or as cold as a Warlock’s cock in brass jock? 
She looks like she’s been pulled through a knothole backwards. (when someone looks frazzled)
I’m so happy I gotta sit on my hands to keep from clapping. (when asked “how you doing?”)
If I were any better I’d need a twin. (when asked “how you doing?”)
He couldn’t whip shit off a shirt tail. (said when someone thinks they’re tough)
He’s tighter than the skin on bologna.
He’s tighter than the bark on a tree.
I really like this 
awesome.
I just thought of another one;
He beat him like a bastard child at a family reunion.
I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays.
It’s raining like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock.
I’m as full as a tick.
Has this one been answered?
“I’m so nervous I could thread a running sewing machine” ?
Sorry if it has, but time is short.
Thanks
Quasi
From Saturday Night Live:
“I’m busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral”
And with apologies to my gay friends (I DO consider you my friends, btw)
“I’m happier than a queer with a bagful of dicks”.
I know.
I’m going to hell, but I love you anyway.
Bill
From my mom (about our hair before she’d combed it) though she’s from the West Coast,. “you look like you crawled out of a brush heap backward”.
I don’t remember where I heard these but
- regarding a tough situation “…that’s like trying to nail jello to a tree”.
- madder n’ a wet hen
I suspect these are militarisms more than ruralisms… but given the overlap, maybe not:
On it like black on a bowling ball – or – On it like white on rice
And then we’ve got my father’s vulgarisms, several of which have already been mentioned, but not: Colder than a brass monkey’s balls.
Any futile endeavor: Like trying to sneak dawn past a rooster.
Any self-serving explanation: That’s just what the fox would tell the farmer, if he could.
(Said when running into an old friend) Well, the people you run into when you don’t have a gun!
Dumber than a bag of hammers…
Fucked upper than a soup sandwich
Fucked upper than a football bat
He’s happier than a pig in shit, he’s got more <whatever> than a cow’s got cunt but he’s as thick as two short planks.
You’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.
Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?
That might not be phrased just right, y’all.
Q
So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid.
He or she got hit with the ugly stick.
Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone
Describing something hard: Its like trying to take a flying f**k in a rolling donut.
The good scholars at Texas A&M are required to take both biology and geology so they can always tell their ass from a hole in the ground
They are as poor as churchmice.
Slow as Christmas
Dumb as a doornob
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
He could fuck up a wet dream.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Dumb as a post.
Hey! I knew her! 
In the 70’s I worked with an Irishman. He had left Ireland for the USA when he was 20; he was about 40 when I met him. His politics were extremely conservative.
One fine day, a young hippie type guy came into the store to buy something; he had a huge head of curly hair, full beard and moustache, all of it messy and dirty-looking.
After he left, Jim turned to me and remarked “That guy looks like a bloody goat peering through a hedge.”
.
My mother had two favorites (which I employ at every opportunity)
“Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster”
and
“You want horns, but you’re gonna die butt-headed”
Happy Mothers’ Day, mom - I miss you every day
UT