“He’s crazy as a sprayed roach.”
“She’s crazy as a run-over dog.”
“He’s runnin’ around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.”
“I need that like I need a sharp stick in the eye.”
-OR-
“It beats a sharp stick in the eye.”
(When someone is whining) "You’ve got me cryin’ tears as big as horse turds (or cow paddies).
(When someone is perpetually an asshole) “They’ve got the personality of a bag of chapped assholes.”
(Eating dinner) “Haven’t eaten anything yet I wanted to spit back out.”
(When food is really good) “It’ll make your tongue slap your brains out.” (originally, “if _____ (whatever dish/food) was atop my head, my tongue would slap my brains out trying to get to it.”
(when something is unlikely/calling someone a liar)
-“Yeah, and I’m a gypsy jet pilot.”
-“Anyone would believe that standing on their head.”
“He can’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
“She’s got a face like the business end of an old plow horse.”
“He’s busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.”
“…like white on rice.”
“…cold as a witches tit.” or “…cold as a well-digger’s ass.”
“He’s so full o’ shit his eyes are turning brown.”
“He’s about as worthless as tits on a boar hog.”
(asking someone how they’re doing) “Finer than a frog’s hair”
“He couldn’t find his way out of a torn paper bag.”
“'Bout as full as a tick.”
“Mad as a cat dunked in water.”
“He doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.”
“She looks like she was beat with an ugly stick.”
“Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.”
“About as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.”
“He’s drunker than Cooter Brown”
Instead of saying “Be there soon.” they all say “Be there directly.”
(talking about someone’s aim, either throwing or shooting) “He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.”
(When asking an obvious question…)
-“Does a bear shit in the woods?”
-“Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?”
-“Are pork chops greasy?”
“Don’t go getting your panties in a wad.” (calm down)
“He’s so poor, he ain’t got two nickels to rub together.”
“Up shit creek without a paddle.”
“He’s so slick he could sell ketchup Popsicles to a woman in white gloves.”
“He could sell ice to an eskimo.”
“I’ll be on you like a dog on a meat wagon.”
“That’s enough to make the preacher cuss.”
“He’s got about as much sense as tree bark.”
“He’s got a snoball’s chance in hell of…”