“I’m hotter than a hen in a wool basket, and her in heat.”
“I don’t know you from Adam’s housecat.”
“He’s as sharp as mayonaise.”
“He’s tougher than an old dog’s asshole.” - How the guy who said this knows this, I don’t want to know.
“A few roos loose in the top paddock”
“A one man slum”
“Couldn’t organise his way out of a wet paper bag”
“Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery”
Said about driving on icy roads - “Slicker than goose shit on linoleum” Another one about something good happening - “Better than a kick in the nuts wiht a frozen cowboy boot.”
I can’t believe this thread is here, I was sitting in bed saying I wanted to start a thread like this the next morning. Here are mine.
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Im gonna beat you like a red-headed step-child
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Im gonna beat you like a rented-mule
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She’s been banged more times than a screen door in a hurricane
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She’s been plowed more times than a parking lot in buffalo
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She’s as cute as a speckled puppy on a little red wagon.
When describing unlikely occurances:
-that would go over like a fart in church
or
-that would go over like a lead balloon.
My grandfather says this: “He’s so stupid he couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the directions were written on the heel.”
Now, when I first heard that (I was maybe 8 or 9) I laughed and thought “yeah, you’d have to be pretty stupid to have to look for directions.” It wasn’t until years later that I realized that if you did look for the directions, it should pour out anyway.
Sometimes I was a bit on the slow side.
“Dumber than a box of rocks.”
“As nervous as a dog shittin’ peach pits.”
“Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.”
“As useful as tits on a bull.”
Honey
“He was so ugly he’d back a buzzard off a meat wagon.”
“She was so bow-legged she couldn’t catch a pig in a ditch.”
“I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger.”
“I’m hornier than a two-peckered tomcat.”
“He couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.”
“She’s as cute as a bug’s ear.”
My cowboy BIL said of a pretentious poser once: “He’s all hat and no ranch.”
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Hotter than a cowboy’s pistol
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Crazy as a road lizard
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So stupid he ain’t worth killin’
Courtesy of Tabitha King:
“Stupid as a fried popsicle.”
Goes along with “Crazy as a soup sandwich.”
“Busy as a one armed taxi driver with crabs.”
“Crazier 'n a shithouse rat.”
Courtesy of Bart Simpson:
You folded faster than Superman on wash day.
-G
Busier than a cat covering up
Faster than shit through a goose.
One of my all time favs is ----I had em all steppin and fetching like their feet were on fire and their asses were catching (Charley Daniel’s, Uneasy Rider)
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Happy as a queer in a dick tree.
My dear old Daddy was a treasure trove of country similes. Some of his:[ul][li]Grinnin’ like a mule eatin’ saw briars.[/li][li]Useless as a one-legged man at an ass-kickin’.[/li][li](While admiring a female bottom…) Boy, that’s just like two pigs in a gunny sack.[/li][li]That gal is so buck-toothed she could eat an apple through a picket fence.[/li][li]Nervous as a pregnant nun.[/li][li]Useless as a screen door on a submarine.[/li][li](When something falls flat:) That went over like a turd in the punchbowl.[/li][li](My Dad was not PC): Queer as a three-dollar bill. (No offense, o gay dopers.)[/li][li]Poor as Job’s turkey. (Huh?)[/li][li]Someone who was doing well was “in tall cotton.”[/li][li]That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball. (Foghorn Leghorn was partial to this one, I think. My Dad, come to think of it, was a very Foghorn Leghornesque character.)[/li][li]Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.[/li][li]Tall as a Georgia pine.[/li][li]Hotter than a two-dollar pistol.[/li][li]Hotter than a two-dollar whore.[/li][li]Skinny as a rail.[/li][/ul]
Typical exchange between my parents:
Daddy: That gal is uglier than homemade mud!
Momma: Frank! She can’t help how she looks!
Daddy: She could stay home!
My favorite simile moment was in a feed store. I was standing in line, and the clerk at the counter was having a little trouble figuring out the change on a purchase. The guy in front of me (no rocket scientist himself) turned and said under his breath, “That boy’s dumb worser’n ary a box 'a rocks.”
Oh, irony!
Some of my North Carolina favorites:
useless as tits on a boar-hog
organized as a soup sandwich
in high cotton (this is like being on easy street)
“Dumber than a hundred chickens.”
“Busier than a redneck in a round room trying to find a corner to pee in…”
“Uglier than a baboon’s ass.”
“Richer than fried cheesecake with Crisco topping.”
“Dryer than Pat Boone’s liquor cabinet.”
Courtesy of Scott Adams’ THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE: “Useless as a truckload of Chihuahuas.”
Courtesy of Terry Pratchett’s GOOD OMENS: “Gayer than a treeload of monkeys on nitrous oxide.”
The one I never could figure out was “You look like Ned in the First Reader.” Anyone have a clue?
A few I’ve heard…
Braggarts: “That boy’s got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird ass.” (Such gents were frequently referred to as “gator birds”.)
Reality Challenged: “Poor girl’s a coupla sandwiches short a picnic.”
Reality Challenged II: “The boy’s cheese done slipped off his cracker.”
Why I couldn’t borrow the family car: “Son, it’d be like giving a razor to a monkey.”
I love Southerners…
I think somebody blew his pilot light out.
That gal’s about a quart low.
Variant on alligator/hummingbird: He let’s his alligator mouth write checks his hummingbird ass can’t cash.
She could snag lightnin’ outta a clear blue sky. (ugly)
She’s got teeth like the devil’s shitrays.
He’s the biggest liar since the devil learned to talk.
That car runs faster than a scalded monkey.
From my father, in reference to our overweight, spoiled, eldery dog:
“He’s ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.”
And for some reason, this made me laugh in a Michael Malone book
“He cries when a fucking flag goes by.”
That is a reference to “Lazy Ned,” a character in the standard grammar school textbook of yore, McGuffey’s Reader.
How was the expression used, in your experience? To refer to someone who was taking it easy?