc: oh and its minging (stinking)
obviously does what he has to do and then:
Tosser: Thanks very much that was great.

eirroc and friend in stitches by this time that he’d kept going despite the piss taking. That was a shortened version, this guy took some seriousribbing.

Ah, the things I miss by eschewing IM!