He’s so cheap, he’d climb over a gate to save wear and tear on the hinges.
Check out this long list. They were all said by Dan Rather on election nights.
Fantastic, thanks.
Among the gems is this:
“…they beat him like a rented mule.”
“Two fries short of a happy meal”
And one I think I read here:
'Bout as organized as two dogs humping a styrofoam cooler.
In a recent book on Bill Clinton, Clinton was quoted as once saying, about Obama, “He’s luckier than a dog with two dicks.”
I hear this one a lot. But… what about brown rice? 
Crazy as a rat on acid.
Variant of one previously mentioned: One taco shy of a combination plate.
As flash as a rat with a gold tooth.
That boy hasn’t got the sense god gave dust
I’m as hot as fish oil
Happy as a fox eating shit out of a hair brush
Crazy as a shit house rat, or crazier then 2 mother fuckers
Molly Ivins once described Arnold Schwarzenegger as having “a head like a condom full of walnuts”.
Gaudier than the door of a whorehouse.
Couldn’t find his way out of a wet paper bag with a bayonet.
Couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight
Nuttier 'n squirrel shit.
You’re as helpful as a chocolate hammer, you know that ?
Happier than a dog with two tails
Hotter than a two-peckered billygoat.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with an itchy back.
As dark as your pocket.
Live’r than a 13 year old zombie oughta be.
That boy- I say- that boy’s about as sharp as a bowlin’ ball.
This gem came from an oil patch roughneck from Loozeeanna:
"She's been passed around more than a $5 hooker on a Saturday night"
My grandmother asked this question about a woman wearing some outstandingly ugly, large, jewelry:
"Where did she find those knick knacks and turkey turds?"
And this gem from a pal of my granddad’s:
"Y'all is as nervous as a n_____ in a bed sheet factory"For a crappy mechanic: "He could break a crowbar in a sandbox and loose one of the pieces. "
“Hotter’n two mice in a wool sock.”
“Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
How about “More lives than a SDMB zombie thread?”
mean as a stripe-ed snake
tighter than Dick’s hatband (cheap)
got his back up (angry—like a cat)
(dinner was) not enough to fill a hollow tooth
get off you high horse (think you’re better than…)
look like you’ve been dragged through a knothole
bow up and whoa (stop—like pulling hard on the reins causing the horse to bow up his back in order to stop quickly)
He can pinch a penny so tight he can make Lincoln holler.
Slicker than deer guts on the front porch.
He’s so horny he’d fuck a woodpile if he thought there was a snake in it
So ugly would drive a dog off a gut wagon, or stop a clock
When there are kids around- it’s as cold as the brass on a bald monkey
Thy are so poor they have to squeeze nickels 'til the buffalo shits
I can stretch dollars 'til George grins
When obesity was less common- casts a lotta shade in the summer, warm in the winter
It’s raining cats and dogs and there are poodles in the street
That field’s too thick to drink and too thin to plow
Gaudier than a Portagee fishing boat
Done up Newfie style (not a compliment from the US)
Newfie comment about summer barbecues - yous is weird, ya cooks outside and shits inside (where this guy was from, outhouses were still common as the frost line was lower than bedrock, and in winter, well, you went to the pit privy)
Uglier that a tipped over shithouse
Built like a brick shithouse
Happier than a pig in shit
You’re digging yourself wider and deeper