(Describing an attractive woman:) “She’s got a nice swing on her back porch.”
“Reasoning with him is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it pisses off the pig.”
Cranky as a bag of weasels.
My mother used to say a summer day was “hotter than Dutch love.”
Other ones I’ve heard/read include:
“Happy as a possum in a persimmon tree with the dogs a mile away.”
“Folded like a two-dollar suitcase.”
“The only reason that boat didn’t fall apart was the termites were holding hands.”
“He was so ugly, when he fell in the Mississippi, you could skim ugly for a month.”
“He was so ugly, he didn’t die. He just uglied away.”
And, from Futurama, Zap’s comment about Leela: “I’ll be on her like a fly on a pile of very sensual manure.”
Better Pissed off than stood upon and pissed off of.
He’s shitting in tall cotton.
((so dumb)) He’d land on his feet and crack his skull.
I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favorite turd.
She got beat with the ugly stick, but he got hit with the whole tree.
He ain’t got the sense God gave grass, rocks, dirt, etc.
If brains were trains, his is derailed.
When they handed out brains he thought they said pains and hid.
As nervous as a gerbil at Fire Island on the Fourth of July.
Purrin’ like a tomcat in a parlour.
From my husband’s grandmother (rural Indiana) - said about someone who is fidgety:
"Quit being a fart in a skillet"
Handier than a pocket in a vest.
Old timer here says the local small town hardware store stocks everything from a ladies fart to a clap of thunder.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a gorilla.”
“Cuter than a bushel basket of freckled puppies.”
“Uglier than a mud fence.”
“He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“Subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.”
That’s life in the big city…one can crawl into a real hurtbag.
Or my favorite…
I’m busier than a field mouse covering up buffalo shit!
Wetter than a double-dicked bull pissin’ on a flat rock. (Which means it’s a frog strangler. )
(Which means Noah’s gatherin’ up two of each animal.)
(Which means it’s coming down cats and dogs.)
(Which means it’s raining very hard.)
A couple more:
“Want in one hand, and shit in the other. See which fills up the fastest.”
“if I had a dog as ugly as ____, I’d shave it’s ass and make it walk backwards.”
“That boy’s a few tacos short of a combo plate.”
“Crazy as a shithouse weasel.”
“She could suck start a Harley.”
Might not be an old saying:
“Then he grinned, like a fox eating shit from a barbed wire fence.”
From American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
Two more:
“Sharp as a bag of wet hair.”
“That [joke] blew over like a fart in church.”
From Dad:
That could gag a maggot on a gut truck.
He’s lower than a snake in a wagon rut.
I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
He’s tighter than a gnat’s ass.
He couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a roadmap.
mmm
dumb as a box of rocks
sharp as a bowling ball
sharp as jello
all the brains God gave a number 2 pencil
zombie or no
this is Hew Haw Gone Wild.
Bless your pea-pickin’ hearts.
A few from my family:
“I look like the wrath of Zues”
“She has more baggage than AMTRACK”
“She has more issues than the New York Times”
“She has more hang-ups than a telemarketer”
“She has more hang-ups than a clothes closet”
(About someone who is insane) “He’s a quarter bubble off of plumb”
Oh and a few weight comments:
“A few more pounds and he’ll affect the tides”
“He tripped yesterday and rocked himself to sleep trying to get back up”
“He gets taller lying down”
Alternate:
“So hungry I could eat the ass off a skunk.”
.