From Tom Stoppard’s On the Razzle: “Call me a half-witted cab, you hansom fool!”
When passing a cemetery, “People are dying to get in there!”
Stopped being funny when I was about 10.
I was in a coffee shop and asked for cappuccino. The server gave me my drink, then held out the shaker.
“Chocolate?” he said.
“Yes. I know” I replied, deadpan.
I think I would have said “Yes, it is.”
“What is a noun[?]”
“No it isn’t”
This caused bedlam in middle school English class.
Repeating in a Borat type voice “My wife” whenever someone mentions their female spouse.
I’m in Payroll. How many times have I heard “Hey, add a zero to my check” or “You can give me a second check anytime”? Nyuk, nyuk.
Hey, welcome back ! I hope you’ve got a note from your mum to explain your absence !
(Yes, i know it’s a dumb, obvious joke but i couldn’t help but reflexively make it !)
hey, it really seems you wandered off
chr chr
When I was a kid, this was often heard between my siblings and I.
“Hey, can you make me a sandwich?”
“Poof! You’re a sandwich!”
Another variation: once my daughter couldn’t find her phone. “Can you call my phone?”
Me: “Heeeeeeeere, phone! Heeeeeeeere phone phone phone!”
I thought it was hilarious. She did not.
My admin.
I love her. I value her. I have told her she has a job for life.
But every time I call the office and she sees my number on the caller ID, she answers “Joe’s Bar and Grill”
And after literally hundreds of times, she still thinks it’s funny.
It kind of is.
Apropos to the holiday, I couldn’t resist saying “I’m taking the rest of the year off!” when I left work Friday. And I’m sure I’ll tell some poor cow-orker “I haven’t seen you since last year!” when I go back on January 2nd.
I would call myself “King of the Dad Joke”, but @Prof.Pepperwinkle pretty much has that title locked up.
When I retired in September one of my parting comments to a cow-orker was “I’m taking the rest of the year off!” Not knowing my personal situation they seemed perplexed by this familiar but unseasonable comment.
On further consideration I now think I’ll take the rest of 2024 off as well. So now I know what to say right after we finish the countdown and shout “Happy New Year!” 
Thanks for the inspiration.
Oh, god, what have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Well, it is the dead centre of town.
I prefer “Heaven, God speaking.”
In my household*, if one loses an object, the first step to finding it is to stand in the middle of the room, eyes closed and arms outstretched, fingers of each hand touching, while intoning, “First, I must become one with [the phone].”
*I live alone. This might help explain it.